Top Chef 5 Live Blogging: It's Almost Over!

Tonight is the (damnit) 75-minute long first part of the finale of Top Chef 5. It's down to the Italian, the Euro-douche, the guy whose girlfriend is probably going to leave him after watching him make kissy face with that contestant that just left last week, and the life-size Google Eye Doll.

Sorry, y'all. I'm punchy tonight.

Again, nothing too involved tonight. Just the occasional observation, maybe a haiku here, a limerick there. Just plain old Pepsi One for the drinking game. As for that obnoxious bright blue flame around the TV screen: please dear God, do not let that be the future of TV, or I'm just slipping in a DVD and forgetting about Top Chef for the evening.

10:03 Ah, New York is behind us, New Orleans is front and center. Hey, wasn't that big red building in a Varla Jean Merman video?

Mhmmm, I see that Emeril Lagasse has been let go of his Food Network contract after all.

10:05 So the quickfire is you just sit there and eat Southern food?

Oh wait - It's surfer boy, lover girl and the last third of Team Rainbow (don't have to DRINK there). Let me guess: one of these people is rejoining the troupe, yes?

10:07 Hosea: a little awkward, a little weird that Leah is back... especially after we both had to get that ointment and all. Dude, I still don't know who gave it to whom!

Live crawfish are the basis of Jamie, Jeff and Leah's baptism by quickfire. Leah admits she knows nothing about the creatures. Which means it's either Jamie or Jeff!

10:10 Oh, it would've been so funny had they made a face at Leah's soup. And look at Jeff and his crawfish and grits! Now show me a blue crab and grits dish and I will be a happy boy. I kind of like Jamie's crawfish dish though. But the look on Padma's face wasn't encouraging.

I think it's Jeff who's coming back.

10:12 And we'll find out after these commercial messages for Make Me an Undernourished Pretty Face Series 2!

10:14 Still have my mind on blue crab and grits. Note to self: make that a project in the near future.

10:16 I thought so. I was still pulling for Jamie though. Now: the only way Jeff makes it to next week is if he wins the challenge today.

Shameless Emeril cookbook plug. DRINK!

Hey, in 2002 I ate at Emeril's NOLA restaurant in New Orleans for lunch. It was $40, the most I had ever paid for lunch or would ever pay for lunch. In any country.

And that's one of his cheap restaurants.

10:19 Gratuitous Italy reference - DRINK!

10:20 Whoa - Deep Impact deja-vu!

The Mardi Gras museum? Don't know. But the elim challenge: create two dishes and one cocktail for a big Mardi Gras party. At least one must be in the Creole - not the Cajun - style.

10:22 Shameless car plug - DRINK!

Funniest quote of the night goes to Fabio: "My car... is a piece of... poop."

10:31 Aw shucks, she has to shuck her oysters. Fun.

10:33 Again: Stefan is being Stefanish Euro-douche. Oh dear Lord pleeeeeeease let him go home!!!

10:37 Carla's going to have to "MacGyver" it? So all she needs is a paper clip, some Silly Putty and an ounce of urine?

A third of her urshturs are shucked, hon. My brother-in-law's family is good at shucking those things. You should see them suck down the raw ones on New Year's. Hoo-wee!

10:38 Awwww, Gail's back. I have to admit I love the dresses. I think Tom should've chosen one, too.

10:41 Dude, it's Stephanie with 80's teen idol Corey Haim! He's looking much better than I remembered from those clips of his reality show on The Soup.

10:44 You just know some queen is there in her gown. Again, Varla, I'm lookin' at you, girl!

Did I miss something because I don't remember the chefs discussing those cocktails in the kitchen. And fried oysters aren't that difficult. I had some for brunch with Eric on Sunday at Rocket to Venus. Goooooood oysters, though what they did to their dried out clump o' cheese grits is absolutely shameful. More on that in a few days.

10:47 Mmmm. Maque choux. Yummy.

10:48 Carla loves love. All is love for Carla love love. Beignet love love. Urshtur stew love love bacon scallion yum.

Emeril like-ee Carla's food.

Hey, how many people did gumbo exactly?

What - too spicy!? Ah who cares? Emeril is happy with Hosea's, too.

10:52 Okay, now I know that Stefan is only trash-talkin', since only he seems to think that Hosea's food is nasty.

10:55 So... what did the judges think?

Jeff has to win in order to move to the finale. He had the best cocktail. As for his dishes? Lovely. Emeril especially loved his oyster dish.

Hey, I just noticed that Toby Young is missing. I guess he's being bitchy somewhere else.

Fabio: Not as good as Jeff, apparently. His dish was a bit too sweet, which is what Fabio likes.

Stefan: Never has Emeril seen a gumbo over grits. The flavor of the gumbo wasn't as deep as it could've been. The cold beignet worked with the cocktail.

And now Tom dings him on his cockiness. Hmmm...

Carla: They seemed to love them, so Tom asks a question that makes her think they didn't. Emeril thought hers were perfect. Stefan is being "not amused" by all this gushing over Carla.

Hosea: Gail thought the flavor was "developed" - again, Stefan is "not amused." What about his overcomplicated fish dish? It didn't seem that way in the mouth. Well, good for Hosea.

I think Jeff and Fabio are leaving tonight.

11:01 Jeff's oyster was perfect, as was his crawfish and grits dish. But there were other, better dishes, and he has to be on top or go home. He's going home.

Carla's came together very well, including her beignet.

Hosea is also a strong competitor. It's a good thing he practiced before he came to Nawlins!

Stefan and Fabio were on the bottom. Stefan's gumbo wasn't bad, and his beignet was inspired. That said, the cocktail was too sweet. Stefan's was not soulful, and his attitude is cocky. He just doesn't care. Fabio's maque choux would've been better over a crouton, and his pasta dish wasn't "put together" the right way. But the guy is ambitious - and "Italian."

Ooooh, did Tom just say that Stefan and Fabio could go home? Meh, I still think it's Jeff and Fabio.

11:09 "Chris" doesn't look androgynous or feminine to me. He looks skeletal.

I think the winner may, in fact, be Carla. Am I right?

YUP! There go her eyes, one more time. Aw, poor Jeff. Oh, and DRINK!

AND THERE WERE HER EYES!

Hey, he's not bad looking after all. And I don't usually go for the pretty boys.

11:11 Of course, Hosea is safe. And so, it's Fabio or Stefan. I think it's Fabio who leaves, but...

11:12 And it's Fabio, as I thought. The cocky one sticks around for one more episode.

POST-PARADE ANALYSIS -

And so ends "Team Europe" (oh, and this is the first time I have heard the phrase "Team Europe"). Fabio is pretty certain that Stefan will win, no question. Not the way he's been cooking lately! But enough about Stefan. Arrivederci, Fabio. And just to get all those Italy references out of my system that will now go unheard: Italian Italia Italy Italy I am Italian. **SIGH** That was building up for a while. Nice to flush it out.