Top Chef 4 Live Blogging: The Big Finale!

Yes, folks, we have come to the end of this live blogging venture. I reiterate: this live blogging venture (there's still the Next Food Network Chef 4, Sundays at 10). I asked a few days ago who y'all thought may win tonight. Here are the results of the poll I put up (closing halfway through the program tonight at 10:30):


Stephanie has a majority of votes. Again, this is who we think will win, not who we want to win. All the same, probably a lot of us want Steph to take the prize.

I think (and hope) it'll be Steph. I won't be disappointed if Rich wins, though I really think this is the season where a woman will take the title. Just not this woman:

photo courtesy of Minx Eats

Class. Lisa just oozes class. A few bloggers - curse y'all! - have said that they think Lisa will somehow win, and that her being in the finale is proof that the whole thing is rigged. And yes, Leese has become the favorite punching bag of anyone blogging about TC4. But in her defense, um,... er, um. Never mind. Steph or Rich.

For tonight's drink of choice, I have decided to go local. So any dumbass thing anyone says or does tonight will lead to a nice sip of Wild Goose India Pale Ale, one of several brews made by the Wild Goose Brewery out in Frederick. I bought it sight unseen (go to a place that lets you buy them individually, which isn't everywhere). It's an okay brew. That reminds me: I need to get out to Frederick at some point.

9:59 Still can't get over Lisa's whining. What - if she had gotten kicked out, did she think they'd pants her or something?

10:00 Kind of like a loooooong "Circle Back" like the Food Network does during every ep of TNFNS4. Just get the damn show over with!

10:02 Steph" "So are you guys excited?" Yay. Very excited. Drink.

10:03 The "stating the obvious award" goes to Rich: yes, we know you think she shouldn't be here. So does the rest of America.

10:04 So Padma and Tom, who stands beside you guys? April Bloomfield (Spotted Pig). Dan Barber (Blue Hill) and Eric Ripert (Le Bernardin), their honorary sous chefs! (Cool!)

The task: make a four-course meal for a black-tie dinner, including a dessert.

10:06 Steph gets to pick her sous chef first! (Ripert), Rich (Barber) and Lisa (Bloomfield) follow suit.

Lisa's going Vietnamese for her final dinner. Brit Chef Bloomfield isn't used to Vietnamese at all.

10:07 Rich is going for a "tableau of my journey as a chef", and loves having Chef Barber. The feeling doesn't seem mutual, as Rich is, shall we say, not totally decided on what he wants..

Steph's concept? Show off her styles and flavor combos. Ripert is impressed.

10:08 Exciting scenes of food prep. Yup. This'll draw 'em in.

10:09 Oh dude! Rich had a special request: liquid nitrogen. Wicked! (Kudos if you got that classic Doctor Who reference.)

10:10 At least Lisa's getting along with her sous chef.

10:11 If you didn't want tomorrow's service to be a mess, Blais, you shouldn't have made today's prep be such a mess.

10:12 Coming up: Tom puts on a tutu and blows their minds!

10:15 Which beautiful, smart, funny redhead, Kathy? Oh I know: Tiff from TC1!

10:16 Oooh, how are the producers going to screw them today? By taking away the sous chefs of course. Just for being assholes: DRINK!

10:17 What Lisa doesn't tell us is that she had fun with Chef Bloomfield by spotting a pig! Get it? Spotted Pig? Funny? No, you're right. It's not.

10:18 Rich, my man: it's ALL about the liquid nitro.

Wait did he say BACON ICE CREAM!? Ick. DRINK!

10:19 Again: why do these people on this show every fucking season downplay the pastry? They know they have to do it. Practice. people!

I stand corrected: Steph DID practice beforehand: a ricotta cake (yum)!

I bet Rich's head explodes by 10:42.

10:20 On the plus side, Tom says the menus all sound great.

On the minus side: Rich did indeed say "bacon ice cream". DRINK!

10:21 I didn't expect Lisa to be giving Steph a pep talk.

10:22 Way to flash it up, Padma!

Ah, the sous chefs have zhuzh'd themselves up for the big dinner.

10:24 Food haiku time:

Half way through the show
Judges wait in gorgeous room.
I bet Steph takes it.

10:26 Yeah right. Spa treatment. That'll make her "not pissed" at you.

10:27 Oh now I get it: they took the sous chefs away so they could eat!

So aside from Gail and Ted and Tom and Padma and the sous chefs, we also have Puerto Rican chef Alfredo Ayala and book publisher Tim Zagat, who wins the show's product placement award.

10:29 Course 1:

Rich: scallop with mango and pineapple vinegar - overheard: unfamiliar

Lisa: prawn with chili basil sauce - nice spice, too strong

Steph: seared red snapper with truffle and asparagus - best of the three, elegant.

Way to go Steph!

10:31 Course 2

Rich: guinea hen, chicken egg, foie gras and spring veggies - fresh, perfectly cooked

Lisa: tom kha hai with dumpling - satisfying, you wanna eat more of it, happy for seconds

Steph: seared quail breast over lobster ravioli - more lobster essence in the sauce, quail is perfectly cooked.

