Sunday, June 14, 2009

Next Food Network Star 5 Live-Blogging: Holidays with Giada

It just dawned on me that I never bothered to establish drinking game rules for TNFNS5. Just to reiterate what we did last week, plus some additions:

Drink ONCE:

  • If someone says or does something stupid
  • If someone talks wistfully about "their kids/spouse/parents/partner/dog, cat or goldfish"
  • For every Food Network celebrity that pops up (just once per hour for each cheflebrity)
  • Any of the guests (but not the judges or Food Network personalities) makes a face because of something food related
  • Whenever any of the competitors is seen in a state of half-dress (shirtless men / bra-clad women)
  • Whenever Teddy acts "Teddy-like" (SUPERENERGETICOBOYOBOYOBOY!!! I do like Teddy, but this is just too obvious a rule to ignore)
Drink TWICE if:
  • Any team spends too much for their food.
  • Any of the judges or Food Network cheflebrities makes a face because of something food related
Drink THRICE (?) if:
  • Any of these yokels hooks up.
  • If anyone - ANYONE - cries, for ANY reason.
Tonight's drink of choice: Pyramid Breweries' Hefeweizen, which was the lightest brew in my fridge. I was going to do Clipper City's MarzHon in the spirit of HonFest, since I'm feeling all "Bawlamoronic" from seeing all the sprays of hons around Hampden, but I drank it all. Eeeuuuups, hon!

9:00 "It will be brought"? I missed that last week.

9:02 Oooh, Ryan D'Agostino of
Esquire gets to judge the competitors' print-worthiness. Michael's wit is welcome.

9:03 For this challenge, they have to combine some type of beef or chicken with something unusual, such as maple syrup, pistachios or cereal.

Melissa: So you mean that women do not like meat? Not the women I know!

9:04 Jeff looks East for guidance.

Good God, so Esquire is for men. Where does this say "Women not allowed to eat this?" Jamika, make something you would eat, for Chrissakes.

9:05 Hmmm. I guess Melissa really doesn't do meat. Um, is she sure she's from Texas?

9:06 Now the obligatory "One minute of wigging it live on TV" bit. Eddie's sophisticated beer thing and his Brussel sprout hash? Not bad.

9:07 Melissa: I kept it family friendly. Heck, even a li'l ol' woman could eat it! DRINK!

Jamika brain freezes. Sounds like a haiku:

Whiskey, molasses,
Um, maple, molasses, um,
Whiskey, delicious...

9:08 Damn, Jeff, tres Middle Eastern indeed!

9:09 The robust personality fo Teddy! I love his reactions to his goof ups. He's possessed by Guy Fieri and Emeril.

9:09 Big headed much, Brett? THAT'S where Teddy's misplaced enthusiasm landed.

9:10 Oooh, Bobby, I'll utilize that pickle in a more innovative way.

Get a load of the look on Esquire guy's face at Michael's creation - with cawfee! Did he write Jamika's presentation?

9:11 Debbie's quick and easy BBQ. Hey, a (wo)man, a can, a plan!

Kate tackles this with all the gusto of a dietitian! She's Super Dietitian! Featuring undercooked lamb and couscous with cereal.

9:13 Hot dang, Eddie wins the challenge! Good comeback from whatever the hell he made last week.

9:16 Flavortown?

9:17 It's, erm, some kind of holiday, with the ever-glowing Giada De Laurentiis (DRINK)! We switch gears from Esquire to Good Housekeeping, and our cheftestants have to represent the holidays in their dishes. Apparently, each has to do a different holiday.

9:18 I could see Katie doing Earth Day.

9:19 It seems like most people are happy with their selections. Who the hell thought to include "Groundhog Day"?

9:20 Somehow I think Katie is missing the point of Earth Day. It's not about eating healthy. It's about helping the environment. Um, shouldn't she be developing a dish that reflects a desire to save the Earth?

I like Jeff's take on Groundhog Day - make something springlike!

9:21 Teddy is a cutie but Good Lord is the man intense! Ted, you better not mess up that crab cake! You are representin' the Chesapeake Bay, man, don't let us down!

9:23 No gratuitous references to Melissa's family so far. No drink. But Debbie admits it was dumb to burn the rice - but at least she didn't serve it! Say, does this promise to be a peculiarly alcohol-free drinking game?

9:27 Bide thy thyme, folks! (I've been waiting years to use that one.)

