Next Food Network Star 5 Live Blogging: The Finale

This is it! We've reached the end! And though Debbie (who I think is Korean or Southern or something - I mean she never said) is no longer with us...



...her memory lives on. I'm kind of surprised that Deb is done for. But I haven't watched last week's ep (seeing a little of it now), and from what I've heard it was a tough decision no matter what.

So it goes down to either Jeff or Melissa. Jeff seems fated to win, which is why I confidently predict that the winner will be Melissa. The reason: Melissa has stumbled a few times in the past and has gotten better. She's also gotten more irritating. Jeff is too good, and that's what kills him: he's too good (although, again, maybe he screwed up last week - I don't know). Plus, Melissa seems to really hit that "Sandra Lee" demographic. I won't say if Melissa is also in the habit of making utter crap like Sandra Lee, but she's certainly as sickeningly saccharine as she is. And that is why she will win, unless - again, as I said with Whatsername our long-gone dietitian - she literally packs her knives into one of the judge's heads and goes. So again:

Runner up: Jeffrey

And our predicted winner: Melissa

Tonight's drink of choice is Shiner Smokehaus Mesquite Smoked Beer, which (to me) really, really has that mesquite flavor. It's an acquired taste, much like the Old Bay caramels I made last week (and which aren't holding up terribly well in the heat - maybe the mistake was rolling them in even more Old Bay).

9:01 Obligatory montage of the past series. Hey, Rick Bayless must've been on last week. And there are some judges from Chopped. Yup, trying to squeeze in as much face time for 'em as possible.

9:02 Ah, bye Teddy, Michael, Brett, Deb, Eddie, Katie, Jen and Jamika. We knew them well, Horatio.

9:03 Oh, that's right. Jeffrey has a daughter. He hadn't mentioned that before, had he? What the hell: DRINK for old time's sake.

9:05
Maybe I should have
Done this live-blog in haiku.
Aw hell, it's too late.

9:05 And we move on to Melissa's family. Yup, y'all know the drill: DRINK!

Time for a rousing chorus of "I Am Woman"! I love the drag queen version in the movie Trick. Wonderful stuff.

9:07 Chelsea Market - hey, I was there!

9:08 I knew Alton would grace us with his more aggressive self - hey, does he have more hair now?

9:11 So of course, each cheftestant has to make a draft of his or her own show. Jeff wants to take "exotic" ingredients - such as "paprika" (WTF) - and use 'em in an American way. Melissa chose some pretentious French name that Alton totally swatted down, and he suggested "Survival!" Cuz she is a survivor! (What?) She's not gonna give up (What!), She's not gon' stop (What!?), She's gonna work harder (Yeah!)

9:12 Jeezy Peezy, not another friggin' Next Iron Chef!

9:13 Didn't get a chance to say how pleased I am that Gordon Elliott is not going to exec produce the winner's show like he did with Aaron "Big Daddy!!!!!!!" McCargo - or the Neelys, or anything by Paula Deen.

9:14 I never realized how cute Brian Boitano is.

9:15 Did y'all know that Sandra Lee won an Emmy? Yup, for Outstanding Hair Styling. I am not making that up.

9:15 Melissa is stressed? Rustic lemon-onion-chicken dish with her patented "four step chicken" (TM).

She looks kinda wooden. But that's what Alton is there for! His advice to the young Jedi: Be yourself. DRINK for mention of her girls.

Alton is pleased thus far.

9:17 And here is Jeff, comfy and, er, orange. Harissa steak sammich with some kind of mayo-naaaaiiise!!! Again, wooden. What was that Stepford Husband grin at the beginning while he scrubbed the griddle?

9:19 Okay, found a copy of "I Am Woman" with drag queens! Lots of sweaty shirtless gay men dancing around but hey, that's what you get with a drag version of "I Am Woman". Ladies and gents: Miss Coco Peru!

9:24 I like both their outfits, though I think a deeper shad of pink would look better on Jeff. Melissa's dress is lovely.

9:25 Hey, was Paula Deen in this season of this show? I forget.

Oh God, this is going to get tedious real, real fast.

9:27 They're going to show the presentations that each of these guys just made.

Awwww, they're bringing them all back! It's a reunion scene!

Oh no, they're getting all "Project Runway Reunion Episode"-ish on us now.

Thanks for sharing your lactation memories, Melissa.

Someone, please remind me how Eddie got on this damn show again?

9:29 Ohohohohohoho, we sure have some nicknames for you people, Tuschie!

9:30 Is it over yet?

9:32 Still not accidental posting on the Food Network home page prematurely congratulating the winner.

9:35 Teddy, on Eddie: "It's my Me-in-a-Bo-o-ox!"

9:36 And now, the pilots...

Melissa D'Arabian: Kitchen Survival Guide (please promise this won't be her opening sequence if she wins). I do like the whole "Plug and Play" thing she uses.

9:37 What does she dress the chicken in?

"My kids" reference: DRINK!

9:38 A little bit of butter? Oh, girl, you would not make it two minutes on Paula's Home Cooking or Barefoot Contessa.

9:39 Whoa, is that thunder I hear outside?

9:40 Overall, I thought her pilot went well. She offered good tips in a non-scatterbrained way. Focused and not needing others to help her. The show still seemed a weeeeeee bit wooden, but much closer to "Dan & Steve" than "Amy Findlay." A 4 out of 5 from me.

9:41 Again: I am so seeing that Julie & Julia movie.

9:45 And now it's Jeffrey's turn...

Jeffrey Saad: the Indredient Smuggler - even worse opening than Melissa's.

OMG, it's HARISSA!!! Kudos for what seems to be the Food Network's first ever mention that North Africa even has a cuisine (it does - it's lovely).

Teddy's so cute.

The food looks good and Jeffrey is goin' very smoothly. But he seems to have just jumped right in with such little opening. Melissa seemed to give more background, which helped. Granted, he doesn't have enough time to really go into what harissa is, but it would've been nice to hear at least a few more sentences on it. Overall, 4 out of 5, but a slightly lower 4 than Melissa's. I think she did a little better.

9:51 Just because they're offering "Maine"-like and "Louisiana"-ish recipes does not mean I want to eat at Red Lobster.

9:53 So at the 53-minute mark, I'm still ready to call it for Melissa! Let's see how my prediction holds up.

