Wednesday, October 31, 2012

ANOTHER Crazy Halloween with Aunt Sandy

Last year was, to the best of my knowledge, the date of Sandra Lee's most recent Halloween special.  We all know how she loves to dress up in ridiculous costumes and make her, ahem, food and cocktails for her dozens of adoring fans.  I missed this Halloween special - and this one was a whole hour long, doubling our pleasure and doubling our fun!  I did catch the 3 1/2 minute compressed version one person posted on Youtube (since pulled down), though I've made my own photographic compilations of her previous Halloween specials before (favorite one here).

Well this year I finally got to see it, while waiting for work to re-open after Hurricane Sandy hit (Coincidence?  I think not).  And this special was just as all cray-cray as I had anticipated.

So this is the world through Lee-colored glasses?  Trippy.

"Did somebody misplace my cocktail?  Ah hell, I'll just make another one."

"Here I threw in some raspberries with some 'magical swampwater juice' and a few things in the back of the fridge."

"Really, anything at all will do.  Just add vodka."

Leave her down there, Food Network!  Leave her down there!!!

"Meringues with Sugar Dots icing-glued on.  And on sticks!  What fun!"

Yes people, there is a horse in the background.

There's just something about watching a drag queen on a cooking show.  Hey, why hasn't Logo been called for this?  RuPaul's Drag Race Cook-Off!  UN-TUCKED!

"Because I'm Cher, bitch!"

"No - I'm Cher, bitch!  Now how about that drag cook-off, Ru?"

Is it just me or is naming this cocktail "fire water" not the most racially sensitive idea?


Oh no, THIS cannot be good.

Don't worry, little bird,  Aunt Sandy only uses poultry from the supermarket case.  Non-frozen.  Saves time (though you could just make a cocktail while you're waiting).

Cocktail Time.  Because every cocktail should be 90% milk.

WAAAAAAAAH! (from the audience, not from the grape-stomping barrel)

In case you didn't know, this is maple syrup.  Guess what she used it for.  Go on. 

That's right, kids!  She used it to rim the glass with cinnamon, or was it pumpkin spice?  Oh hell, who knows?  I stopped paying attention after she climbed out of the grape-stomping barrel.  With perfectly clean feet, I might add.

"What, you don't like my maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail?  More for me!"

Just try picking up these pumpkin Jell-O shots from the stem.  Won't work.

"WAAAAAAAAH!" (Yep, Aunt Sandy this time.  That's what you get for that maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail, Sandy.  Or maybe that's in anticipation for Sandra's Restaurant Remakes?)

Um, Ms. Lee, you do know this is a Halloween special, right?  Right?

And guess who's hiding inside this adorable little checkerboard-colored gingerbread house?  That's right: AUNT SANDY CLAUS!

"I love Halloween because it reminds me of Christmas.  Anyone for some wassail? >>HIC<<"

"Now for my Christmastime-at-Halloween segment, I'm making soft, crunchy Rice Krispie pops, dripping with white chocolate!"


(Where are Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer with their Delicious Dish shtick when you need 'em?  Oh wells, guess I'll just have to fill in for 'em.  Ahem.)

"Mmmm, look at all those gorgeous, sticky balls?  I just can't wait to get my hands on 'em."

"Don't worry, a little poking never really hurts your balls."

"God, I just love dripping, wet balls in my mouth."

(So do I, folks.  So do I.)

"And you know, you don't have to just leave your drippy balls alone.  Play around with them a bit."

"I like my balls with sprinkles.  Lots of people love 'em with sprinkles."

(Okay now THAT is some kinky shit I am just not into.  But to each their own.  Now please let's just get out of here.)

Oh God, is this starting all over AGAIN!?

Once more we descend into the deepest tablescape-y depths of the Sandyverse.  Or maybe this is some sort of meditation thing?

Nope, she's probably just buzzed.

What. The. Hell?

Oh, just another crappy tablescape.

Hasenpfeffer?  **EXASPERATED SIGH** When will you people learn? Sandy doesn't gut her own food!

"I've been considering F-words, you know." (She actually said this)  Would it be too easy to list a few I thought of myself while watching this special?

"No more cocktail? WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Yes, another fun-filled, embarrassing Halloween special from Aunt Sandy.  Now where is my book of hangover cures?  Ah, fuck it.  Let's just watch Cher again.

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