Cooking with Clara

The Depression-Era craze that's sweeping a recession-strapped nation of YouTubers. First up, nonegenarian Clara whips up pasta with peas, Depression style.

Natural Market (or, Who needs fish on Friday?)

I'm the first to admit: I'm a "lapsed Catholic." But for reasons bigger than I, I'm going meatless on Fridays during Lent. I tried on Ash Wednesday, too. Well, except for those delicious pieces of bacon I had for breakfast.

I've been forcing myself to eat no meat, only seafood, on Fridays. But it dawned on me that it would probably be a healthy alternative to also make some of those meatless Fridays into vegetarian Fridays.

So today, after a job interview that was more encouraging than I thought it would be, I went to the Natural Market in Timonium. There was some sort of tofu scramble that I thought was cauliflower. More interesting to me was the soy protein Sloppy Joe. For just $3 for a small container - enough to sustain me through three meals, with sides of course - I got the Sloppy Joe, which the guy behind the counter said was pretty popular. I admit: it tasted a lot better than I thought "vegan Sloppy Joe" would be. It tastes pretty good warm, wrapped in a corn tortilla with a slice of red onion. But caution: it's strong.

Top Chef 5 Live Blogging: The Finale, Part II

Yes, culinary sports fans, we have reached the end of the long, tiring journey that is Top Chef 5. Someone pointed out towards the first episode back in October or November (I'm not keeping track anymore) that only once has the person who won the first challenge not gone on to win for the season (that was Tre from Season 3; Hung was the eventual winner, but even he was a runner-up for that first episode). Could Carla be the first true come-from-behind chef to kick some serious Euro-Douche ass? Most people who took my unscientific poll seem to think so: Carla is favored over Stefan, 80% to 20%.

Nobody voted for Hosea.

Personally, I think it'll be Hosea in 2nd, Stefan runner-up - only because he's becoming super-sloppy in his arrogance - and Carla as the winner. So the one with the hair wins. Besides, we've never had a bald winner before!

10:01 Apparently, Stefan doesn't even think of Carla as a competitor. It's all him vs Hosea in his mind.

10:03 Man, it's like a sea of Picards.

10:04 So the final challenge: cook a three-course meal of whatever the hell you want, dessert optional, at Commander's Palace, one of THE most famous restaurants in N'awlins.

WTF - Casey, Richie and Marcel from the past three season!? THESE guys are the sous-chefs!

10:05 And the teams are Hosea and Rich from S4, Stefan and Marcel from S2, and Carla and Casey from S3. Fun fun fun!

10:06 Yup, Stefan is a prick.

10:07 Um, Rich? Hosea isn't going to win. [UPDATE, 11:11 - Yes, I am going to eat my hat.]

At least tonight's episode isn't 75 minutes long.

10:13 DOUBLE DRINK for the break-between-commercials. I should've had a DRINK for every time Carla's eyes bug out, but I'd be drunk before the Judges' Table.

Just for the sake of completeness, the Top Chef 5 Drinking Game Rules, one final time:

Drink once if:

* anyone makes a face while eating something
* Tom makes a face in the kitchen, for any reason (hat tip: Dan at THG)
* any shameless plugs are made (drink more and you'll be drunk before the quickfire is over)
* Stefan is arrogant in his Stefanish way
* any good looking male contestant is shirtless or female contestant is scantilly clad at anytime (you do realize this is happening often now)
* Fabio mentions something about being Italian (including everyone else not being Italian)
* New judge Toby says something "pithy and bitchy" about how bad one of the dishes happens to be.

Drink twice if:

* anyone cries for any reason, especially after packing his or her knives and going
* Hosea and Leah's "no-mance" is shoved down our throats.

Drink thrice if:

* any mention is made of Team Rainbow. Now that its sole member, Jamie, is left, mentions will be few and far between.

Take two shots/swigs if:

* your guess for who is going home is wrong!