9:54 Who is this person in the Proactiv ad again?

9:55 I figured Suze would have tried harissa by now.

9:56 Continued heaping of praise on the cheftestants. Just don't give it to Stefan! (Oops, wrong show.)

9:57 And the winner is... aw, who the hell is this? It's just the president of the Food Network.

And NOW the winner, whose show airs in one week, is...

Pick up the pace, Flay.

(Still not as long and drawn out as the first Make Me a Supermodel finale.)

9:58 Oh, SNAP, I knew it! Cue "I Am Woman"! It's a fun song, okay? Don't hate on me for playin' it. And everything's better with drag queens.



POST-GAME -

Once again, our winner. I'm getting better at predicting these, I think. But had you told me at the start of this series that Melissa was even going to make it halfway, much less win, I'd have said you were crazy. So here you are, crazy and vindicated! And so am I. We start seeing Melissa's rescue kitchen next week. Now I watch Duff promote pizza in the Midwest. Shouldn't he be touting local pizza? Oh that's right: apparently we only have inedible pizza here as far as resident New Yorkers are concerned. How the hell did I get onto pizza again?

ADDENDUM -

I'm deleting the rules for the NFNS5 drinking game, of course, since no one needs them anymore. And yet, to save my hard work for posterity, I preserve them en toto below. This will be helpful if and/or when this series is ever released on DVD.

Drink ONCE:

* If someone says or does something stupid
* If someone talks wistfully about "their kids/spouse/parents/partner/dog, cat or goldfish
* For every Food Network celebrity that pops up (just once per hour for each cheflebrity
* Any of the guests (but not the judges or Food Network personalities) makes a face because of something food related
* Whenever any of the competitors is seen in a state of half-dress (shirtless men / bra-clad women)
* Whenever anyone says the phrase "YUM-O"
*Whenever Debbie mentions that she is Korean or Southern (TWICE if she mentions both in the same breath)
* Whenever Katie acts "dietitian-y"
* Whenever Teddy acts "Teddy-like" (SUPERENERGETICOBOYOBOY!!!)

Drink TWICE if:

* Any team spends too much for their food
* Any of the judges or Food Network cheflebrities makes a face because of something food related
* Anyone says some variation of "I don't know if I can trust him/her"

Drink THRICE (?) if:

* Any of these yokels hooks up.

DOWN WHAT'S IN YOUR GLASS or CHUG YOUR BEER FOR FIVE GULPS:

* If anyone - ANYONE - cries, for ANY reason.

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Wood Fire Grill Challenge - in Haiku

I haven't bothered to sit down and watch The Next Food Network Star 5 for about two weeks. It seems that this is my viewing pattern these days: watch every other episode, because there's something else going on. Next week will be the same: I will likely be away from the computer when the next episode is on. And it doesn't really bother me. Frankly, I am losing interest in this show. Wouldn't you if you were sightseeing far from home? Especially with faked-up duke-outs like the ones we see on this show?

And yet, here I am doing another live-blog. Ritualism makes me do it, I guess. And I have a special beer picked out for tonight. Since organic stuff seems to be all over the airwaves lately, Oxford Organic Raspberry Wheat Beer from Clipper City's line of Oxford Ales caught my attention this weekend at the Wine Source. It should get me through the next episode or two at least. Even more difficult since they got rid of all the fey fun that was... Michael.

Alas, poor Michael, we knew him well, Tuschie...

Because this show is tiring me out, I am going to make things more interesting for me by doing the blow-by-blows in haiku format. I haven't done it in a while and I'm feeling creative.

9:00
Wow. Look what I missed:
Debbie last week went and trans-
formed into Teddy!

9:01
Here's the Final Four,
Meeting with Mikey Symon.
Glare off head blinds me.

9:02
Oooh, they're on TV:
South Florida Live.com
They'll MAKE 'em fuck up >:)

9:03
Really - is THIS skill
something they'll need at Food Net?
Or just in live shows?

9:04
Debbie: THIS IS NO
CHALLENGE, WEAKLING! CHICKEN IS
MY FRIEND - HA HA HA!!!!!

9:05
Meliss': OMG!
I'm not Korean! Olives?
What!? You hate olives!?

No, I work alone!
Um, please don't, um, add stuff, sir.
Um, no, stop, er, umm....

Ah, they realize
It is just a joke - but just
AFTER they are filmed.

9:06
What will they do with
Jeffrey now? Poor boy - don't look
up, cuz there's a BOOM!

9:07
I would have paid good
money to see them do this
to Ted or Mikey.

Why does Jeff, while he
holds that mike remind myself
of Corny Collins?

Jamika's herb-roast-
ed chicken breast, with camera.
Here's your big moment!

9:08
Hey, I should write more
posts in haiku format! This
makes it bearable.

9:09
I bet Melissa
failed this challenge. Or Jeffrey?
They all had issues.

My mistake: It is
Melissa that transformed her-
self into Teddy.

And Debbie wins the
mini-challenge sans saying
that she's Korean.

9:15
Symon's back, with grills,
and a massive food set-up.
with Michael LeDoux.

Today's challenge: make
dish for Red Lobster menu
with just wood-fired grill.

DRINK: the look on Jeff's
face is priceless. Oh, and Deb
is Korean: DRINK!

9:17
Wait: they're being stopped!?
They look puzzled. Jeff's issue:
No chilis, dude. NO!!!

It looks like they plan
to blandify, er, change ev'-
ryone's ingred'yents.

9:20
She's never made fish
without citrus? She would not
survive in Bawlmer.

And Deb's Asian food
is confiscated; now, has
Mediterran'yan.

Again: DRINK once for
everyone's frustrated looks,
and "Kimchee" comment

9:26
They are panicking.
It makes sense to push Jeff's and
Debbie's boundaries.

Anchovy: salty,
with honey - interesting!
I am quite intrigued...

Do people who eat
at Red Lobster even eat
habaneros? Hmmm?

I agree w/ Flay:
In fact, I don't think she's used
"hab" chilis before.

9:29
And Jamika's pissed.
They took her pineapple. She's
not sure where she goes.

9:30
Deb can make story
out of anything, and link
it to Korea.

9:31
Not a lot of drink-
worthy moments tonight. So
make some of your own!

9:34
Jamika: I am
hot and pissed. I bet they are!
Melissa: shut up!