9:28 New drinking game rule: DRINK ONCE whenever Teddy acts "Teddy-like" (that is, SUPERENERGETICOBOYOBOYOBOY!!!)

9:28 And now the presentations:

Melissa (Mother's Day): I missed it. Did she talk about her kids? Aw hell, DRINK anyway. The judges feel she has redeemed herself!

Jeff (Groundhog Day): Because Groundhog Day reminds me of Spring, which reminds me of Mexico (?!?!?) At least he admits it. Charming, tasty, but totally missed the assignment. DRINK!

Jamika (New Year's Day): I like Jamika's discussion of family (DRINK) and Southern New Year's traditions. To my buddy Jim: For 1/1/2010, make that food SPICY! Tasty, charming.

Kate (Earth Day): Um, I would've just given them granola.

Seriously though, shrimp and white beans leads to health leads to gratuitous family allusion (DRINK). Kate's food is boring and, well, "dietitian-y."

9:32 Brett, don't leave! They'll probably kick off Kate anyway!

9:36 Teddy (Labor Day): Just start DRINKING now. Surf and turf, good crab cake. That act-y thing! THAT'S the word I was looking for! "Art-y!"

9:37 Brett (April Fool's Day): He's leaving? Nope. It's April Fools. Oh, I HATE those people who made the commercial for this week. Wacky, but not exactly April Fool's eatin'.

9:38 Debbie (Mardi Gras):Okay Deb, you're from WeHo. What part of the South is WeHo in? Why haven't we found out what state she's originally from? Food wise, they seem to like her meal.

9:40 Michael (Halloween): Definitely not a Southerner. His link to Mexico was more believable than Jeff's. Plays up the gay thing well without making fun of it! Good meal, too.

9:41 Eddie (Valentine's Day): What the hell are you talking about, Eddie? DRINK!

Women have different dietary enjoyments? (Hence the DRINK)

Oh Good Grief, that is you? Dude, no. Um, no. And it's not very good. Just tastes like roses.

9:47 I think either Brett Eddie or Katie is going home. If I had to bet I'd choose..... Brett Eddie. (NB: I originally typed "Brett" but meant "Eddie," not foreseeing the events that would transpire at the end of this episode.)

9:48 Um, Katie, you also forgot that Earth Day is about saving the planet, not healthy eating.

She's crying - CHUG EM IF YOU GOT EM!

9:49 Note: Not every gay man dyes his hair to match the color of the room. Hellooooo...

9:50 For a minute, I thought Eddie was genuinely surprised that women do, in fact, like eating the same things that men eat. The judges might keep him just out of sympathy.

Okay, don't drink again - that was just a flashback.

Is Brett in over his head? Does he really want this?

Is Melissa in over her head? Does she really want this?

9:51 Whoa, Brett: what the hell is this ambush? I like Teddy more now that he's refusing to throw anyone under any bus.

Melissa tears up, but DRINK is optional: Brett was being an ass. Okay never mind, not optional - CHUG!

9:54 I now think it will be Katie who's going home. Eddie is just so sappy and sad, I think they might feel sorry for him after putting foot into mouth like that. But he's still not out of the woods! So that's my assessment: Katie, if not then Eddie.

9:56 Woo hoo, Jamika wins this week, with Deb and Melissa in tow - our talented Southern ladies. Also kudos to Jeff, Mike and Ted.

Hey, I didn't think Teddy implied anything! That was all on Brett.

9:57 Eddie is insincere, Brett is likable but "just not what we're looking for," Katie is all health and no fun.

I still think it's Katie.

9:58 Oooh, and I'm wrong. Then it's DEFINITELY Eddie.

9:59 Whoa, I am totally wrong AGAIN! I didn't see Brett going home at all. But he's just not right for the network, as far as they are concerned. I think it was the wrong decision: the other two were clearly worse.

9:59 And next week we hae Ina!


I really did not see this coming, and I still don't quite understand it. They got rid of him mostly because they don't see him as a Food Network personality. And yet, they go all out and say he is charming and all that. But I also really didn't expect his throwing Melissa under the bus (and I'm still not quite sure why she feels that Teddy threw her under, too). This wasn't the best decision. I can understand why he was in the bottom three, but not why he went home.


theminx said...

LOVE your haiku!

John said...

Hee hee. And it almost did sound like what she said, too :)