What is undercooked? I missed that.

10:33 Course 3

Rich: pickled radish, mirin broth and pork belly - pressure cooked, not as crispy, underseasoned

Lisa: wagu beef with chayote - cuke salad - sauce is so sweet, beef is not tender, cuke and chayote salad is nice

Steph: lamb medallions with maitake mushrooms, olive, pistachio and blackberry - crash and burn I thought but NOOOOOOO!, Ripert: "I love!"

Take home: Rich needs work, Lisa's is pedestrian, Steph surprises!

10:35 Dessert course

Lisa: black thai rice pudding with lime and mango creme - works

Rich: banana scalloop bacon ice cream - it actually works!

Steph: ricotta pundcake with fruit and banana creme - nothing special

10:36 Phew!

10:38 Final result of my poll: With 16 votes counted, Steph has the most with 8, but Rich now comes in a close second with 7. Lisa is at the back end with 1.

10:42 And here we are at Judges' Table. Rich thinks his culinary journey went okay. Everyone thought his first course was underseasoned.

Lisa's first course was assertive and hoooooooooot.

Steph: beautifully presented first course, dude! Lisa gets attitudinal again (c'mon, you know you'll miss it).

10:44 I've never seen tom kha kai on this show before. They're not the only ones who love it.

Oh, Steph's leeks - THAT'S what was undercooked!

10:45 Braised pistachio excited Ted.

10:46 And then we get to that nasty ice cream. How the hell did bacon ice cream, with bananas and scallops no less, win them over!?!?

Oh my God, I really am getting the vibe that Lisa is going to win.

10:47 Last words?

Steph: typical chicken soup for the soul shit.

Lisa: typical bravado

Rich: the whole dramatic thing they've been building up to all week? "Yeah, I'll admit it - I choked."

All that drama for that? Figures. For being taken: DRINK!

10:48 What's worse for Rich: they agree - he choked. We are definitely having a woman Top Chef.

10:49 Play by play? Oh hell, my fingers hurt. Run down: they liked everybody's, but Rich overthought his stuff, while Lisa and Steph turned in some fascinating stuff.

10:50 Zoning - Just thought of TNFNC4's Lisa's Three C's. DRINK!

10:51 Whose was the best meal? Based on the preference tonight? They're discussing into the wee hours of the morning here. Dang.

The consensus among the chefs at least - okay, among Lisa - is that Steph nailed the odd numbered courses, and Lisa nailed the even numbered ones.

10:55 Okay, that ad made me never want to buy a Verizon cell phone.

10:56 NOOOOOOOO!

10:57 Whoa. America really doesn't want Lisa to win.

I think it'll be Steph, with Lisa then Rich as runners-up. In that order.

10:58 And the winner is...

Stephanie!

Rich looks disappointed, Lisa does not look pissed. Mournful comments abound.

10:59 Rich: "It's a disappointment to almost be there." Yeah, but at least you got to the finale. Hell, he's still going to go far here!

TC4 WRAP UP - So as so many predicted, Stephanie Izard is the first woman to claim the mantle of Top Chef. A fascinating episode. Not dry at all I don't think, though it did get a little serious and long in the tooth in some places. I'd say I'm satisfied with the ending. I was wrong about Lisa and Rich - he really choked, while the judges were (dang!) very pleased with Lisa's selections. But in the end, Stephanie pulled it out, ricotta poundcake be damned. Thoughts? While you ponder, I'm off to the next live blog: The Next Food Network Star on Sunday at 10!

Further proof that Lisa does not belong in the finale of Top Chef

Just some observations:

1. Even political bloggers are bitching about it. The Atlantic's Matthew Yglesias thinks it's a producer-driven conspiracy. And that seems to make sense to me - Rich, Steph and Antonia in the top three? Just look for an hour of good feelings among the three contestants. Not good TV. But throw Lisa in there instead? Great TV!
   
2. One commenter on said Atlantic blog links to an article in the New York Daily News where Lisa says, and I quote (italics mine):

"...I don't read the blogs – you couldn't pay me to read the blogs. I don't want to know what people who can't even afford to eat in my restaurant, let alone know how to cook have to say about me, and the few comments I did read on Eater.com a few weeks back because my job asked me to read 'em. The best they could come up with was that I was ugly."

3. People pay for her food?
4. Calling her ugly is mean and uncalled for, and I dare say sexist, or at least juvenile. But since she's an asshole and acts like one, that's what she should be called out on.
5. When all's said and done, she's still not as bad as Spike.

Top Chef 4 Live-Blogging: Puerto Rico

Here it is, the penultimate episode of TC4. That is, if Bravo decides not to air one of those gratuitous reunion specials. If they do, then I am certainly not doing this next week. Why? Despite the possibility, it's actually pretty unlikely that anyone in this bunch would kill any of the others. Not even slug 'em for that matter. That will happen off-stage. But I'm getting ahead of myself. This week our fab four high-tail it to sunny Puerto Rico. Will we see any comida boricua this week? Probably not.