9:35
Debbie's dish: capers?
No, I have olives! Wait - she
had to use capers?

Deb's tilapia
is, however, cooked perfect.
A plus for Ms. Lee.

9:36
For Melissa: her
habaneros do not kill.
Wow, M: they're impressed!

Jeffrey's: a force-fit?
His wasabi-rub has worked.
Lots of great flavors.

9:37
Jamika: quite good,
but they seem to find the most
fault with her dish. Ouch!

9:38
Jamika is bummed.
Jeff feels good, but "just don't know."
Jamika cried: DRINK!

9:43
You know, this caper
thing is just the thing that these
yutzes nitpick on.

If I had to pick,
I would say that they will send
poor Jamika home.

9:44
Dude, I don't like to
think of Rachael Ray. But what's
Jeff's "EVOO?"

Ouch moment for Jeff:
"Cook without borders," sure, but
why always Southwest?

Jeff: predictable,
and vanilla. Speak of which:
Jamika's was dull.

9:46
Jamika: focused,
stressed and joy-free this evening.
Man, she was just pissed!

Melissa: did a
one-eighty from SFL.
At peace with chilis.

Interesting: she
talked about being mom with
no mention of kids.

9:48
Debbie: no Asian.
Guys, she used the damn olives.
Why are you bugging?

Debbie makes too much
in the way of excuses?
She cries, and I DRINK.

9:49
We are out of time?
Oh good, then Tusch and Suzie
can leave my TV!

9:50
Down to the finish:
I stick with my prediction:
Jamika is toast.

9:51
Jeff Corwin show: I've
not seen it yet. It's on food
anthropology?

9:53
First up: the winner?
Jeff's dish will be nestled in
with Red Lobster's crap.

9:54
Deb's Korean, and
Southern - DRINK TWICE! Jamika:
She's not drinkworthy.

9:55
Tusch bemoans how tough
their decision is tonight.
So they must nitpick.

9:56
Symon: Jamika
is star-worthy, but can she
really get the job?

Debbie's been coasting.
She aced her demo this week.
Is she bringin' it?

9:57
Cut right to the chase:
Jamika is jerked away
from the show tonight.

9:58
One thing you have to
say about Jamika: she
really took that well.

10:01
What the hell kind of
silly gimmick is this, Duff?
Kate and octs? Good God.

POST-GAME ANALYSIS:


Jamika leaves us,
was quite gracious about it.
Just three more to go...

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Something about Rachael Ray...

Well, I got a little away from the Food Network action with my trip last week, but I'm back! And I'm curious to test my "Katie is safe no matter how bad she fucks up" hypothesis. Probably wrong but we'll see. Even though Teddy is no longer of this show, he's still got a prominent place in the drinking game rules, in case they decide to bring him back for any reason.

Tonight's beer of choice: a Rising Moon, from the Blue Moon Brewing Company. Because it's "Yum-o."

Yes I feel so ashamed for having said that.

9:00 I admit: I will miss that cute little bummed out face that Teddy always sports when he's, you know, bummed out.

9:01 I have to admit: this is the most photogenic group of cheftestants they've ever had. And that's despite Michael! (Or because of?)

9:02 Their midterm? More like a practicum-slash-internship.

9:02 And the devil herself pops up on the TV! Did she just say "In honor of "Yum-o'?

And I have just lost all respect for Debbie.

The challenge: take adult ingredients and make them kid-friendly. Don't even go there with that.

9:04 Katie thinks this challenge is made for her. But she makes crap! And now she's making it for kids!

9:05 Smart thinking, Jamika: hide the tofu altogether!

9:06 Michael: because he's a big fat gay kid. C'mon, you know he'd agree.

You just knew Darth Rachael would come out with those little kid judges. Those kids do not look engaged.

New drinking game: drink ONCE for every time:

• every time someone says "Yum-o"
• every time Debbie reminds us that she's either Korean or Southern (if both in one breath, drink TWICE)

9:07 Those potatoes might actually taste good. I'm still surprised that the kids liked Katie's quinoa quap. I'd eat that stuff that Melissa is making. But I like Brussel sprouts.

9:08 Oh, I would have paid to see Teddy get all "Teddy-like" in front of these kids. That would have been funny!!!

Michael has a good knack for finishing early. Take that any way you want.

9:09 And Jeff charms again. Why do I picture Jeff surfing?

9:10 Okay, I admit it's a good idea to be cutesy and silly around kids. Jamika, however, spends all her time being cutesy.

9:11 Why do I get the feeling that Katie is sticking around for another week?

9:12 Yikes! Jamika is worried. She had trouble cooking and talking at the same time. Mastered that bubble gum thing.

OMG, the depths of hell? Well, we are talking Rachael Ray here...

9:16 Now Katie mentions that Debbie is from the South (what part of the South is WeHo in again!?).

These guys have to work in pairs. The funniest part? Katie and Debbie are together - the "Southern-Korean fusion" person and the "dietitian-y bland-as-cardboard" person. FUNNY!!

9:18 The J's are not jivin'

Homest to God, I'd much rather eat what Debbie wants to make than what Katie does.

9:19 Katie, fry that chicken for God sake!

9:20 Jeff. Jamika. Still not jivin'.

DRINK for Debbie's remark. The way she said "Yeah, that's great" to Jeff and Jamika's dishes? Again, FUNNY!!!

Jamika. Feelin' sorry for herself. Makin' copies.

9:27 Oops, did I forget to DRINK for Rachael? DRINK!

All them ideas have gotta hurt.

Why did Rach not sound all that enthused?

9:28 DRINK for Melissa's kids reference. Do we have this season's Aaron McCargo? The camera scares him.

9:29 GASP! She's out-intensing Rach! Hell, she's out-intensing Emeril! TEDDY!

9:30 How Michael Got Her Groove Back... Or, not. The M's were, hmmmm...

9:31 And now it's time for polar opposites day on The Rachael Ray Show! Coming up: healthy, blandified Korean/Southern food.

Oh, you're Korean? DRINK.

DRINK about five times for Katie's dietitian mojo comin' on.

9:31 Every whole grain pasta I have ever eaten has tasted like packing material. Y'all gotta really - and I mean really - convince me here.

Tuschie: "I was impressed with Debbie, she's so natural." Where's the compliment for Katie.