Drain the glass:

* if any competitor bitches about how "wrong" or "stupid" the judges are.
* when Top Chef 5 comes back as a "break between commercials. It's one of those things that happens every episode, so be prepared to drink up.
* if we can hear actual sloppy wet kissing when Hosea and Leah are being "not romantically involved."

10:17 Aah, look at all that beautiful food. Those Gulf Coast blues aren't as good as our Chesapeake Bay ones, but they're good enough. Better than Dungeness, which is also a good crab.

10:18 Can we go to the flow chart for that King Cake thing?

So for this fourth course, Hosea, who is "King for a Day," gets to assign the seafood to everybody. Hosea chooses redfish for himself (natch), while he gives the blue crabs to Carla (being from DC, she'd better know how to cook a blue crab) and the alligator to Stefan (heheheheheh). I've had alligator once or twice. Not easy to find here.

10:20 So Carla goes Asian with the crabs. I would've done some sort of Maryland/Louisiana style crab cake.

Hosea probably won't win, but his food still looks good. I hate to agree with Stefan, but yes, a three-course meal does indeed need a dessert. Carla does a traditional French-style three-course meal.

10:22 Oh, the sous-chefs are in black!

10:23 So Marcel isn't impressed with some of Stefan's techniques.

10:30 Sorry, bathroom break. Did Fabio say something Italian?

They like - I mean like - Carla's crab thing. Very intense crab flavor. I missed the guys' hors d'oeuvres.

10:31 And now a whole mess o' guest judges. Fabio is among them, as are Gail and Toby.

10:31 And now, the first courses...

Mmmm, tempura crunchy bits!

Words I'm hearing:

Carla: "special" "I would order [it] again."

Hosea: "didn't pop in the mouth" "a little salt would've gone a long way"

Stefan: "almost watery" "I liked Stefan's dish"

Take home (from Toby): the men's dishes are perfectly executed, but a bit bland. Carla's is special.

10:34 The second course is out...

Words I'm hearing:

Carla: "tough" "the lady can make a sauce" "the last thing I expected her to produce" "not a hundred grand dish"

Stefan: "squab was cooked so beautifully" "a good sense of Stefan"

Hosea: "well done" "I'm tired of eating foie gras" (that one from Rocco diSpirito)

Take home: the mirror opposite of the first course.

10:36 So now Stefan is criticizing others for going the easy route? Pot, meet kettle...

Oooooh, and now I think Carla's just gone from front-runner to runner-up. She forgot to take the little cheese souffles out of the oven!

And it's dessert vs cheese and fruit vs deer!

What I'm hearing:

Carla: "I'm sort of relieved to know why this plate looks how it looks"

Stefan: "And now we're finishing with chocolate" "best dish of the series" "eh" "dated in presentation"

Hosea: "Venison was perfectly cooked" "I really enjoyed the venison" "That ees a-the last theeng you want to give it to us"

Fabio thinks the best meal was brought out by Hosea. Long haired cheffy guy counters, saying deer was a safe way out for Hosea.

10:40 Carla is not feeling confident. Honestly, I thought we'd see more foams from Stefan's team. Just sayin'.

10:41 WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIGN!

10:43 Dan, dude, I didn't know you were live blogging this! Goes to show that I haven't been keeping up with anyone's blogs lately :( Check it out at Hungover Gourmet.com

10:44 And now for Judges' Table:

Carla: first course was good... meat & potatoes = rather polite and stuffy dish... Casey made a lot of suggestions... What about the cheese course? Oh darn, I was distracted!

Hosea: Oh, THAT'S where the foam was!... I love raw fish... Blackberry added nothing to the venison dish... Toby: mate, choose the bloody dessert!...

Stefan: well executed alligator appetizer... first course was watered down... AND bland... squab was wonderful... parsnip was sweet and tart... Stefan, why finish with a dessert? (Geez, can't these people make up their MINDS!?)

10:48 So they think they should all win because their food is delicious. Tears = DRINK!!!

10:50 Yup, Carla is now out of the running, as I feared. Bummer...