Today's beer of choice: He'Brew (the "Chosen Beer"). I've been eying this Saratoga Springs, NY, brand of beer for a while but just never got around to it. There were several varieties at Wells Liquors. The one I got is He'Brew Origin, a pomegranate ale - "imperial amber ale brewed with luscious pomegranate juice". And of course, kosher certified.


I could quickly tire of live-blogging this show and The Next Food Network Star (Sundays at 10). At least TC4 is ending soon!

Note: Since it's off-and-on violently storming outside, there's a chance I'll lose my satellite signal and/or power. So if I get stuck somewhere around 10:27 or so, I haven't lost interest. It's just the weather.

10:00 That opening shot reminded me how much I love meat!

10:01 Ah, beautiful San Juan. Cue the Menudo.

10:02 Rich: "Not too many people expect Lisa to be here, that's for sure." That's for sure indeed.

10:03 Everyone looks calmer. Of course! For a sec at least...

And Padma introduces puertorriqueño chef Wilo Benet. The quickfire: make Wilo and Padma some frituras, using plantain (so I was wrong - they ARE going to make Puerto Rican cuisine).

10:05 Leese heads for the protein in the kitchen, the others pounce on 'em plantains. And AH, Lisa's been practicing.

10:06 Steph breaks out tuna and pork/shrimp tostones, while Antonia has a plantain jam to accompany the oyster fritters. I missed the rest.

Lisa has a chorizo and plantain fritter and a duck tostone. So far I have seen no displeasure in the judges' faces.

Rich has meatballs and plantain chips with ripe plantain salsa. Everything seems peachy, er, plantainy.

10:09 Ooooh, Antonia's tostones fell flat, and Rich's raw ripe plantain tasted raw. Well duh, they were raw. He's most pleased with Steph and Lisa.

Ooooh, look at the look of dejection on Rich's face.

10:10 And Steph is the winner. I think I would've drunk the whole bottle of beer had Lisa won.

10:11 And right to the fiesta boricua in Old San Juan, complete with spit-roasted pig, rum and Padma trading in her Bollywood know-how for takes part in some fun Puerto Rican dancing. (ADDENDUM: I had incorrectly heard somewhere that Padma's career detoured for a short time into Bollywood. My mistake.)

And then it all gets serious (cue the dramatic music). The contestants all get sullen and talk about the stress. Yeah well, at least you're there.

That was actually the only really funny thing that's happened so far. **SIGH** I thought this ep would be a little more interesting. At least I now know to look for some tasty frituras at the next LatinoFest (June 20 and 21st at Patterson Park, the same week as Baltimore's LGBT Pride Festival.

10:16 Padma pops back up with Tom this time at La Fortaleza, National Historic Site and the residence of the governor of Puerto Rico.

Oh YES! They are using whole pig!!! THE WHOLE F*CKING PIG!

10:17 We knew we'd see the last four eliminees pop up today, didn't we? Dale, Anthony, Spike and Nikki are back, and as winner of the quickfire, Steph gets to assign sous chefs. She wants to choose people that will get along together. I guess she wasn't paying attention when Lisa voiced over her distaste of Anthony. God, she didn't hear it?

YES! They are BUTCHERING the actual PIG! I am loving this...

10:18 Spike is paired with Richard for the very first (and last) time.

10:19 So Lisa and Anthony are veering away from Asian for Latin food, a thing Rich specifically wants to avoid - "It's their game" and he thinks he'd suck at it, so no frituras from Rich.

10:20 Ay, pobrecito Anthony. El no puedo comunicar con los vendedores porque él no habla el idioma.

10:21 Porky, no! Not kosher for poor Lisa, who is Jewish. Somehow I don't think this matters to her.

Why does this remind me of Motel Hell?

10:22 Rich phones Spike to bring back some maltas, plus tons of mangoes and stuff. The third really funny thing to happen tonight.

10:23 The "Tell me something I don't know" award goes to Anthony: "Lisa has a really strong personality."

10:24 And they hug. Awww.. Uh-oh. Somebody left something big and porky sitting out. I think it was Stephanie's.

10:25 Stephanie is throwing out pork that's been sitting out in a hot, humid kitchen all night? You're kidding me! Apparently Dale did this. But it was an accident so he's ready to butcher and cook himself instead.

For leaving pork belly out all night: DRINK!

10:26 I'm not even catching what the chefs have planned. It's just a-whirrin' by. Ooooh, I wonder if Lisa is making rice, too...

10:28 Steph and Dale are now using chicharrones, one of the very few things I cannot stand to eat. I've had bad experiences with reconstituted pork skin soft tacos before. It wasn't pretty.

10:30 Oh, I didn't realize Step It Up and Dance was ending tomorrow. Hell, Bravo sure as hell timed all these finales poorly, no? At least stagger 'em a little.

10:33 Three minute commercial break - shorter than usual for Bravo. What gives?

Lisa: "I don't wanna come all the way to Puerto Rico just to be sent home." - But why not? It's Puerto Rico! Hell enjoy it!