Katie's chicken" "Soooooo dryyyyy" (Lisa). DRINK TWICE!

9:35 My favorite drive-in experience:



9:36 Jeff and Jamika: bring it, pork n' beans style.

9:37 I wish they had talked about this before. Why is Jamika frozen? Jeff, give her some rope, dude.

9:38 Earth to Jamika, come in Jamika...

I think Tuschie needs a drink.

9:39 No, Jeff, she was not awesome. Why didn't you shut up for a sec?

9:40 Tuschie made a face - DRINK TWICE!

9:41 So it looks like the judges are disappointed in Jeff, Jamika and Michael. The ones who really shone: Debbie and - this is a big shock - Katie.

9:43 I admit: A1's Meat Loaf ad is pretty funny. Cheap, but funny.

9:44 I've been surprised before, but I think Jamika is going home tonight.

9:45 Katie had her head down for a while, but you know, that's something you learn.

Why does Katie still manage to look surprised whenever the judges say that her food sucks?

9:46 Wait: isn't Debbie Korean?

9:47 Debbie sheds a tear, but she's not really "crying" so no drink.

Jeezy peezy, Melissa will cry at the drop of a hat! Kind of like my mother.

9:48 El Flay-o: Alright, Jersey boy to Jersey boy, what's up, brother?

9:49 Should I start drinking every time Michael makes up a goofy word?

9:50 I see. Teddy passed the "OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!" torch to Jeff.

9:51 It's all agreed: this wasn't Jamika's finest hour.

9:54 So, I wonder if the SciFi Channel's Torchwood rip-off will be any good?

9:55 Not actually sure if anyone will win, but I still think Jamika is doomed.

Ooooh, there wasn't a winner this week! But Debbie, Melissa and Jeff are safe.

Katie's still in the bottom - again. And she's crying. CHUG 'em if ya' got 'em.

9:57 That's a coop-out, Leese. Last season's winner was afraid of the camera, too. Remember what happened to him? He has a show on the Food Network now.

Hmmm, maybe it'll be Katie after all?

9:58 And Michael is safe!

And Katie goes home! Conspiracy theory unconfirmed!

9:59 Our fave Fab Fiver is back! And why is Melissa moaning about not getting any help? If she's going to get testy when people complain about helping her, then don't complain when they don't, dude!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS -

Maybe it's coincidence, but I just realized that every time I post a cheftestant's photo, he or she gets eliminated the following Sunday. Happened to Teddy, and it just happened to Katie, who's luck has just run out. I actually am a little surprised, because I really thought the judges were never going to get rid of her. But her food just got too dietitian-y one too many times. Now go eat some tofu, Katie.

One note: I will be in New York City this time next week (scored a one-way ticket on the BoltBus that only cost a buck, man! And $10 the other way). I will be a bit busy, so again I won't be live-blogging. Beats the hell out of me who is going home.

Call it a hunch...

I have this very strange feeling that Katie is going all the way to the end.

Okay, stop laughing.

Seriously, here's why: apparently, she's been either at the bottom or just missed being there pretty much every friggin' episode. The woman has - and I mean this in the least mean way possible - a cockroach-like ability to stick around. I think the producers have had it planned all along that they want a nutrition-y show on the network (to counteract all that other, fattier food they reguarly feature).

So my hunch is that, unless she breaks out a katana and slices Tuschie's head off, the producers have decided that she's untouchable.

Okay, crazy I know. Yeah, I'm probably wrong and she'll probably go home - in fact, this weekend I will probably predict her demise. But if I'm wrong, and she survives next week - and the following week, and the following week... - well, y'all heard it here first.

So I missed The Next Food Network Star...

Catch the recap that's much funnier than just watching it through the first time.

Photoshopped graphic courtesy of Minxeats, home of the aforementioned recap.

Note about NFNS5 Live Blogging tonight

Because I don't know what my internet access, Food Network access or nightly activities will be this evening, I cannot promise that I will be live-blogging The Next Food Network Star 5 tonight. Check back around 9. If I'm live-blogging, great! If not, you know why. In that case, just do what I'm gonna do and catch Minx's recap tomorrow.

I still think either Katie or Teddy is doomed, though the way they edited the ad it looks like any of these remaining seven yahoos have a lot to worry about tonight.

Teddy Redeemed?

From the blog Degustation, some insight into the real Chef Teddy Folkman, still of The Next Food Network Star 5. H/T Minx.

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Dinner at Ina's

Last week, both Eddie and Katie just narrowly missed gettin' their tuschies kicked out. Tonight, we will apparently see Teddy go through some sort of nervous breakdown. Who wins and who packs their knives (again, wrong damn show!) tonight? Will special cheflebrity Ina Garten bring her BGFF* TR along for the ride? Only one way to find out...

Due to all the beer at yesterday's Baltimore LGBT Pride Block Party, I really don't feel like even seeing another fermented beverage right about now. So tonight the drinking game is just with good old boring Pepsi One. Anyone else drinking at home is encouraged to use the alcoholic beverage of his or her choice.

* BGFF: Best gay friend forever

9:00 Ina brings her friends tonight! How many gay men (besides those competing in this competition) will be on the screen tonight?

9:02 I distinctly remember him saying he would not throw anyone under the bus. I'm still befuddled.

Jeff topless - DRINK!

9:03 Tyler Florence (guest chef #1 - DRINK!) meets the cheftestants at a fancy restaurant. The challenge: do a dinner party on a budget, giving 30-second promos on how to stretch your food dollar. Sandra Lee much?

9:04 Ted: You? Dramatic? NOOOOOOOOOOO! (DRINK!)

I guess Tyler hasn't been watching.

Crepes are yummy. I see Jeff in it for the long haul...

9:05 Michael: a f*ckin' grand for a dinner party!?!? I usually just put out a brie and roast a chicken for my friends when I have 'em over. 30 bucks tops. Just ask them.

9:07 First time in Food Network history: someone utters the word "cross-utilize" (Michael)

I just love the face Tyler is making when these guys speak. What the hell? DRINK!

9:08 I'd be nervous in front of Tyler Florence, too, Eddie - he's so dreamy....... 8-) (end of silliness)

Wow, not as dietitian-y as normal.

9:09 Y'all, this is why you need to have a club savings card.

