All You Need Is Aunt Sandy Claus

Christmas comes but once a year, but it's always "Cocktail Time"!

And of course, who could forget the Green Icing Monster "Heirloom" "Noel" "Cake"? You know: the one where she buys pre-bought cake as an ingredient for her cake!

Now don't that just SCREAM "Christmas"? Seriously, I can hear Christmas screaming right now. Merry First Day of Christmas, y'all!

ANOTHER Crazy Halloween with Aunt Sandy

Last year was, to the best of my knowledge, the date of Sandra Lee's most recent Halloween special.  We all know how she loves to dress up in ridiculous costumes and make her, ahem, food and cocktails for her dozens of adoring fans.  I missed this Halloween special - and this one was a whole hour long, doubling our pleasure and doubling our fun!  I did catch the 3 1/2 minute compressed version one person posted on Youtube (since pulled down), though I've made my own photographic compilations of her previous Halloween specials before (favorite one here).

Well this year I finally got to see it, while waiting for work to re-open after Hurricane Sandy hit (Coincidence?  I think not).  And this special was just as all cray-cray as I had anticipated.

So this is the world through Lee-colored glasses?  Trippy.

"Did somebody misplace my cocktail?  Ah hell, I'll just make another one."

"Here I threw in some raspberries with some 'magical swampwater juice' and a few things in the back of the fridge."

"Really, anything at all will do.  Just add vodka."

Leave her down there, Food Network!  Leave her down there!!!

"Meringues with Sugar Dots icing-glued on.  And on sticks!  What fun!"

Yes people, there is a horse in the background.

There's just something about watching a drag queen on a cooking show.  Hey, why hasn't Logo been called for this?  RuPaul's Drag Race Cook-Off!  UN-TUCKED!

"Because I'm Cher, bitch!"

"No - I'm Cher, bitch!  Now how about that drag cook-off, Ru?"

Is it just me or is naming this cocktail "fire water" not the most racially sensitive idea?

TIME FOR GOOFY VALUE CITY DANCERS!!!

Oh no, THIS cannot be good.

Don't worry, little bird,  Aunt Sandy only uses poultry from the supermarket case.  Non-frozen.  Saves time (though you could just make a cocktail while you're waiting).

Cocktail Time.  Because every cocktail should be 90% milk.

WAAAAAAAAH! (from the audience, not from the grape-stomping barrel)

In case you didn't know, this is maple syrup.  Guess what she used it for.  Go on. 

That's right, kids!  She used it to rim the glass with cinnamon, or was it pumpkin spice?  Oh hell, who knows?  I stopped paying attention after she climbed out of the grape-stomping barrel.  With perfectly clean feet, I might add.

"What, you don't like my maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail?  More for me!"

Just try picking up these pumpkin Jell-O shots from the stem.  Won't work.

"WAAAAAAAAH!" (Yep, Aunt Sandy this time.  That's what you get for that maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail, Sandy.  Or maybe that's in anticipation for Sandra's Restaurant Remakes?)

Um, Ms. Lee, you do know this is a Halloween special, right?  Right?

And guess who's hiding inside this adorable little checkerboard-colored gingerbread house?  That's right: AUNT SANDY CLAUS!

"I love Halloween because it reminds me of Christmas.  Anyone for some wassail? >>HIC<<"

"Now for my Christmastime-at-Halloween segment, I'm making soft, crunchy Rice Krispie pops, dripping with white chocolate!"

O_o

(Where are Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer with their Delicious Dish shtick when you need 'em?  Oh wells, guess I'll just have to fill in for 'em.  Ahem.)

"Mmmm, look at all those gorgeous, sticky balls?  I just can't wait to get my hands on 'em."

"Don't worry, a little poking never really hurts your balls."

"God, I just love dripping, wet balls in my mouth."

(So do I, folks.  So do I.)

"And you know, you don't have to just leave your drippy balls alone.  Play around with them a bit."

"I like my balls with sprinkles.  Lots of people love 'em with sprinkles."

(Okay now THAT is some kinky shit I am just not into.  But to each their own.  Now please let's just get out of here.)

Oh God, is this starting all over AGAIN!?

Once more we descend into the deepest tablescape-y depths of the Sandyverse.  Or maybe this is some sort of meditation thing?

Nope, she's probably just buzzed.

What. The. Hell?

Oh, just another crappy tablescape.

Hasenpfeffer?  **EXASPERATED SIGH** When will you people learn? Sandy doesn't gut her own food!



"I've been considering F-words, you know." (She actually said this)  Would it be too easy to list a few I thought of myself while watching this special?

"No more cocktail? WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Yes, another fun-filled, embarrassing Halloween special from Aunt Sandy.  Now where is my book of hangover cures?  Ah, fuck it.  Let's just watch Cher again.



Get More: Watch Reality TV, Video and Movies, Logo TV

An Aunt Sandy Post to get me back in the blogging mood

As stated in my previous post, I've taken a pause in mourning for my father.  It's humbling how many friends will show such kindness to you upon the death of a loved one.  I am quite thankful (and when the horrible day comes, I look forward to helping them out too).