And the chefs are serving a group of celebs including... (Oops, trailed off there. Still lost it.)

10:35 The dishes:

Steph: Pork satay on sugarcane skewers with miso almond sauce with coconut braised pork and plantain pancake, and tropical fruit-chicharrón salad. Judges seem to be happy so far.

Rich: :local pork and beans" with picked watermelon rind, pork ribs with malta and soy glaze, and barbceued pork shoulder with mango. Rich seems happy, but I didn't catch the judges.

10:37 Lisa offers a citrus pork belly with adobe roasted pork, yuca-pork rellena and a mojo (garlic dipping sauce).

And Antonia, what have we got here? Pickled sweet pepper and honey pork belly, corried pork with pumpkin and yuca and habanero pigeon peas with hamhock and pork sausage. The judges have their poker faces on. No idea how they feel.

10:39 The partygoers seem pleased. Antonia's pleased despite the spiciness, ad Rich's malta glaze pleased one long time local.

Thank God - no reunion show! The finale is indeed next week.

10:41 Watch out for that tequila. A few shots in and you have no idea you're drunk. Then after about shot #5 or so you are floored. Once it took me 7 1/2 shots before I stumbled back to a cab that took me home. At least I think it was home. Anyway...

10:43 Judges' Table - let's see what they really think!

Wilo: tremendous all around. Maybe this will be difficult.

Lisa and Antonia: a few things were weak. But this isn't Week 1 weak. This is "Penultimate Episode" weak. Their weak is probably better than most people's fabulous.

10:44 Looks like Steph and Rich are indeed going on to the finale. Any bets on which person named Lisa gets eliminated?

Rich: Tom thought Rich was "self-editing" and (thankfully) making simpler dishes. Steph's satays made Wilo a very happy man.

10:46 Rich is the winner tonight! For his troubles, he gets a shiny new CAAAAR! Richard, this can all be yours, IF the PRICE IS RIGHT!

Rich is cute when he flop-sweats, no?

10:47 And now it's down to Antonia and Lisa. Remember, ladies, even though you're their least favorites, they were still very pleasing dishes. For once, Lisa's "strong" dishes were actually strong, instead of just "strong" in her head.

To Gail, Lisa's purée was too sweet, and the focus was on the garnishes, not the pig. They question her decision to go Puerto Rican, though Lisa protests (big shock, though she tones down her protestations this time so it isn't all in-yo'-face).

10:48 Antonia says she likes her peas al dente, a problem the judges had with them. I really dislike 'em that way, too. What was their other critique? The dishes were too much alike? Again I missed it.

10:49 Lisa: Elements of each of her dishes that Gail was not happy about. Biggest mistake? The tostone. Wilo thought it was a good idea.

10:50 Lisa, for once you did not do a horrible job. But again, it all comes down to tiny mistakes.

Antonia's are too simplistic. There's nothing wrong with simplistic! But undercooked beans? The judges are not convinced.

10:5IIII WAAAANT YOOOOUR SOOOOUL!"1 DAMN, people, I didn't need Santino Rice screaming in André's face tonight.

While I'm on the subject, here's a funny YouTube flashback: the Project Runway Season 2 Musical!



10:55 I did not vote! But I agree: Lisa should skedaddle.

10:56 Yadda yadda yadda great dishes blah blah blah A-game wha whaaa wha B+.

Antonia: pigeon peas were your downfall...

Lisa: some fell short

And the loser is... I think Lisa, but the loser REALLY is...

10:57 WHOA! Antonia is out! I miscalled that one, didn't I?

10:58 And Lisa is just pissed that they didn't congratulate her. Are we really still in seventh grade?

Final thoughts: Am I the only one shocked to see Lisa in the final three? I mean, come on. I didn't bet anything, but I am sure that money has been bet and lost tonight. Hell, even Bravo's website says they're shocked.

So who will win? Beats the hell out of me. Lisa's cockroach-y ability to stick around makes me think she will win next week. I just have this odd feeling. But no, it'll probably be Steph.

In fact, here's my prediction for next week (photos linked from Bravo TV website):

Top Chef:

Steph (the first female Top Chef)

Runner Up:

Rich (should Steph fail to fill her duties as Top Chef, Rich as runner up must step up to fill that role)

Also Ran:

Lisa (hey, she's been in the bottom eight times so far. How many Top Chefs have been in the bottom that often?)

And I'll be live blogging this next week. Also catch my live blog of The Next Food Network Star, Episode 2 on Sunday at 10 PM. Will the other Lisa get kicked out on her arse? Nipa? Adam? Will Paula Deen finally fry a stick of butter? Will Giada finally scratch Sandra Lee's eyes out? Stay tuned Sunday...

Top Chef 4 Live Blogging: High Steaks

Okay, so I missed Dale getting unceremoniously booted from the island, er, house. I'm still crossing my fingers for certain people to make their grand exit tonight. While I do that, I'll be doing the "Top Chef Drinking Game" with a special Dogfish Head brew, their Aprihop India Pale Ale.