Michael, Jamika and Ted messed up in this challenge. Oooooooo... Double ooooo for Jamika's urging people to reuse a raw meat marinade (DRINK!)

Prediction: Teddy is not going to tune it down. Don't believe me? Let's put a wager on it...

9:10 Is Ina the twist? Maybe they should've, like, not told us she'd be on tonight in that case. Save it as a surprise.

9:14 OoooOOOOooo, the Hamptons! The people there usually do $60 hors d'oeurves, not $60 dinner parties.

9:15 And of course, the guest cheeflebrity is Ina (DRINK).

What's the twist now? Teams of two. Appetizer, entrée and dessert.

9:16 I wonder how much of this is real, actual tension? It looks as if nobody wants to work with:

1. Teddy, because they don't trust him after what went down between Brett and Melissa, and
2. Melissa, because she really doesn't seem to do very well without assistance (the basis of the thing between Brett and Melissa.

9:17 New drinking game rule: anytime someone says some variation of "I don't know if I can trust him/her", DRINK TWICE.

9:19 Another "cautious" comment and another Teddy-like goofiness. DRINK TWICE for each. Oooh, drink four times?

9:25 Okay, I thought Melissa was talking about Teddy for some reason.

9:26 TeddyFAIL! Guess which flighty executive chef forgot to make his dessert? DRINK!

Heavy hitters? Her husband and all her Hampton buds, okay, but...

9:27 Groan, another story about her kids! DRINK! (Even though it kind of fits here)

Ina loves Melissa, but Kate Tyler finds her annoying. Ina doesn't like her chicken though. Did Eddie do the salad? Again, it failed.

No TR yet.

9:28 Well Debbie, just smack that manbitch, alright?

OMG - Teddy ISN'T getting all, well, Teddy-like? Debbie is happy. Plus they worked well together.

Food-wise? Hey, the meatloaf WORKS! Way to go, Deb and Ted. Teddy's dessert wasn't very good.

9:30 Coming up, the groups that we haven't really heard from much yet.

9:33 Back in Happytime Kitchen... Temexican? Mexitalian? Don't drink - just roll eyes.

9:34 Yum. Whole wheat pasta. Delicious.

Jamika: I do that all the time, adding stuff to store-bought things. And like you, I also haven't even made my own Kwanzaa Cake recipe that has spread all over YouTube or dressed up like Scarlett O'Hara. Yet.

9:36 So Mike, are you trying to tell me that you are ooawwff?

9:37 Global a-go-go... For any of my heterosexual readers: no, not all gay men talk like this. Just Michael.

Mike and Jeff: it looks elegant. They like the food, too. Presentation: Mike is nervous, Jeff self-confident.

9:38 And now Jamika and the dietitian present asian salmon and seaweed!

9:39 Nothing that Katie has said so far sounds unappetizing. The salmon also works well. But salmon and pasta do not go together well.

No collaboration?

Oh boy, Katie's being "dietitian-y" again. I'm adding that to the drinking game: anytime Katie acts "dietitian-y" - DRINK!

9:44 Yep, tonight's commercials are just boring.

Chicken is sleepy? Eddie's the one who looks sleepy.

9:45 I admit that I would love to be invited to Ina's for a dinner party. I've got the gay thing, so that prerequisite is out of the way.

9:46 And now the judgment:

Jamika and Katie: No collaboration, but Jamika's dish was delish. Katie? "Overall I liked the dish..." and "slightly unmemorable" in the same sentence is not what you want to hear.

Jeffrey and Michael: Their dishes were Ina-worthy. DAMN! Way to go, boys!

Hey, I missed Jeff talking about his daughter. Why did I miss this? DRINK!

Michael is "lost" and off his game. Oopsie.

Eddie & Melissa: Not working together. Melissa says Eddie was all tense, and that was annoying to El Flay.

@Melissa: defensive much?

Eddie's onions were both overwhelming AND done before.

OOOOOO, he did a Paula Deen recipe (DRINK for her unexpected mention). Dumb move, dude: DRINK!

And finally Deb and Ted: Teddy admits that his dessert sucked ass.

And now Ted indeed puts foot into mouth: "I felt (the meatloaf that both of us collaborated on) was mine." Bobby is annoyed, and guess how Debbie feels?

Ooooh, now I'm not happy with Teddy right now either...

9:50 Tears are commencing after the break

9:51 Okay, so who's set up to win tonight, and who's going home? The latter is easier: Teddy probably should go home because of that dessert and that taking ownership of the dish that he and Debbie so clearly worked on together. But since the producers crave that sort of drama, there is no way in hell Teddy is going home tonight. So what about the others? Katie and Eddie continue to make the same old crap. It's gotta be one of them. I could go either way on this.

As for the winner? Tough call. For the best overall meal I'd have to say Jeffrey and Michael. There were problems with at least one dish from each of the other teams, despite Michael's presentation deflation.

9:54 The winners tonight are, duh, Jeffrey and Michael. And I just realized this was not in any way a tough call.

9:55 Debbie, Jamika, Katie and Melissa are also safe.

9:56 Why did Ted self-destruct? He's embarrassed about that dessert. Ed, don't be cavalier about being in the bottom three times in a row.

I think they're gonna roast Teddy alive in the green room.

9:57 Um, should we leave Ted and Ed alone in the room?

Teddy cries - GLUG THAT BEER!

Since they're all saying that Teddy will go, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Eddie is leaving.

9:58 And the loser of the week is...

Eddie... Yup, thought so.

I wouldn't really wanna be Teddy right about now.

9:59 Wait: Eddie can cook?

10:00 Debbie is injured next week? What is Guy doing on his Big Bite anyway?

POST-GAME ANALYSIS:

Third time's a charm... if "charm" means "We're not taking this anymore, Eddie." Here's hoping he finds some common ground in how men and women eat!

ALSO: So since he got booted by doing a Paula Deen recipe, does this mean they didn't like her recipe, or his take on her recipe?