Hosea's food was quite thoughtful, but they seem really impressed with Stefan's experience. His menu was best structured anyway. Despite the pedestrian dessert and bland first course.

Hosea's food was a nice progression. Toby said Hosea's venison was the best, AND Gail would've been really satisfied with this meal.

Damn, I predicted Carla-Stefan-Hosea. Now I'm thinking it's Hosea-Stefan-Carla. I'm checking out what Dan thinks...

10:54 Hmmm, maybe I should see this octuple-Oscar winning Slumdog Millionaire...

10:56 NOOOOOO! Not another supermodel series!

10:58 Whoa, it WAS Hosea! Dude - YOU'RE in shock! What about us? What about Stefan?

10:59 And DRINK for Carla crying.

POST-GAME ANALYSIS -

It was disappointing to see Carla mess up, but after that cheese thing, it was pretty much a given. Buggy Eye Woman was going to go. Well, I'll have to look up her restaurant in DC, if she has one.

And a final Finnish farewell to Jamie's favorite Euro Douche. Stefan did surprise me in that he lost, and he didn't. He did because he was so good in the first half of the season or so. He didn't because his own cockiness and arrogance made him lazy. So really, it isn't that much of a surprise that he lost.

But this was a surprise.

Hosea takes it. I would have bet money that he was not going to win. Apparently, so did the people who voted in my poll. But he was the sleeper. He snuck up on everybody and just took it all! Now does this vindicate S4 runner-up Richard Blais? Meh. Anyway, congrats to Hosea. I will now eat my hat.

Live-blogging this latest season was tiring but enjoyable. Thank God that The Next Food Network Star 5 doesn't start until this summer...

Brunch at Rocket to Venus?

Eric's partner was out of town last weekend, so I suggested brunch on Sunday morning. Gertrude's had no openings until 2:30, so we went to Rocket to Venus, which had ready seating. Usually when I join Eric and Alan, I have a better experience than Eric does. Not so this time. Eric was pretty much happy with his food (less his service), while I had a more, erm, mixed bag.

A brief rundown:

• The plate of four fried oysters ($8) were wonderful. I've made better, sure, but these were still very tasty. Mmmm. Nothin' like locally grown oysters. Even better that Eric shared the two additional oysters that came with his order with me, so we each had three oysters.
  
• My "green eggs and ham" (I think $7) was the main course. This was egg with pesto and ham and capicola. Tasty, but a little weak in that it was slightly soupy. It was okay, but I'd probably avoid it next time and just go for the sliders.
• Eric was much, much happier with his (more appetizing looking) Hangtown Fry ($11), a mixture of bacon, eggs, cheddar, asiago, hash browns and tomatoes. Oh yes, and it came with two complementary urshters.
  
• The Boursin cheese grits ($4) they served me were hard and clumpy, and I hardly touched them. Plus they had a very blah flavor, making for an unforgettably annoying side dish. It should be a crime to do that to grits. Don't eat this.

Eric's only problem was the wait for our check, which was kind of long in coming, but came just in time to not affect the waitress' tip. As for me: it was good in some spots. But this is the first unsatisfying meal I've had at Rocket to Venus. I know what to avoid next time.

Notes from the Wine Source

• I've been noticing over the months that a few select beer companies are putting out a line of sodas. Saranac, from out of upstate New York, is selling a ginger beer. In fact, they say they've been selling soft drinks (root beer, ginger beer, cream soda) since 1888, putting about two years younger than Coke, and five shy of the oldest soft drink in America, Dr. Pepper. And Abita out of New Orleans is making a root beer. I just bought the Abita root beer; I'll drink it tomorrow.
• Southern Tier Brewing Company sells a fairly large $10 bottle of its Choklit Stout. This should go quite well with the mild Amish bleu cheese I bought.
• I saw a bright white wine for $8 (all I remember was the word "YOUNG" on the gleaming yellow label), and then the Brewer's Art's latest concoction, their Green Peppercorn Tripel for $9. I would've bought both had I the money.
  