Dagnabbit, Dale's cryin'.

10:00 Wouldn't you want $100,000 of Glad products? Me neither.

10:01 Damnit, how the hell have Lisa and Spike managed to hang on this long? Seriously!

10:02 Today our final five will filet flank! Butcher beef! Massacre meat!

10:04 The challenge: cut individual chops from rib eye, and don't mess it up. It's all really tough and aged, And do it in twenty minutes! Jeez I hope they don't filet themselves. Even Spike.

10:06 So who won the quickfire? Rick Tramonto is Padma's co-judge today.

I love Rich's hair, by the way.

10:08 So there is more to do! They have to cook these chops now, but this time they are only being judged on how close to medium rare it is.

I'm a little disappointed. Not many dumb things being said tonight.

Antonia's butter-based beef. Chest pains!

10:09 They all look good, no? Unless you don't like beef. I can't really tell whose Rick likes the most - or least.

Steph = least successful. Butchered poorly - "almost like a lollipop" (UPDATE: "lollipop"-like is a good thing - this French cut has to make the steak look like a lollipop, with the meat as the candy part and the bare rib as the stick part. To say it's "almost like a lollipop" means it's not good enough. Sorry about that ambiguity.)

Rich = undercooked.

Lisa = "tomahawk chop" is perfect, as is that of...

Spike

Antonia's had a nice crust.

10:10 It's all about showing up the others, ain't it, Spike?

10:11 And lookie here - the elim challenge is to take over Rick's restaurant. Each person has to create an appetizer and an entree. Spike gets first choice. Any bets on what he keeps away from the other contestants?

10:12 So Steph is the top chef according to Spike - or is she the top female chef? I don't know. Spike wants Antonia out. I think he sees her as a threat.

10:15 Especially long beer break:

Gee, um, that's a really nice photo of my TV. I'll just say it's "artsy" and leave it at that.

10:16 Uh oh. The cartoon voice of Dilbert's Alice is back.

10:17 Is he allowed to keep the other steaks from the others? One thing everyone seems to avoid: those nasty frozen scallops. No big deal - they have everything at their disposal in Rick's kitchen. And just three hours. Yikes.

10:19 They're describing their dishes and all I hear is wha wha wh'whaa

10:20 Oh, that's right - Spike chose those nasty frozen scallops! And they're all torn, so he can't sear them as he likes.

10:21 Dammit these people talk too fast! There goes that lucrative court stenography career. At least they all like this challenge.

10:22 Lisa and Rich are worried about Tom's advice. And Tom looks concerned with Spike. So... Antonia and Steph as possible winners tonight?

10:23 Ooooh, the dishes have to be "expedited" (or timed in their delivery). Interesting - Spike is complaining about how he screws himself over. I didn't think he'd realize that.

10:25 Already we have some insight into tonight's mystery judges: the past three winners of Top Chef, Harold (Woohoo!), Ilan (the prick) and Hung (again, didn't watch that season)! Why tell us just before the commercial break? That is sooo not Bravo's style.

10:30 Advice from the winners: be yourself, don't be the fan fave, don't shave anyone's head? Oh, right. Seems DRINKworthy.

10:31 Oh boy! Tasting menus! And nobody was prepared, of course.

Ladies and germs, the appetizers (Cliff note form):

Lisa: Grilled and chilled prawns with tomato salad crostini - needs more sugar but the lemon is great. Why chill the shrimp?

Rick: Hamachi with crispy sweetbreads, and avocado and radish. Hung is happy, Rich is ... what starts with r?

Spike: scallops and hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. Spike likes it, as we hear - so that means we're being set up for lackluster reception from the judges.

Steph: More balls! Sweetbreads, golden raisins and pinenuts. Harold wants toasted pine nuts but that's the only problem. And Hung likes sweetbreads. No comments, please. I do, too - oh, wait.

Antonia: mushroom and artichoke salad, and poached eggs. Perfect eggs but not the most perfect dish. No artichoke "presence"

10:34 And now the entrées:

Rich: Beef filet, potato purée, turnips and pickled brussel sprouts. Ilan don't likey the tenderloin! Wait, how did they like this dish again?

Lisa: NY Strip steak with peanut butter mashed potatoes. Dang, they LIKE those potatoes, but not the beef.

Spike: Tomahawk chop, sweet potato purée, blanched brussel sprouts. Too sweet, Ilan thinks it's busy. Rich: "Yeah, it's okay" Ouch!

Steph: beef tenderloin, mushrooms, applesauce. Gorgeous, "I'm gonna finish this whole dish" Hung in three words: "I love it." Niiiice!

Antonia: Bone-in ribeye with, um, I missed the side dish. Ilan is falling in love. Why don't you just marry it? The most rounded in Rich's estimation. We may have a winner!

10:39 So it's tough to assess who's on top here. From the appetizers, it seems that Rick and Steph are on top. But let's look at those entrées: Steph and Antonia are the real pleasers, and they did like Lisa's potatoes. I totally missed what they said about Rick's dish.

