ANOTHER Crazy Halloween with Aunt Sandy

Last year was, to the best of my knowledge, the date of Sandra Lee's most recent Halloween special.  We all know how she loves to dress up in ridiculous costumes and make her, ahem, food and cocktails for her dozens of adoring fans.  I missed this Halloween special - and this one was a whole hour long, doubling our pleasure and doubling our fun!  I did catch the 3 1/2 minute compressed version one person posted on Youtube (since pulled down), though I've made my own photographic compilations of her previous Halloween specials before (favorite one here).

Well this year I finally got to see it, while waiting for work to re-open after Hurricane Sandy hit (Coincidence?  I think not).  And this special was just as all cray-cray as I had anticipated.

So this is the world through Lee-colored glasses?  Trippy.

"Did somebody misplace my cocktail?  Ah hell, I'll just make another one."

"Here I threw in some raspberries with some 'magical swampwater juice' and a few things in the back of the fridge."

"Really, anything at all will do.  Just add vodka."

Leave her down there, Food Network!  Leave her down there!!!

"Meringues with Sugar Dots icing-glued on.  And on sticks!  What fun!"

Yes people, there is a horse in the background.

There's just something about watching a drag queen on a cooking show.  Hey, why hasn't Logo been called for this?  RuPaul's Drag Race Cook-Off!  UN-TUCKED!

"Because I'm Cher, bitch!"

"No - I'm Cher, bitch!  Now how about that drag cook-off, Ru?"

Is it just me or is naming this cocktail "fire water" not the most racially sensitive idea?

TIME FOR GOOFY VALUE CITY DANCERS!!!

Oh no, THIS cannot be good.

Don't worry, little bird,  Aunt Sandy only uses poultry from the supermarket case.  Non-frozen.  Saves time (though you could just make a cocktail while you're waiting).

Cocktail Time.  Because every cocktail should be 90% milk.

WAAAAAAAAH! (from the audience, not from the grape-stomping barrel)

In case you didn't know, this is maple syrup.  Guess what she used it for.  Go on. 

That's right, kids!  She used it to rim the glass with cinnamon, or was it pumpkin spice?  Oh hell, who knows?  I stopped paying attention after she climbed out of the grape-stomping barrel.  With perfectly clean feet, I might add.

"What, you don't like my maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail?  More for me!"

Just try picking up these pumpkin Jell-O shots from the stem.  Won't work.

"WAAAAAAAAH!" (Yep, Aunt Sandy this time.  That's what you get for that maple-pumpkin-spiced cocktail, Sandy.  Or maybe that's in anticipation for Sandra's Restaurant Remakes?)

Um, Ms. Lee, you do know this is a Halloween special, right?  Right?

And guess who's hiding inside this adorable little checkerboard-colored gingerbread house?  That's right: AUNT SANDY CLAUS!

"I love Halloween because it reminds me of Christmas.  Anyone for some wassail? >>HIC<<"

"Now for my Christmastime-at-Halloween segment, I'm making soft, crunchy Rice Krispie pops, dripping with white chocolate!"

O_o

(Where are Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer with their Delicious Dish shtick when you need 'em?  Oh wells, guess I'll just have to fill in for 'em.  Ahem.)

"Mmmm, look at all those gorgeous, sticky balls?  I just can't wait to get my hands on 'em."

"Don't worry, a little poking never really hurts your balls."

"God, I just love dripping, wet balls in my mouth."

(So do I, folks.  So do I.)

"And you know, you don't have to just leave your drippy balls alone.  Play around with them a bit."

"I like my balls with sprinkles.  Lots of people love 'em with sprinkles."

(Okay now THAT is some kinky shit I am just not into.  But to each their own.  Now please let's just get out of here.)

Oh God, is this starting all over AGAIN!?

Once more we descend into the deepest tablescape-y depths of the Sandyverse.  Or maybe this is some sort of meditation thing?

Nope, she's probably just buzzed.

What. The. Hell?

Oh, just another crappy tablescape.

Hasenpfeffer?  **EXASPERATED SIGH** When will you people learn? Sandy doesn't gut her own food!