• And then I saw Bud may technically no longer be an American beer, but it still prides itself on being "America's lager." Which, I guess, is why there's a picture of three superstars from the (extremely English) Manchester United FC right behind it? Ah yes, Bud: Wayne Rooney's cheap American beer of choice.
  
• Oh yeah, I need to get some Bailey's soon, don't I?
  

Top Chef 5 Live Blogging: It's Almost Over!

Tonight is the (damnit) 75-minute long first part of the finale of Top Chef 5. It's down to the Italian, the Euro-douche, the guy whose girlfriend is probably going to leave him after watching him make kissy face with that contestant that just left last week, and the life-size Google Eye Doll.

Sorry, y'all. I'm punchy tonight.

Again, nothing too involved tonight. Just the occasional observation, maybe a haiku here, a limerick there. Just plain old Pepsi One for the drinking game. As for that obnoxious bright blue flame around the TV screen: please dear God, do not let that be the future of TV, or I'm just slipping in a DVD and forgetting about Top Chef for the evening.

10:03 Ah, New York is behind us, New Orleans is front and center. Hey, wasn't that big red building in a Varla Jean Merman video?

Mhmmm, I see that Emeril Lagasse has been let go of his Food Network contract after all.

10:05 So the quickfire is you just sit there and eat Southern food?

Oh wait - It's surfer boy, lover girl and the last third of Team Rainbow (don't have to DRINK there). Let me guess: one of these people is rejoining the troupe, yes?

10:07 Hosea: a little awkward, a little weird that Leah is back... especially after we both had to get that ointment and all. Dude, I still don't know who gave it to whom!

Live crawfish are the basis of Jamie, Jeff and Leah's baptism by quickfire. Leah admits she knows nothing about the creatures. Which means it's either Jamie or Jeff!

10:10 Oh, it would've been so funny had they made a face at Leah's soup. And look at Jeff and his crawfish and grits! Now show me a blue crab and grits dish and I will be a happy boy. I kind of like Jamie's crawfish dish though. But the look on Padma's face wasn't encouraging.

I think it's Jeff who's coming back.

10:12 And we'll find out after these commercial messages for Make Me an Undernourished Pretty Face Series 2!

10:14 Still have my mind on blue crab and grits. Note to self: make that a project in the near future.

10:16 I thought so. I was still pulling for Jamie though. Now: the only way Jeff makes it to next week is if he wins the challenge today.

Shameless Emeril cookbook plug. DRINK!

Hey, in 2002 I ate at Emeril's NOLA restaurant in New Orleans for lunch. It was $40, the most I had ever paid for lunch or would ever pay for lunch. In any country.

And that's one of his cheap restaurants.

10:19 Gratuitous Italy reference - DRINK!

10:20 Whoa - Deep Impact deja-vu!

The Mardi Gras museum? Don't know. But the elim challenge: create two dishes and one cocktail for a big Mardi Gras party. At least one must be in the Creole - not the Cajun - style.

10:22 Shameless car plug - DRINK!

Funniest quote of the night goes to Fabio: "My car... is a piece of... poop."

10:31 Aw shucks, she has to shuck her oysters. Fun.

10:33 Again: Stefan is being Stefanish Euro-douche. Oh dear Lord pleeeeeeease let him go home!!!

10:37 Carla's going to have to "MacGyver" it? So all she needs is a paper clip, some Silly Putty and an ounce of urine?

A third of her urshturs are shucked, hon. My brother-in-law's family is good at shucking those things. You should see them suck down the raw ones on New Year's. Hoo-wee!

10:38 Awwww, Gail's back. I have to admit I love the dresses. I think Tom should've chosen one, too.

10:41 Dude, it's Stephanie with 80's teen idol Corey Haim! He's looking much better than I remembered from those clips of his reality show on The Soup.

10:44 You just know some queen is there in her gown. Again, Varla, I'm lookin' at you, girl!