Now that I am back and posting, I had to start with gratuitous silliness.  Yes, more Sandra Lee.  This was the Halloween episode I missed for much more important highlights, Lee's latest lameness (created by MrSuperProductions).  Scratch that: it's not lame.  Anything this absurd can not be described merely as "lame".  It is fabulous and campy in its horribleness.  And by that standard, Aunt Sandy has really topped herself.  Even the slightly out-of-sync audio just seems to completely work here.  She's slurring her words.  Apparently this show was mostly silly costumes and silly cocktails, and very few "recipes".

Please tell me the bunny rabbit thing at the very end means that she will never be cooking or mixing, ever again.

Aunt Sandy is at it again, people.

Awake the Dormouse, folks, Sandra Lee is having a tea party.

When I find some video I will post it.

Photo from post by Charles Runnette at NewNowNext, via Oh No They Didn't.  Want a compilation of Aunt Sandy crazy?  Us Weekly catches us up.

And Now, A Very Special Semi-Homemade

I have been known to bash Aunt Sandy and post some of her more excruciating stuff on this blog - like shooting fish in a Cocktail-Tini-filled barrel.  And I know I just recently got my Aunt Sandy "not-love" on recently, I even admit: at times I feel bad for doing so.  But the Foodista blog posted something you all have just got to see to believe.  Video posted by YouTube user VideoDisorder.

Somehow seeing this makes her seem less irritating. Maybe she released this on purpose.

Remind me why this fool has her own damn show again. Go on.

Just searching for funny Sandra Lee stuff on the YouTubes and lo, Aunt Sandy reminds us that the two most important ingredients in every "cake covered with cookies" recipe... are cake and cookies.

If a 12 year old did this, I would have to say, "Aww, that's so creative! Good for you!" If a person with her own damn TV show - no, two damn TV shows - on a food channel did this, I would have to shake my head in shame, and wonder why they let her get away with this stuff.

Did one of these people actually just utter the phrase "Sweet baby!" early in the video?

On the third day of Kwanzaa my true love gave to me

Kathy beat me to it, and found a higher quality version - AND we get to see Aunt Sandy EAT her abomination creation, too! Me, I opted for the rougher one that I've linked to, oh, maybe six or seven times in the past four years. This television event should not be hidden. It should be broadcast from the mountaintops. It is quintessential Sandra Lee. Well, that and this:

Once again, the infamous "Angel Food Harvest Cake". Bonus: try to catch a glimpse of the "Hanukkah" "Cake" sitting on the side.

What I am thankful for...

That I have food to eat. And that none of it is being prepared by this woman:

Sabbatical Flashback 5: Sandra Lee Halloween-a-Go-Go

One of my favorite sports on TBS is making fun of Sandra Lee. Girl is nuts. I think I've linked to her now infamous Kwanzaa Cake video at least three times - no wait, four:

And you should see her meatloaf. It'll turn you vegan right quick.

A really special time of year for Aunt Sandy is Halloween. My first post about her strange Halloween specials was crawling with chocolate scarabs with pretzel legs and eyeball meatballs with olive irises. One can only imagine the "tablescape". Though her next Halloween menu was more, shall we say, staid, her show was a royal pain in the Cocktail Time.

This woman should not be on television. Really. At least not cooking anyway.

✿ ✿ ✿ ✿ ✿

Semi-Homemade Halloween Craziness 2008

(originally posted Monday, October 27, 2008)


It's Halloween, and that means Sandra Lee is on the Food Network wearing silly costumes again! Yes lords and ladies, the queenie of the 'tini is in fine fettle, this time dressing up as our favorite queens from Western European history. Actually, I was a little disappointed this year, since she wasn't as silly as the last few years. Anyone remember this?

I also have to admit: her food wasn't that goofy this year, either. No more chocolate blobs shaped like "scarabs" with pretzel "legs" sticking out from all sides. In fact, I dare say it looked edible.

But it was still pretty goofy. Forsooth:

You're wearing that? To cook!?!?

Sandr... er, Anne Boleyn, is making fried apple and ham balls. Hey, didn't the royal family have somebody do that for them? It seems highly improper for a queen to be caught flitting around with the kitchen wenches! She must have lost her head or something.

Beheaded at such a young age - just for pilfering Henry VIII's apple-ham balls. What a pity.

It's Ren-Fest Sandra Lee! Here Our Grace giveth a nod to Vlad Tepes with her steaks on a stick. Medoubts that Guinevere would have ever seeneth a canteloupe 'afore. Especially one with a ramekin jamméd into it.

Oh Annie, Dreamboat Annie! Little shipofdreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeams!

Doesn't advertizing your Christmas album on basic cable usually mean the successful part of your singing career is over? Just sayin'...

Next in her "Beheaded Queens of Europe" collection: teen queen Marie Antoinette. Yes, she made the "Let them eat pumpkin brioche trifle" joke. Hah hah. 'Tis to laugh.

Actually, it doesn't look that good.

Seriously though, when she said she was coming out as one of the most fabulous queens of all, I really was picturing something more along these lines:


Work it, girl.

Nyah nyahnee boo boo, it's my-y killer rose-tini, and you di'in't get none.

Really, steak on a stick impaled in half a canteloupe doesn't look any less ugly when it's nestled amidst the ultimate "Regal Tablescape"

Oh, My. God.

Gee, skulls and crossbones always make me think of Queen Elizabeth I!

This has been another ripping installment of the "Sandra Lee Makes a Fool Out of Herself for Halloween by Dressing Up and Cooking in Silly Costumes" show. Stay tuned for 2009, when she comes out dressed like a banana!

Or like this:

Work it!