"I've been considering F-words, you know." (She actually said this)  Would it be too easy to list a few I thought of myself while watching this special?

"No more cocktail? WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Yes, another fun-filled, embarrassing Halloween special from Aunt Sandy.  Now where is my book of hangover cures?  Ah, fuck it.  Let's just watch Cher again.



Get More: Watch Reality TV, Video and Movies, Logo TV

Snacking State-by-State: Puerto Rico IV - If you like piña coladas, but don't like sitting through annoying easy listening songs.

Ah, the piña colada, that simple and sweet concoction of coconut cream, pineapple juice and (hopefully) Puerto Rican rum.  Many a piña colada has ended its life by a poolside bar or lounge chair.  Once I even had to get a dry one during a visit to Acapulco in 2000 - coinciding with the presidential election that year (it is illegal to sell alcohol in Mexico during election weekend. This is different than the US, where our elections might actually motivate us to drink more.)  And of course, the piña colada is not an Anglo creation, not a Mexican innovation, and not a Cuban concoction.  Esta es boricua, pa'que nosotros lo sepamos.

Official Name: Commonwealth of Puerto Rico (Spanish: Estado Libre Asociado de Puerto Rico)
Is it a state? Nope, it's a territory - the largest one in the United States
Official Languages: Spanish and English, with Spanish as the more widely spoken language
Territorial Nicknames: La Isla del Encanto (The Island of Enchantment); Borinquen (from the original Taíno name for the island, Borikén)
Cession to the US: December 10, 1898 (after winning autonomy from Spain on November 25, 1897)
Capital: San Juan (largest)
Other Important Cities: Bayamón (2nd largest), Carolina (3rd largest), Ponce (4th largest)
Region: Caribbean; South Atlantic (US Census)
Bordered by: the Caribbean Sea (all sides)
Closest land mass: Dominican Republic, a little more than 50 miles to the west
Official Territorial Foods and Edible Things: none
Some Famous and Typical Foods: Puerto Rican food (duh) - a mixture of Taíno, West African and Spanish influences, including: sofrito, tostones, arroz con habichuleas (con gandules around Christmas), mofongo, tembleque; ají dulce (sweet peppers indigenous to Puerto Rico); piña colada

As many a source says, the specific origin story of the piña colada is not certain, and there are a few narratives.  Nicholas Gill [2009] writing for the New World Review lists at least four different origin myths for the piña colada, including one that says the drink originated in the 19th century, another more popular one that gives the credit to Spanish ex-patriate Ricardo García who created it at the glamorous Caribe Hilton in San Juan in 1954, and yet another one that sets the creation of the drink in Buenos Aires (!) in 1963.  As Gill suggests, the most credible theory gives the cred to another employee of the Caribe Hilton, Ramon “Monchito” Marrero at the hotel's Beachcomber Bar, also in 1954.  At any rate, the legendary piña colada was almost certainly born in San Juan, and is an widely known drink throughout Puerto Rico, the United States and the world, even wending its way into the first #1 song of the 1980's, a song by Rupert Holmes that many a radio listener has tried to "Escape" before suffering it for too long.

The Recipe: Piña colada

The piña colada is not too difficult to make.  The International Bartender Association suggests one part white rum to one part cream of coconut to three parts of pineapple juice (3.0 cl to 3.0 cl to 9.0 cl respectively).  Most recipes, including the one I followed on the Goya website, say you need just the following:

* pineapple juice (this is a bit more expensive than I had expected, at about $2 a can)
* coconut cream (not coconut milk but cream, again not too cheap at about $3 a can)
* rum, preferably white rum, most preferably Puerto Rican rum (this smallish bottle of Bacardi Puerto Rican rum set me back about $7 at the Wine Source.  I didn't want a larger one because I don't drink many cocktails or liquors)
* ice (you will crush this)

You should typically have pineapple slices and maraschino cherries for garnish (one each per glass), but I'm not mass producing these things here.  I will go without all that "faincy" stuff.

Into a blender, throw in your ice.

Next, add the pineapple juice...