Did I miss something because I don't remember the chefs discussing those cocktails in the kitchen. And fried oysters aren't that difficult. I had some for brunch with Eric on Sunday at Rocket to Venus. Goooooood oysters, though what they did to their dried out clump o' cheese grits is absolutely shameful. More on that in a few days.

10:47 Mmmm. Maque choux. Yummy.

10:48 Carla loves love. All is love for Carla love love. Beignet love love. Urshtur stew love love bacon scallion yum.

Emeril like-ee Carla's food.

Hey, how many people did gumbo exactly?

What - too spicy!? Ah who cares? Emeril is happy with Hosea's, too.

10:52 Okay, now I know that Stefan is only trash-talkin', since only he seems to think that Hosea's food is nasty.

10:55 So... what did the judges think?

Jeff has to win in order to move to the finale. He had the best cocktail. As for his dishes? Lovely. Emeril especially loved his oyster dish.

Hey, I just noticed that Toby Young is missing. I guess he's being bitchy somewhere else.

Fabio: Not as good as Jeff, apparently. His dish was a bit too sweet, which is what Fabio likes.

Stefan: Never has Emeril seen a gumbo over grits. The flavor of the gumbo wasn't as deep as it could've been. The cold beignet worked with the cocktail.

And now Tom dings him on his cockiness. Hmmm...

Carla: They seemed to love them, so Tom asks a question that makes her think they didn't. Emeril thought hers were perfect. Stefan is being "not amused" by all this gushing over Carla.

Hosea: Gail thought the flavor was "developed" - again, Stefan is "not amused." What about his overcomplicated fish dish? It didn't seem that way in the mouth. Well, good for Hosea.

I think Jeff and Fabio are leaving tonight.

11:01 Jeff's oyster was perfect, as was his crawfish and grits dish. But there were other, better dishes, and he has to be on top or go home. He's going home.

Carla's came together very well, including her beignet.

Hosea is also a strong competitor. It's a good thing he practiced before he came to Nawlins!

Stefan and Fabio were on the bottom. Stefan's gumbo wasn't bad, and his beignet was inspired. That said, the cocktail was too sweet. Stefan's was not soulful, and his attitude is cocky. He just doesn't care. Fabio's maque choux would've been better over a crouton, and his pasta dish wasn't "put together" the right way. But the guy is ambitious - and "Italian."

Ooooh, did Tom just say that Stefan and Fabio could go home? Meh, I still think it's Jeff and Fabio.

11:09 "Chris" doesn't look androgynous or feminine to me. He looks skeletal.

I think the winner may, in fact, be Carla. Am I right?

YUP! There go her eyes, one more time. Aw, poor Jeff. Oh, and DRINK!

AND THERE WERE HER EYES!

Hey, he's not bad looking after all. And I don't usually go for the pretty boys.

11:11 Of course, Hosea is safe. And so, it's Fabio or Stefan. I think it's Fabio who leaves, but...

11:12 And it's Fabio, as I thought. The cocky one sticks around for one more episode.

POST-PARADE ANALYSIS -

And so ends "Team Europe" (oh, and this is the first time I have heard the phrase "Team Europe"). Fabio is pretty certain that Stefan will win, no question. Not the way he's been cooking lately! But enough about Stefan. Arrivederci, Fabio. And just to get all those Italy references out of my system that will now go unheard: Italian Italia Italy Italy I am Italian. **SIGH** That was building up for a while. Nice to flush it out.

Starbucks INSTANT?

Apparently, the falling Goliath that is Starbucks is kind of desperate in this new economy: they're introducing instant coffee. They say it'll taste the same. It's doubtful that I'll ever find out. I'm just not a Starbucks kind of guy since I can't stand coffee - especially when it carries as many calories and fat as a Whopper and costs as much as three of them. I only drink coffee once in a great while to stay awake (though it's nice to sip a cappuccino once in a while, which I still haven't done at Starbucks). So anyone out there who is obsessed by Starbucks: just let me know if the "instant Starbucks" thing works.