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Holidays with Giada

It just dawned on me that I never bothered to establish drinking game rules for TNFNS5. Just to reiterate what we did last week, plus some additions:

Drink ONCE:

• If someone says or does something stupid
  
• If someone talks wistfully about "their kids/spouse/parents/partner/dog, cat or goldfish"
• For every Food Network celebrity that pops up (just once per hour for each cheflebrity)
• Any of the guests (but not the judges or Food Network personalities) makes a face because of something food related
• Whenever any of the competitors is seen in a state of half-dress (shirtless men / bra-clad women)
• Whenever Teddy acts "Teddy-like" (SUPERENERGETICOBOYOBOYOBOY!!! I do like Teddy, but this is just too obvious a rule to ignore)

Drink TWICE if:

• Any team spends too much for their food.
• Any of the judges or Food Network cheflebrities makes a face because of something food related

Drink THRICE (?) if:

• Any of these yokels hooks up.
  

DOWN WHAT'S IN YOUR GLASS or CHUG YOUR BEER FOR FIVE GULPS:

• If anyone - ANYONE - cries, for ANY reason.

Tonight's drink of choice: Pyramid Breweries' Hefeweizen, which was the lightest brew in my fridge. I was going to do Clipper City's MarzHon in the spirit of HonFest, since I'm feeling all "Bawlamoronic" from seeing all the sprays of hons around Hampden, but I drank it all. Eeeuuuups, hon!

9:00 "It will be brought"? I missed that last week.

9:02 Oooh, Ryan D'Agostino of Esquire gets to judge the competitors' print-worthiness. Michael's wit is welcome.

9:03 For this challenge, they have to combine some type of beef or chicken with something unusual, such as maple syrup, pistachios or cereal.

Melissa: So you mean that women do not like meat? Not the women I know!

9:04 Jeff looks East for guidance.

Good God, so Esquire is for men. Where does this say "Women not allowed to eat this?" Jamika, make something you would eat, for Chrissakes.

9:05 Hmmm. I guess Melissa really doesn't do meat. Um, is she sure she's from Texas?

9:06 Now the obligatory "One minute of wigging it live on TV" bit. Eddie's sophisticated beer thing and his Brussel sprout hash? Not bad.

9:07 Melissa: I kept it family friendly. Heck, even a li'l ol' woman could eat it! DRINK!

Jamika brain freezes. Sounds like a haiku:

Whiskey, molasses,
Um, maple, molasses, um,
Whiskey, delicious...

9:08 Damn, Jeff, tres Middle Eastern indeed!

9:09 The robust personality fo Teddy! I love his reactions to his goof ups. He's possessed by Guy Fieri and Emeril.

9:09 Big headed much, Brett? THAT'S where Teddy's misplaced enthusiasm landed.

9:10 Oooh, Bobby, I'll utilize that pickle in a more innovative way.

Get a load of the look on Esquire guy's face at Michael's creation - with cawfee! Did he write Jamika's presentation?

9:11 Debbie's quick and easy BBQ. Hey, a (wo)man, a can, a plan!

Kate tackles this with all the gusto of a dietitian! She's Super Dietitian! Featuring undercooked lamb and couscous with cereal.

9:13 Hot dang, Eddie wins the challenge! Good comeback from whatever the hell he made last week.

9:16 Flavortown?

9:17 It's, erm, some kind of holiday, with the ever-glowing Giada De Laurentiis (DRINK)! We switch gears from Esquire to Good Housekeeping, and our cheftestants have to represent the holidays in their dishes. Apparently, each has to do a different holiday.

9:18 I could see Katie doing Earth Day.

9:19 It seems like most people are happy with their selections. Who the hell thought to include "Groundhog Day"?

9:20 Somehow I think Katie is missing the point of Earth Day. It's not about eating healthy. It's about helping the environment. Um, shouldn't she be developing a dish that reflects a desire to save the Earth?

I like Jeff's take on Groundhog Day - make something springlike!

9:21 Teddy is a cutie but Good Lord is the man intense! Ted, you better not mess up that crab cake! You are representin' the Chesapeake Bay, man, don't let us down!

9:23 No gratuitous references to Melissa's family so far. No drink. But Debbie admits it was dumb to burn the rice - but at least she didn't serve it! Say, does this promise to be a peculiarly alcohol-free drinking game?

9:27 Bide thy thyme, folks! (I've been waiting years to use that one.)

9:28 New drinking game rule: DRINK ONCE whenever Teddy acts "Teddy-like" (that is, SUPERENERGETICOBOYOBOYOBOY!!!)

9:28 And now the presentations:

Melissa (Mother's Day): I missed it. Did she talk about her kids? Aw hell, DRINK anyway. The judges feel she has redeemed herself!

Jeff (Groundhog Day): Because Groundhog Day reminds me of Spring, which reminds me of Mexico (?!?!?) At least he admits it. Charming, tasty, but totally missed the assignment. DRINK!

Jamika (New Year's Day): I like Jamika's discussion of family (DRINK) and Southern New Year's traditions. To my buddy Jim: For 1/1/2010, make that food SPICY! Tasty, charming.

Kate (Earth Day): Um, I would've just given them granola.

Seriously though, shrimp and white beans leads to health leads to gratuitous family allusion (DRINK). Kate's food is boring and, well, "dietitian-y."

9:32 Brett, don't leave! They'll probably kick off Kate anyway!

9:36 Teddy (Labor Day): Just start DRINKING now. Surf and turf, good crab cake. That act-y thing! THAT'S the word I was looking for! "Art-y!"

9:37 Brett (April Fool's Day): He's leaving? Nope. It's April Fools. Oh, I HATE those people who made the commercial for this week. Wacky, but not exactly April Fool's eatin'.

9:38 Debbie (Mardi Gras):Okay Deb, you're from WeHo. What part of the South is WeHo in? Why haven't we found out what state she's originally from? Food wise, they seem to like her meal.

9:40 Michael (Halloween): Definitely not a Southerner. His link to Mexico was more believable than Jeff's. Plays up the gay thing well without making fun of it! Good meal, too.

9:41 Eddie (Valentine's Day): What the hell are you talking about, Eddie? DRINK!

Women have different dietary enjoyments? (Hence the DRINK)

Oh Good Grief, that is you? Dude, no. Um, no. And it's not very good. Just tastes like roses.

9:47 I think either Brett Eddie or Katie is going home. If I had to bet I'd choose..... Brett Eddie. (NB: I originally typed "Brett" but meant "Eddie," not foreseeing the events that would transpire at the end of this episode.)

9:48 Um, Katie, you also forgot that Earth Day is about saving the planet, not healthy eating.

