Sunday, July 19, 2009

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Wood Fire Grill Challenge - in Haiku

I haven't bothered to sit down and watch The Next Food Network Star 5 for about two weeks. It seems that this is my viewing pattern these days: watch every other episode, because there's something else going on. Next week will be the same: I will likely be away from the computer when the next episode is on. And it doesn't really bother me. Frankly, I am losing interest in this show. Wouldn't you if you were sightseeing far from home? Especially with faked-up duke-outs like the ones we see on this show?

And yet, here I am doing another live-blog. Ritualism makes me do it, I guess. And I have a special beer picked out for tonight. Since organic stuff seems to be all over the airwaves lately, Oxford Organic Raspberry Wheat Beer from Clipper City's line of Oxford Ales caught my attention this weekend at the Wine Source. It should get me through the next episode or two at least. Even more difficult since they got rid of all the fey fun that was... Michael.

Alas, poor Michael, we knew him well, Tuschie...

Because this show is tiring me out, I am going to make things more interesting for me by doing the blow-by-blows in haiku format. I haven't done it in a while and I'm feeling creative.

Wow. Look what I missed:
Debbie last week went and trans-
formed into Teddy!

Here's the Final Four,
Meeting with Mikey Symon.
Glare off head blinds me.

Oooh, they're on TV:
South Florida
They'll MAKE 'em fuck up >:)

Really - is THIS skill
something they'll need at Food Net?
Or just in live shows?

Debbie: THIS IS NO

Meliss': OMG!
I'm not Korean! Olives?
What!? You hate olives!?

No, I work alone!
Um, please don't, um, add stuff, sir.
Um, no, stop, er, umm....

Ah, they realize
It is just a joke - but just
AFTER they are filmed.

What will they do with
Jeffrey now? Poor boy - don't look
up, cuz there's a BOOM!

I would have paid good
money to see them do this
to Ted or Mikey.

Why does Jeff, while he
holds that mike remind myself
of Corny Collins?

Jamika's herb-roast-
ed chicken breast, with camera.
Here's your big moment!

Hey, I should write more
posts in haiku format! This
makes it bearable.

I bet Melissa
failed this challenge. Or Jeffrey?
They all had issues.

My mistake: It is
Melissa that transformed her-
self into Teddy.

And Debbie wins the
mini-challenge sans saying
that she's Korean.

Symon's back, with grills,
and a massive food set-up.
with Michael LeDoux.

Today's challenge: make
dish for Red Lobster menu
with just wood-fired grill.

DRINK: the look on Jeff's
face is priceless. Oh, and Deb
is Korean: DRINK!

Wait: they're being stopped!?
They look puzzled. Jeff's issue:
No chilis, dude. NO!!!

It looks like they plan
to blandify, er, change ev'-
ryone's ingred'yents.

She's never made fish
without citrus? She would not
survive in Bawlmer.

And Deb's Asian food
is confiscated; now, has

Again: DRINK once for
everyone's frustrated looks,
and "Kimchee" comment

They are panicking.
It makes sense to push Jeff's and
Debbie's boundaries.

Anchovy: salty,
with honey - interesting!
I am quite intrigued...

Do people who eat
at Red Lobster even eat
habaneros? Hmmm?

I agree w/ Flay:
In fact, I don't think she's used
"hab" chilis before.

And Jamika's pissed.
They took her pineapple. She's
not sure where she goes.

Deb can make story
out of anything, and link
it to Korea.

Not a lot of drink-
worthy moments tonight. So
make some of your own!

Jamika: I am
hot and pissed. I bet they are!
Melissa: shut up!

Debbie's dish: capers?
No, I have olives! Wait - she
had to use capers?

Deb's tilapia
is, however, cooked perfect.
A plus for Ms. Lee.

For Melissa: her
habaneros do not kill.
Wow, M: they're impressed!

Jeffrey's: a force-fit?
His wasabi-rub has worked.
Lots of great flavors.

Jamika: quite good,
but they seem to find the most
fault with her dish. Ouch!

Jamika is bummed.
Jeff feels good, but "just don't know."
Jamika cried: DRINK!

You know, this caper
thing is just the thing that these
yutzes nitpick on.

If I had to pick,
I would say that they will send
poor Jamika home.

Dude, I don't like to
think of Rachael Ray. But what's
Jeff's "EVOO?"

Ouch moment for Jeff:
"Cook without borders," sure, but
why always Southwest?

Jeff: predictable,
and vanilla. Speak of which:
Jamika's was dull.

Jamika: focused,
stressed and joy-free this evening.
Man, she was just pissed!

Melissa: did a
one-eighty from SFL.
At peace with chilis.

Interesting: she
talked about being mom with
no mention of kids.

Debbie: no Asian.
Guys, she used the damn olives.
Why are you bugging?

Debbie makes too much
in the way of excuses?
She cries, and I DRINK.

We are out of time?
Oh good, then Tusch and Suzie
can leave my TV!

Down to the finish:
I stick with my prediction:
Jamika is toast.

Jeff Corwin show: I've
not seen it yet. It's on food

First up: the winner?
Jeff's dish will be nestled in
with Red Lobster's crap.

Deb's Korean, and
Southern - DRINK TWICE! Jamika:
She's not drinkworthy.

Tusch bemoans how tough
their decision is tonight.
So they must nitpick.

Symon: Jamika
is star-worthy, but can she
really get the job?

Debbie's been coasting.
She aced her demo this week.
Is she bringin' it?

Cut right to the chase:
Jamika is jerked away
from the show tonight.

One thing you have to
say about Jamika: she
really took that well.

What the hell kind of
silly gimmick is this, Duff?
Kate and octs? Good God.


Jamika leaves us,
was quite gracious about it.
Just three more to go...


theminx said...

Yay - haiku!

My fave:
Down to the finish:
I stick with my prediction:
Jamika is toast.

Indeed she was.

loretta said...

Melissa is my favorite to win. I was sad to see Michael go, I really think Debbie should have been cut in that episode. I think the judges were thinking ahead to the next challenge, the live TV sabotage challenge... Michael may have had a panic attack between the cameras and the things going wrong.

Debbie, did you know she's Korean? While cutting Jamika this week made sense, I still liked her better than Debbie.