Good at Cooking with Andy, Inaugural Edition

The "Good at Cooking" series has taken a turn for the lame lately, but this one (from 1/30) is so stupid that it's actually pretty funny. Watch as Andy cooks the food of Barack Obama's native land: India (!?), where they have... teepees!?



Andy's really not that bright. He's also kind of a schmuck.

Top Chef 5 Live-Blogging: Just Not In The Mood Tonight

I've had a looooooong, busy, exhausting day today, people. My mind is just not into Top Chef 5 tonight. That coupled with the fact that I might just fall asleep somewhere during the action tells me that I will be either useless or pretty damn entertaining tonight if I do live-blog. That and these people are really starting to irritate me. Thank God the finale is (spread over the) next (few) week(s).

So please play the TC5 drinking game at home, and swig one for me every time Leah and Hosea get jiggy wit it or every time Stefan acts, well, Stefan-like. I may post the occasional haiku (or limerick, in our lovebirds' case) if the spirit moves me, but I promise nothing.

One thing I will say. We all know this is coming sometime tonight, probably sometime between 10:20 and 10:35 if my hunch is correct: Fabio fillets his hand. The ads have been all over the place after all, and if you don't know this will happen, then you just don't give a shit about this silly show anyway.

Why am I watching again?

10:02 Too bad this catchphrase never caught on, carla: Yoo CAN dooooooooooooooit. Yoo CAN dooooooooooooooit.

Molecular gastronomy! Please, God, no foam!

10:10 I can't wait to see Minx's "My eyes are going to pop out of my head!" photo tomorrow. And it was fun to hear Fabio say the words "Lidia Bastianich," no?

Well this is a morbid challenge. Make the professed "last dish" for five icons of the food world. Hmmm, I wonder what my "last dish" would be? I have to think about that one. Hot dogs? Saag gosht? Sushi and sashimi served on the nekkid body of a buffed Men's Health model? Hot dogs?

10:08 Okay, Stefan, look at a real class-act: TC1 winner Harold! Long time no see, dude!

10:25 I was right - Fabio needs a medic around 10:25.

10:31 These last suppers look and sound delicious. Oh, and DRINK! DRINK! DRINKDRINKDRINKDRINKDRINK!!!!!

10:32 WTF? I just lost my signal!

10:35 Reception is back on. It sounds like they are really bagging on Stefan's spinach dish. Pretty strong rain just started, too. Meh, if it goes out again I'll just catch this over the weekend.

10:39 Hey - I don't own a cookbook by Jacques Pépin! But I got a Julia Child classic at the Book Thing.

10:42 Wow. That would-be-supermodel Jonathan sure sounds shallow. But hey, he's on a show called Make Me a Supermodel for Chrissakes. Oh where are MMaSM1's winner and runner-up? Seriously, where the hell are they?

10:45 Goodness, one minute they're all "You didn't embarrass us," the next it's "We're pissed!"

Oooohoohoo, Stefan is very surprised that everyone thought his salmon was overcooked, and the dish was overall crappy. But the judges have bad stuff to say about everyone. Still, is this the night that Stefan's arrogance comes back to bite him?

10:48 Yup, Carla's squab was overcooked, too. She's going home. I say that right now because they are not going to send Stefan home. They're just not.

10:51 I stand corrected. All these deliberations make me confused. I truly cannot say I have any idea or clue who is going home tonight.

10:54 Oooh, Fabio won. That, and he's Italian! Did you know that?

10:56 And the love connection is severed, as Leah packs her knives and goes. Stefan came thisclose. Now we can be sure, once again, that he will win the whole shebang. And it's fughedabboutit, New York, and tu le ton temps, New Orleans!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS -

I wrote more than I thought I would tonight. But tiredness kicks back in. Buh-bye, Leah. Cross your fingers you have better luck with your boyfriend taking you back than Hosea probably will with his girlfriend.

This Is Why You're Fat

This has also made me lose my appetite for the next several days. Blaaaaaaaaa... Check out the rest of this nauseating food here.