She's crying - CHUG EM IF YOU GOT EM!

9:49 Note: Not every gay man dyes his hair to match the color of the room. Hellooooo...

9:50 For a minute, I thought Eddie was genuinely surprised that women do, in fact, like eating the same things that men eat. The judges might keep him just out of sympathy.

Okay, don't drink again - that was just a flashback.

Is Brett in over his head? Does he really want this?

Is Melissa in over her head? Does she really want this?

9:51 Whoa, Brett: what the hell is this ambush? I like Teddy more now that he's refusing to throw anyone under any bus.

Melissa tears up, but DRINK is optional: Brett was being an ass. Okay never mind, not optional - CHUG!

9:54 I now think it will be Katie who's going home. Eddie is just so sappy and sad, I think they might feel sorry for him after putting foot into mouth like that. But he's still not out of the woods! So that's my assessment: Katie, if not then Eddie.

9:56 Woo hoo, Jamika wins this week, with Deb and Melissa in tow - our talented Southern ladies. Also kudos to Jeff, Mike and Ted.

Hey, I didn't think Teddy implied anything! That was all on Brett.

9:57 Eddie is insincere, Brett is likable but "just not what we're looking for," Katie is all health and no fun.

I still think it's Katie.

9:58 Oooh, and I'm wrong. Then it's DEFINITELY Eddie.

9:59 Whoa, I am totally wrong AGAIN! I didn't see Brett going home at all. But he's just not right for the network, as far as they are concerned. I think it was the wrong decision: the other two were clearly worse.

9:59 And next week we hae Ina!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS:


I really did not see this coming, and I still don't quite understand it. They got rid of him mostly because they don't see him as a Food Network personality. And yet, they go all out and say he is charming and all that. But I also really didn't expect his throwing Melissa under the bus (and I'm still not quite sure why she feels that Teddy threw her under, too). This wasn't the best decision. I can understand why he was in the bottom three, but not why he went home.

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Press Party for Food Network's 16th Birthday

Here it is! The opening episode and live-blog of the latest edition of The Next Food Network Star. It may be a poor, poor substitute for the glitz and glamor of Top Chef: Masters (on which at least one Food Network personality, Michael Chiarello, is competing). In fact, my sister rolled her eyes when I told her I was doing this tonight. But I bet she'll be reading along while watching that "Total Eclipse of the Heart (Literal Version)" that's been going around the Internet.

I will be developing the drinking game as we go along. A less nebulous one will feature next week, with rules posted on the side. The drink of choice tonight is New Belgium Brewery's Fat Tire Beer. Yes, the same beer that I lovingly transported in my checked luggage from Ontario, California, to BWI Airport because the asshats in Annapolis won't change the laws to make it legal to mail alcohol to your own home across Maryland state lines.

8:59 The challenges are tougher, bitch!

Uhm, and why do you wanna join these clowns again? J/K. About most of 'em. Okay not Sandra Lee.

9:01 Wow, the competitors are a motley bunch of shlubs, no? Ah, I'm being mean.

Jen: Legally Blonde much?

Jamika and Monique are from the ATL and the PHL(?) respectively. Aw, damn, they're going too FAST I CAN'T KEEP UP!

Michael: The goof of the show?

Eddie: The boy has a faux hawk.

9:03 Bad cliché: DRINK!!!

Melissa from Dallas is talking about family. Another DRINK-worthy moment.

Oooh, who's this? It's our semi-local boy Tommy Teddy.

And then there's Debbie, who does a Korean/Southern fusion, and Jeffrey from Cali.

SIGH - I will figure out who these people are at some point.

9:04 You can't believe this is starting so soon? Um, have you ever seen this show before?

9:05: Sorry Suze, it's just a reality show.

9:06 So, would Bobby Flay be like their drag mother? The RuPaul to her Drag Racers?

Tonight's challenge: cater the 18th Anniversary Party for Food Network! No pressure, really.

9:07 And this is already a pre-chosen team challenge. Is there a flow chart for this?

9:08 Brett is "Green Team" Captain. How did he become Team Captain? The dishes don't seem to have a theme here. But the guys on the team are cute. And if you like women, they are, too.

9:09 Oooh, Debbie on the Red Team is doing a crab cake with spicy mayo. I like this woman. Do go far, Debbie. Do go far...

I am already hating faux-hawk guy.

Oooh, do they get to use the New York Whole Foods, too?

9:10 Green Team bought too little, Red Team bought too much. Again, SIGH. This seems like a DRINK moment, too...

9:11 Okay, a few Drinking Game Rules I've come up with so far:

Drink ONCE:

• If someone says or does something stupid
• If someone talks wistfully about "their kids/spouse/parents/partner/dog, cat or goldfish"
• For every Food Network celebrity that pops up (just once per hour for each cheflebrity)
  

Drink TWICE if:

• Any team spends too much for their food.

Rules commence after the commercial break!

9:14 Oh boy they're BACK! Mikey wants to kill Debbie. Jeff's stuff is left out, and he is not happy.

9:15 Meanwhile, all is bliss over with the Green Team. Elle, erm, Jenn is accosted for her simple Green Team Green Beans. All seemed like bliss, but the Flaymeister is kinda underwhelmed so far.

9:16 "My girls love this apple tart" - Family reference, DRINK!

Teddy is adorable, no? I'd eat that man's gratin anytime.

9:17 bobby's getting along with Mikey. We don't see him reacting with anyone else so far. Um, Food Net folks, did y'all leave somethin' out?

9:18 I love crab cakes. Go fig. A Baltimorean who loves crab cakes? I know, odd, isn't it?

I guess her kids don't get unbaked tarts. But the Green Team is showing team work, so that's good for them.

9:19 Um, Debs? Where's the dijon?

9:20 Debbie's kind of a suck-ass leader.

9:21 Hey, I've been to the Riverside Best Buy!

9:23 I could've sworn they got rid of that English guy from Dinner: Impossible!

9:24 OMG, there are so many Food Network celebrities I'll get alcohol poising if I do my drinking game. Obligatory DOUBLE SWIG, and that's it for now.

9:25 Hey, y'mook. I'm Brett. I'm the captain, bitch. Fugheddabadit.

9:26 Jamika comes up first. Spicy-sweet shrimp cocktail with mango jicama slaw.

Next is Teddyfrom the WDC. He did gruyere gratin.