... the cream of coconut...

...and the rum.

Blend until smooth and serve.

Now this is a pleasant summer drink, and as warm as this past winter was, you just know we're going to need a few of these in what promises to be a subtropical sort of summer (90 degrees at the end of May?  In Baltimore!?  Well, a piña colada will help me cool down...

- - - - -

And we're done with the Isle of Enchantment.  We fly back from Puerto Rico (or a few hours up 95 if you're kickin' it Nuyorican style) to the teensiest state in the Union, where you will miss all the good Italian, Portuguese and hearty Yankee cooking if you blink en route between Connecticut and Massachusetts.  You've guessed it: next we're exploring Rhode Island.

Sources:

Deane, Zain.  "Mofongo".  Go Puerto Rico (GoPuertoRico.About.com), date unknown.  Copyright 2012, About.com, All rights reserved.

El Boricua (ElBoricua.com).  "Mofongo".  Date unknown.  Coyright 2012, El Boricua, All rights reserved.

Gill, Nicholas.  "The History of the Piña Colada".  New World Review, 2009.  Copyright 2009, New World Review, All rights reserved.

Goya.  "Piña Colada: How to Make Piña Colada".  Date unknown.  Copyright 2012 Goya Foods, Inc., All rights reserved.

Goya.  "Tembleque - Coconut Pudding: Quick, Coconut Gelatin".  Date unknown.  Copyright 2012 Goya Foods, Inc., All rights reserved.

International Bartender Association. "Piña Colada".  Last accessed 2010 (archived by the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, Archive.org)

Rivera, Oswald.  Puerto Rican Cuisine in America: Nuyorican and Bodega Recipes.  Second edition.  Four Walls Eight Windows: New York, 2002.

Some information also obtained from Wikipedia's "Puerto Rico" and "Puerto Rican cuisine" pages and other pages.

Snacking State-by-State: Nevada III - Luck Be a Lush Tonight!

As I meant to say before, when Americans think of Nevada they think of Las Vegas.  And oh, so much comes to mind when we think of Vegas: casinos, gambling, singers - and whatever you would call Céline Dion, buffets galore (the one time I went I spent some quality time with the buffet at the Aladdin), CSI, the Strip... excess beyond excess!!!  (yes, even one of my favorite forensic dramas.  Any forensic scientist will tell you the equipment they have there just doesn't exist yet.  Again: excess).  It should surprise no one that many Vegas casinos regularly gave free drinks to patrons of their casinos. It should surprise few that mixologists have found a prominent place here.  It should surprise everyone that, despite the many cocktails that have been created in Sin City, none of America's most famous ones come from here.

Official Name: State of Nevada
State Nicknames: The Silver State; The Sagebrush State
Admission to the US:  October 31, 1864 (#36)
Capital: Carson City (2nd largest)
Other Important Cities: Las Vegas (largest), Henderson (2nd largest), Reno (4th largst), Sparks (5th lagest)
Region: West, Rocky Mountains, Great Basin, Southwest; Mountain (US Census)
RAFT Nations: Pinyon Nut; Chile Pepper
Bordered by: Oregon & Idaho (north), Utah (east), Arizona (southeast), California (south and west)
Official State Foods and Edible Things: desert bighorn sheep (mammal - though generally not hunted); single-leaf pinyon (tree - for the pine nuts); Lahontan cutthroat trout (fish - whose low numbers are currently being replenished)
Some Famous and Typical Foods: Native American and frontier foods, specificalyl Native foods typical of Great Basin peoples (including pine nuts); Basque cuisine; buffets and Vegas-style excess (in Las Vegas)


Many American cities boast signature cocktails.  New Orleans has its Sazerac.  New York has a few, it's so durned big (the Manhattan, the Long Island Iced Tea, etc).  And while the Mint Julep isn't indigenous to Louisville, the Kentucky Derby is its most famous venue.  Hell, even Baltimore has its Black Eyed Susan around Preakness time (not the most famous drink, but I had to recognize).  So I figured that Las Vegas has contributed at least one famous cocktail to the American culinary landscape. While investigating the many cocktails of Las Vegas, I found many that I had never heard of, some of which having been designated among the top American drinks of their year.  One notable one is the Cable Car, cousin to the Sidecar.  Notably served throughout Las Vegas, it was created by Tony Abou-Ganim at the Starlight Room... in San Francisco.  He did bring it with him to Vegas, but it isn't an indigenous cocktail.