10:41 Genital herpes meds ad: Thanks for sharing, er, not sharing. Yep.

10:42 So who fared the worst in this elim challenge? Appetizer-wise, I'd say Spike and Antonia, entrée-wise it's, hmmm, I don't know. I just can't figure this one out. So let's let the judges do it for us!

10:43 Don't get weepy, folks.

10:43 Rick: They loved the appetizer, but the entrée was a problem.

Steph: Never usually shows pressure. Again, though, Stephanie's dishes made them happy. Like Rick, she's never made it.

Lisa: Padma wishes the shrimp was warm, and Rich wasn't too pleased. As for the entrée: Rich really wanted to hate it but he couldn't. But Tom said it was unevenly cooked.

Antonia: She made what she'd eat in a steak house. The steak was perfect.

And Spike: The meat was cooked well, but Tom told him he should've sent the scallops back and changed his plans. Oh Jesus, Spike, stop arguing! It's like he is just daring them to send him home. And now he's finally realizing it was dumb! DRINK!

10:48 Steph showed them something new. Is that good news or what?

Rick: His appetizer? THE best thing they ate.

Antonia: Very thoughtful.

Spike: issues with both portions, and bad portions. Rich expected more after that quickfire.

Lisa: apathetic despite an amazing palate. Focuses less on technique.

10:49 I think it's Spike and Lisa for the fall.

10:54 Made it this far...yaddayaddayadda.

First, the winner is... Stephanie! (Wow. What a surprise. I had no idea.)

10:55 I just get this feeling it's Lisa going home tonight. I just do. Let's see how my track record holds up.

Well, Rick gets accolades, as does Antonia.

10:56 And it comes down to our two veterans of the bottom two - Spike and Lisa. Again, I think it's Lisa, but I'm not 100% on that this time. And it's not because I dislike Spike.

10:57 Lisa: just not enough passion. Spike: everything on that plate is by design. Follow through!

And the loser is... SPIKE! Looks like I was wrong this time. And yet that feeling of utter elation I thought I'd feel just ain't there. Well, Spike will probably make it to Puerto Rico anyway. They'll probably have all the eliminees come back in some "guest sous chef"/ "guest of the house" / "guest something" capacity.

10:59 We're not going to see the finale next week, are we? They'll find some way to drag this out for the next month. Just watch.

I have no more comments about this episode. But I will say this: we are closer to a female Top Chef than ever before, that's for dang sure.

Top Chef 4 Live Blogging: Serve and Protect

This week will be my last live-blog for a little while, as this time next Wednesday I will be somewhere over the Continental Divide on my way to LAX (and from there the smoggy Inland Empire). Of course, you won't need my assessment of the silliness on TC4 - there are excellent weekly reviews from Kit, Kathy, Xani and Erin and David Dust, most of whom are local (well, not David), and all of whom have been doing the xlnt recaps. And of course, read this play-by-play of tonight's episode, involving men in uniform (and most likely some women, too).

The drink selection for this evening? Abita Restoration Pale Ale, brewed in Abita Springs, Louisiana. I visited New Orleans in '02. My very first visit to a po'boy stand was illuminating. I asked the guy next to me what they had, Abita or Dixie, and which he'd recommend. He, and about everybody else in New Orleans seems to recommend Abita. When I said I liked Dixie they looked at me like I had crawdads crawling out my ears. It took asking a bartender at a local gay bar why: because Dixie Beer, it seems, just isn't very good. Or wasn't. They don't make it anymore.

On to the festivities...

10:03 Andrew scares me. Already a drink-worthy remark. DRINK!

Ooooh. Sam Talbot from TC2 is guest judge today. And the quickfire challenge: salads. Andrew makes some inappropriate remark? Not yet. Dale gets pissy? Not yet. Hmmm. But the night's still young...

10:05 Lisa: "There are definitely some people who don't deserve to be here..." Wait fr it... Waaaaait....

Like you, Lisa? Oooh, pwned! DRINK!

10:06 These people had 45 minutes to make this salad. Stephanie didn't finish? WTF?

Again, what impresses Sammy boy? Not Lisa's. Antonia's is a wee bit sparse, but delicious. I guess these guys really do go for microscopic plates.

10:08 No reaction from Sam to Rich's. He did seem to like Dale's.

Yikes, Rich's was unimpressive. The glow is gone. Same with Steph. And again, Lisa.

Spike, Antonia and Dale were the most impressive. Wait, who else is there again?

10:09 Ooooh, Spike wins. Hissssssss.....

10:10 And now for some fast food items for the elim challenge (Spike is still eligible - no immunity anymore, so one can hope).

The elim challenge? Make healthy box lunches for the police academy cadets! And you must choose something from a specific food group. Spike gets a 10 minute headstart and can choose one ingredient from each food group that nobody else is allowed to use. Not good for everybody else.

10:15 DAMN do I hate Spike. And look, the prick is choosing the absolutely most common ingredients for his dish, so that nobody else can use them. Chicken, lettuce, bread and tomatoes.