Like Hello! I'm totally fabulous Jenn with my green beans with grape tomatoes. They go wonderfully with this plate.

Melissa: apple tart. With caramel drizzle. Oh, what FUN!!!!!1!!11!! DRINK for the reference to her girls.

9:28 Wait, WTF is Nancy O'Dell doing there?

Morimoto intimidates poor Legally Blonde Chef. Apparently, Giada intimidates our apple tart woman.

And Brett inserts foot in mouth.

9:29 The breakdown:

Melissa: Duffman and Sunny love her tarts. Anne forgets to do her Cookie Monster noise.

Jamika: The shrimp was a major ick factor, but she's got an IT thing!

Jen: Green beans were "unpleasant"

Teddy: Raw taters. Oooooooooo....

Brett: "Jail / army food" and "spongy mushrooms" - Duff's and Giada's responses respectively.

Things are looking pretty sickly for the Green Team.

9:32 Oh, please let the Red Team do better. And I was wrong: it's the 16th anniversary, not the 18th. Food Network still can't vote.

9:34 Angel food cake is from the dev-ille.

9:35 Deb's story is intriguing. Oh, those are the type of crab cakes that are breaded on the outside.

Katie: a dietitian who made a colorful, fun salad with goat cheese. FUN! (Sarcastic grin)

Jeffrey: his style is just throwing things together. Cumin-rubbed zucchini with citrus and red chili.

Oh my.

Michael: Shouldn't he be on Project Runway? Just sayin'. Oh, listen to that Jersey twang.

Eddie: Uber-reserved. A deconstructed BLT with avocado and, um, something that starts with an S?

9:37 Alton's face says: "Yay, just what we need here. A registered dietitian. Fun."

9:38 I have to put my Maryland sensibilities out of my head. Just remember: not all crab cakes have internal breading. Not all crab cakes have internal breading. Not all crab cakes have internal breading...

9:39 The assessments:

Debbie and Michael: They did a good job overall.

Jeffrey: The zucchini works!

Katie: The salad and chard were safe and boring.

Eddie: The BLAST Ball was no blast.

And the cake? Well, the Red Team knew it would be a failure.

9:41 Initial assessment: Overall, it seems like the Red Team did better in terms of individual dishes. Most of the chefs on the Green Team failed to please, while most of the Red Team chefs did, in fact, please at least somewhat. But someone has to account for that godawful dessert on the Red Team.

Who's going home? Dunno. I'd place my bets on somebody on the Green Team.

9:43 Hey guys, at least no one made a face while they were eating. That's a plus.

9:44 Red Team Assessment: Debbie was overbudget, but OOOOOO , she LIED about it! (Stupidity: DRINK!) Angel food cake was an embarrassment. Debbie takes responsibility. At least she's big enough to take the blame. But they loved her spicy mayo, and her opening was delightful.

Michael: His tenderloin was Suzie's fave. And his presentation? Fierccccccccce.

Katie: Throwaway dishes. Dull as a doorknob. Deer in the headlights, silly grin. Oy.

Eddie: Blinking boy. His presentation? "Corporate" and "Earnest" like a senior class president. We have a whole high school senior class up here tonight, folks!

Jeffrey: Earthy, tasty dish. And he's so excited about food!!! He MADE Flay hungry!

9:48 Flay tears into the Green Team. Oh my, Brett looks surprised by the bad evaluation.

Jamika: Slaw was refreshing, but shrimp was - what did Brown say? - "the gatekeeper of badness". At least she's charming.

Melissa: Apple tart was the only good thing, apparently. Presentation was light and fun, but TOO INTENSE. If anyone on the Green Team is leaving, it's probably not her.

Jen: Like, the dish was totally unworthy of our reception. Like, gag me with a spoon.

I think she's leaving.

Teddy: He knew something went wrong. He realizes it. Even though everyone loved the flavors, the raw potato thing was, um, not good.

Does Melissa ever stop smiling?

9:51 If I had to wager, I'd say Jen was packing her briefcase and heading home on account of those absolutely forgettable green beans. But shows like this often throw you a curve ball, so it'll probably be Katie - for that boring, dietitian-inspired salad and chard - or Teddy - for his potatoes raw gratin.

So that's my bet: Jen, otherwise Katie, otherwise Teddy.

9:54 Where is Adam Roberts' commentary when you need it?

9:55 Oh, if you want to vote on who goes home, you can! Here.

9:56 They liked Jeffrey, Michael and Melissa. out of them, the big winner was... JEFFREY! Congrats to him! he must've really wow'd the judges.

9:57 Teddy and Katie are safe, as is Jamika. So is it Jen?

Debbie is also good. And it comes down to Eddie, Jen and Brett. Again, I think it's Jen.

9:58 And the loser is...

Jen. Hey, I got one right! That's 1 for 1 for me! But it's sad for Jen. Like, this is like totally gag-tastic.

9:59 Oh boy! Drama next week!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS:


We never got to know our resident Elle Woods. Like, I don't know what else we can say about her. Like, it totally sucks that we don't get to see more of Jen's cooking! Then again, if it's more of the same as her green beans, maybe, like, it's not such a bad thing. Let's assume the best and wish her a totally rad future.

It's A-Comin'...

Yep, Food Network is inflicting upon bringing us yet another Next Food Network Star. And yes, I will be live blogging it! Oh, what nuttiness shall ensue this summer? Who knows? Since Season 4 runner-up Adam Gertler is armchair judging, it should be even, ahem, odder than ever. And there's even a local boy - well sort of. In the sense of "local" being the Baltimore-Washington corridor (generally, York, PA to Northern Virginia), he's local. Teddy Folkman hails from Alexandria, and is executive chef of Washington's Granville Moore's Gastropub. So he's semi-local.

But wait! What about the obnoxiousness that will be Top Chef: Masters? Well, since I've downgraded my satellite package, I lost Bravo. So no Top Chef, unfortunately. But I will be following the recaps over at All Top Chef, Kathy's (Minx Eats') relatively new Top Chef blog featuring several contributors, including Kit from Mango & Ginger. The most I can do is follow theirs, and occasionally catch it with charitable family and friends who still have Bravo.

The wholesome, organic nutty goofy goodne, er, weirdness begins tomorrow night (Sunday), June 7 at 9PM.