Sunday, July 05, 2009

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Something about Rachael Ray...

Well, I got a little away from the Food Network action with my trip last week, but I'm back! And I'm curious to test my "Katie is safe no matter how bad she fucks up" hypothesis. Probably wrong but we'll see. Even though Teddy is no longer of this show, he's still got a prominent place in the drinking game rules, in case they decide to bring him back for any reason.

Tonight's beer of choice: a Rising Moon, from the Blue Moon Brewing Company. Because it's "Yum-o."

Yes I feel so ashamed for having said that.

9:00 I admit: I will miss that cute little bummed out face that Teddy always sports when he's, you know, bummed out.

9:01 I have to admit: this is the most photogenic group of cheftestants they've ever had. And that's despite Michael! (Or because of?)

9:02 Their midterm? More like a practicum-slash-internship.

9:02 And the devil herself pops up on the TV! Did she just say "In honor of "Yum-o'?

And I have just lost all respect for Debbie.

The challenge: take adult ingredients and make them kid-friendly. Don't even go there with that.

9:04 Katie thinks this challenge is made for her. But she makes crap! And now she's making it for kids!

9:05 Smart thinking, Jamika: hide the tofu altogether!

9:06 Michael: because he's a big fat gay kid. C'mon, you know he'd agree.

You just knew Darth Rachael would come out with those little kid judges. Those kids do not look engaged.

New drinking game: drink ONCE for every time:

  • every time someone says "Yum-o"
  • every time Debbie reminds us that she's either Korean or Southern (if both in one breath, drink TWICE)
9:07 Those potatoes might actually taste good. I'm still surprised that the kids liked Katie's quinoa quap. I'd eat that stuff that Melissa is making. But I like Brussel sprouts.

9:08 Oh, I would have paid to see Teddy get all "Teddy-like" in front of these kids. That would have been funny!!!

Michael has a good knack for finishing early. Take that any way you want.

9:09 And Jeff charms again. Why do I picture Jeff surfing?

9:10 Okay, I admit it's a good idea to be cutesy and silly around kids. Jamika, however, spends all her time being cutesy.

9:11 Why do I get the feeling that Katie is sticking around for another week?

9:12 Yikes! Jamika is worried. She had trouble cooking and talking at the same time. Mastered that bubble gum thing.

OMG, the depths of hell? Well, we are talking Rachael Ray here...

9:16 Now Katie mentions that Debbie is from the South (what part of the South is WeHo in again!?).

These guys have to work in pairs. The funniest part? Katie and Debbie are together - the "Southern-Korean fusion" person and the "dietitian-y bland-as-cardboard" person. FUNNY!!

9:18 The J's are not jivin'

Homest to God, I'd much rather eat what Debbie wants to make than what Katie does.

9:19 Katie, fry that chicken for God sake!

9:20 Jeff. Jamika. Still not jivin'.

DRINK for Debbie's remark. The way she said "Yeah, that's great" to Jeff and Jamika's dishes? Again, FUNNY!!!

Jamika. Feelin' sorry for herself. Makin' copies.

9:27 Oops, did I forget to DRINK for Rachael? DRINK!

All them ideas have gotta hurt.

Why did Rach not sound all that enthused?

9:28 DRINK for Melissa's kids reference. Do we have this season's Aaron McCargo? The camera scares him.

9:29 GASP! She's out-intensing Rach! Hell, she's out-intensing Emeril! TEDDY!

9:30 How Michael Got Her Groove Back... Or, not. The M's were, hmmmm...

9:31 And now it's time for polar opposites day on The Rachael Ray Show! Coming up: healthy, blandified Korean/Southern food.

Oh, you're Korean? DRINK.

DRINK about five times for Katie's dietitian mojo comin' on.

9:31 Every whole grain pasta I have ever eaten has tasted like packing material. Y'all gotta really - and I mean really - convince me here.

Tuschie: "I was impressed with Debbie, she's so natural." Where's the compliment for Katie.

Katie's chicken" "Soooooo dryyyyy" (Lisa). DRINK TWICE!

9:35 My favorite drive-in experience:

9:36 Jeff and Jamika: bring it, pork n' beans style.

9:37 I wish they had talked about this before. Why is Jamika frozen? Jeff, give her some rope, dude.

9:38 Earth to Jamika, come in Jamika...

I think Tuschie needs a drink.

9:39 No, Jeff, she was not awesome. Why didn't you shut up for a sec?

9:40 Tuschie made a face - DRINK TWICE!

9:41 So it looks like the judges are disappointed in Jeff, Jamika and Michael. The ones who really shone: Debbie and - this is a big shock - Katie.

9:43 I admit: A1's Meat Loaf ad is pretty funny. Cheap, but funny.

9:44 I've been surprised before, but I think Jamika is going home tonight.

9:45 Katie had her head down for a while, but you know, that's something you learn.

Why does Katie still manage to look surprised whenever the judges say that her food sucks?

9:46 Wait: isn't Debbie Korean?

9:47 Debbie sheds a tear, but she's not really "crying" so no drink.

Jeezy peezy, Melissa will cry at the drop of a hat! Kind of like my mother.

9:48 El Flay-o: Alright, Jersey boy to Jersey boy, what's up, brother?

9:49 Should I start drinking every time Michael makes up a goofy word?

9:50 I see. Teddy passed the "OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!" torch to Jeff.

9:51 It's all agreed: this wasn't Jamika's finest hour.

9:54 So, I wonder if the SciFi Channel's Torchwood rip-off will be any good?

9:55 Not actually sure if anyone will win, but I still think Jamika is doomed.

Ooooh, there wasn't a winner this week! But Debbie, Melissa and Jeff are safe.

Katie's still in the bottom - again. And she's crying. CHUG 'em if ya' got 'em.

9:57 That's a coop-out, Leese. Last season's winner was afraid of the camera, too. Remember what happened to him? He has a show on the Food Network now.

Hmmm, maybe it'll be Katie after all?

9:58 And Michael is safe!

And Katie goes home! Conspiracy theory unconfirmed!

9:59 Our fave Fab Fiver is back! And why is Melissa moaning about not getting any help? If she's going to get testy when people complain about helping her, then don't complain when they don't, dude!


Maybe it's coincidence, but I just realized that every time I post a cheftestant's photo, he or she gets eliminated the following Sunday. Happened to Teddy, and it just happened to Katie, who's luck has just run out. I actually am a little surprised, because I really thought the judges were never going to get rid of her. But her food just got too dietitian-y one too many times. Now go eat some tofu, Katie.

One note: I will be in New York City this time next week (scored a one-way ticket on the BoltBus that only cost a buck, man! And $10 the other way). I will be a bit busy, so again I won't be live-blogging. Beats the hell out of me who is going home.


theminx said...

Can you post a photo of Melissa next? :)

John said...

Heheheh :D