10:17 God, I really, really want to kick his ass.

Abita time...


10:18 So obviously, everyone else compromises. Rich does bok choy and tuna, Lisa is doing something with shrimp, Andrew? Apparently he is making "success".

10:19 So again, their four food groups they must use: a lean protein, a starch?, a vegetable and a fruit.

Andrew is making a sushi roll with parsnip and pine nuts. Um, dude, Spike didn't choose rice, too.

Dale is doing beef filled lettuce cups and Vietnamese style stuff.

10:20 Thank you for saying what I thought already, Antonia: Dale's schtick really is just Asian food.

10:21 Lisa whining about those pesky rules again.

Steph has soup, Lisa made spicy shrimp and edamame "chili" thing.

10:22 And Spike is making a sandwich? WTF? He's not really using them, just putting them out there to be looked at and used if they want to use them?

Anyway, Rich's, um, things look interesting. It probably would be. He could make doody in a box and the judges would love it.

10:24 And here's where the sabotage begins: Lisa has turned up the heat on her rice? Steph thinks it's just a mistake.

Still, DRINK!

10:25 And Dale sabotages himself by almost breaking his neck on a cooler.

10:26 Did I mention how much I despise Spike? The hatred dulled a little bit over the past few eps, but it's back full force now.

And what's the point of these A-List Awards again?

10:27 Soyjoy - fortified with optimism, and refreshingly taste free!

10:28 Lisa is writing directions on the containers. Not bad, but efficient? We'll see.

10:29 To the chefs:

So THAT'S what Rich made - burritos. Tuna burritos. Good idea.

10:30 Oooh, some of these guys probably need this healthy stuff.

To up the slime factor, Spike puts as few plates out as possible.

10:31 Mushroom and meatball soup with fruit-veggie purée and yogurt. The judges love it.

Again, Spike made the bread totally optional. Could the others use pita too?

Oh, SNAP! The judges are bored with it!!! Heheheheheheheh...

10:32 Dale's Asian-dish-of-the-day goes over well with the cadets, okay with the judges.

10:33 Further notes: Antonia pleases, Andrew goes all raw-food on us and the heat overwhelms the heat-lovin' Chicagoans. The judges are not happy with it.

10:34 Let's see how Rich's quinoa burrito goes over... Tom: "Tastes better than it looks, fortunately." Good?

As to Lisa: They like it but the rice is undercooked. And SPICY again!

10:35 Nothing drink worthy for a while... DRINK!

10:36 Yes I admit. I am the only non-straight-white-male who neither is seeing nor cares about the new Sex and the City flick. Please don't hate me, loyal readers. Even though Sarah Jessica Parker's dress at the London premiere was kinda silly.

They look like they're trying to weed her head. Photo courtesy of Getty Images. Linked from "http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag/2008/05/live-from-londo.html"

10:41 And Dale and Steph are the winners! I'm hoping for Steph's hearty soup. No top three this time? Hmmm.

10:42 Many of the chefs had seasoning problems. But not these two. And the winner: Dale. At least now nothing will be broken or banged while the loser throws a hissy fit. A DRINK for the judges' table that could've been.

10:43 Spike's in the bottom three, with Lisa (AGAIN) and Andrew. It feels so good to see him [CORRECTION: Spike, that is] here.

Andrew: a not-so-very substantial dish landed him in the bottom three. It wasn't satisfying enough for the "I like hearty stuff" crowd. C'mon. Why wouldn't cops in the corruption-riddled Windy City want to eat lean and sparse stuff just because?

10:45 Spike is in the bottom because with he chose the most boring ones and wasted two hours making such a conventional dish. And the judges are not happy that Spike seemed to choose ingredients merely to screw over the other chefs.

Spike: "What do you understand about salty and sweet?" Did that just come out of his mouth? Same old argumentative Spike.

10:47 Lisa is there because of her Lisa-ness her food was undercooked. And now Lisa starts throwin' the accusations. Lisa throws Andrew under the bus for not following the rules (she's been under that bus before). DRINK DRINK DRINK!

10:48 Andrew, don't punch Lisa (not like he said he would). Could he punch Spike instead?

10:49 How many times has Lisa wound up in the bottom three again? She's there, like, almost every week!

That Lisa-Andrew confrontation they promised turned out to be less than exciting after all.

For Ted, possible sabotage isn't an issue because there were several problems with her dish.

10:50 Failure of imagination, too much time doing so little. Spike did not expect to be in the bottom this time, I think. He was a victim of his own cleverness?

10:51 Tom: "There's no way I would go back to that - **MAKES AIR QUOTES** - 'sushi'."

10:52 My own personal preferences aside, I really think this is Andrew's night to go home to creepy phallic comment land.

10:55 Yep, the new season of Shear Genius looks stupid already. Apparently, Eva Longoria and Moby are competing.

10:57 Final comments - Andrew can't make the cops replace flavor for nutrition (why couldn't they go together).

Why is Lisa here again?

And the loser is...

ANDREW! Can I call 'em or what?