One very popular (but again, non-indigenous) cocktail in Las Vegas is the Mexican Mojito - according to the I4Vegas website, it is perhaps the most popular one in Vegas.  I wouldn't know, but apparently it is a common one, a twist on the classic mojito replacing rum with, of course, tequila.


The Recipe: Mexican Mojito

While there are slight variations, the version of the Mexican mojito I used comes from Deborah Schneider at Leite's Culinaria.  For one of hers you will need:

* 100% agave blanco tequila (Since I don't drink many cocktails, and never drink straight liquor, I have fairly little around my kitchen - especially tequila, which will hit you when you least expect it like a ton o' bricks: Morelia, 2000, and an all-you-can-eat taco bar - trust me, I know.  I could have bought a large bottle for $40 or $50 that would have lasted me, probably, my entire life.  Instead, I bought a one-shot bottle of Patrón for the eye-popping price of $7.  This had better be a damn good cocktail.)
* fresh mint sprigs (hmmm, sounds like that mint julep so far. None fresh from my garden this time.  I had to buy some for $2)
* lime wedges (about half a dollar for one lime at Giant)
* sugar
* ice cubes
* carbonated water (a bottle isn't that pricey, under a dollar)
* lemon-lime soda (you may have some lying around)
* more mint and lime for garnish

First, muddle the mint, lime and sugar together.  I could'e used a spoon. Instead I used my pestle.  Be careful if you go that route.

Add a few ounces of ice to the glass.

And then add your tequila.  Next you shake it.  Schneider suggests using a shaker, which I didn't have on hand.

Don't laugh.

A few stray splashes over the sink later, the tequila, ice, lime, sugar and mint are all mixed up.

To this you will add some carbonated water...

...and some lemon-lime soda: Sprite, 7-Up, Sun Drop, hell why not go crazy and use ginger ale instead? Of course, that will make a different cocktail.

I'm glad the lady at The Wine Source recommended the small bottle of Patrón, because it was a good white tequila to use for this drink.  It's got the nice kick of tequila inside a mojito.  What else can I say?  It's a lovely drink.  But once again, I was reminded just how hard tequila can hit a person.  Even with this meager amount, I wasn't stumbling but I was feeling it for more than a few minutes at least.

- - - - -


We'll be spending some quality time mostly on the East Coast for a while, and our next stop is one of those early primary states.  Bust out the maple syrup and pie dough: it's Granite Time in New Hampshire.

Sources:


Detterick-Piñeda, Cynthia.  "Piñon Cakes - Pine Nut Cakes How To Make Pine Nut Cakes".  WhatsCookingAmerica.Net, date unknown.  Copyright WhatsCookingAmerica.Net 2011.


Elllingsworth, Christy.  "Basque potatoes".  The Daily Dish, posted January 4, 2011.


I4Vegas.Com.  "Popular Las Vegas Drinks". Date unknown.  Copyright I4Vegas.Com 1999-2011. 


The Modern Mixologist (TheModernMixologist.com).  "Cable Car: Tony's Signature Cocktail".  Date unknown.  Copyright The Modern Mixologist, 2007.


PineNut.Com.  "History of Pine Nuts & The People of the Great Basin". PineNut.Com, date unknown. Copyright PineNut.Com 1998-2011.

Schneider, Deborah.  "Mexican Mojito".  Leite's Culinaria (LeitesCulinaria.Com), posted May 5, 2010.

Zubir, Nancy.  A travel guide to Basque America: families, feasts, and festivals.  University of Nevada Press: Reno, NV, 2006.  Also partially available on Google Books.

Some information also obtained from Wikipedia's "Nevada" page and other pages, and the Food Timeline State Foods link to "Nevada".