No, no don't let him shake your hand!!!!!

No Spike is not madcool.

10:58 Lisa is STILL complaining about the rules. Dude, you're not going home. Don't whine as if you are!

10:59 And next week: the final folks work in a greasy spoon? Or is this just plain restaurant wars? I won't know - I'll be on an airplane when this is on. So I'll have to watch this later on. I'm sure others will cover it with aplomb.

FINAL THOUGHTS: As much as I hated what Spike did, and as much as Lisa (and, again Spike-who-is-too-clever-for-his-own-good) deserves to go home alright already, it was painfully obvious tonight. Andrew screwed up, and he needed to go away. No more "culinary boner" references I guess. Oh well. On to SoCal (for me, not these schmucks).

Top Chef 4 Live Blogging: Wedding Wars!!!

When it rains, it pours. I just finished installing my DSL software on my laptop, which I got back from the shop yesterday. $260 after an initial $99 fee. I'm a little down about that. This includes and a new hard drive to replace my old and shot one. At least they gave me back the old one, and told me how I could get data off of it myself. Coincidentally, the exact same problem happened to my mother's laptop after I borrowed it. I'm getting paranoid now - is it me!?

So after these last few days, I need a drink. At least I have a beer beside me. Tonight's choice: Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss, from Wisconsin (yeah, I didn't know they made beer in Wisconsin either). The perfect thing to drink when Spike/Lisa/etc says something irritating. Who will irritate themselves off the show tonight? Let's find out.

10:01 Maybe it's sadistic, but I'm starting to imagine a big slash through the picture of every eliminated chef. That'd be kind of a cool effect. Doesn't have to be gruesome - it's just the photo.

10:02 Spike has some problems. Fucking problems. DRINK! But Antonia points out something I hadn't realized: half of the competition at the halfway point is female, a first in Top Chef history.

10:03 No more immunity from quickfire. These people did know this, right? And which two classic challenges are coming up?

Steph, Antonia, Andy and Rich vs Dale, Nikki, Lisa and Spike. What is this?

10:04 They did a relay race last season? Oh that's right - last season sucked so I stopped watching. Peel oranges, trim artichokes, clean monkfish and make mayo.

Why do Lucy and Ethel pop up in my head? Conveyer belt? Chocolate? Just a thought.

10:06 Annnnnd they're OFF Lisa and Antonia are peelin' those oranges. Let's see which little lady doesn't slice herself apart. And it's Lisa in the home stretch, it's Lisa in by a rind, aaaaaaand iiiittt's LISA!

10:07 Next? Spike with the artichoke vs. Antonia and the orange still? Damn. But here's Andy-on-speed (thanks for that picture, Kit). A peeler for an artichoke? Hey, Lisa's lead is peeled away by Andy.

10:09 Jabba the Monkfish needs to be cleaned. Frankly I'd rather do the orange. That looks hard. Rich and Dale are gutting away, and then Nikki and Steph are there makin' their mayonnAAAAIIISSSE! Who will wind up with egg on their faces?

10:10 Yes Steph - makin' mayo is quite the rush. I heard something to that effect on WYPR the other morning.

Team Rich-Steph-Andrew-Antonia wins!

Jeeeez Dale, way to be a sore loser. DRINK!

10:14 Just to fill y'all in: this is what I am drinking every time someone on this show says or does something irritating.


Because they are being berry silly!

10:15 Aaaah, Restaurant Wars is being replaced this year (everyone but the competitors rejoices). It is now Wedding Catering Wars! Everybody is, um, let down. One team will cater according to the bride's specifications, the other team to the groom's.

AND, the happy couple are restauranteurs. Not only do they know crap even better when they see it, they can call you out on it. Heheheheheh.

10:18 THERE'S that discomfort-making "culinary boner" remark.

The groom wants Italian: bruschetta, crostini, scallops, sea bass - ITALIAN! And the bride? Southern food up and down, a native of Hotlanta! Steak, cheese, mushrooms, pulled pork. Classic American and Southern foods.

10:19 The groom's cake? German chocolate. The bride's? What was it again? I didn't catch that. Something with icing, whatever.

10:20 I'm really not catching anything these people are suggesting for their menus. I will just see it as they come out. I will say this: Everyone hates Dale, Dale hates everyone. Explains a lot.

10:21 At least they aren't limited to $10 this time.

10:22 Nobody said anything stupid yet. But I still want a drink. DRINK!

Restaurant Depot is massive. I don't think everyone is coming out of there. Ever see The Descent?

Aaaaaaaand more tension between Andy and Rich. Now I remember why he irritates me so much. DRINK!

Sunflowers? DOUBLE DRINK!

10:24 Chicago really does look like a lovely place to go. And at least that $2,000 got them something substantial.

10:26 The menus:

Team Italia: Flatbreads, bruschetta, tortellini, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and a chocolate hazelnut cake.

Team Dixie: pizza, pulled pork, short ribs/bleu cheese phyllo, crispy chicken, brisket, more filet mignon, and dark chocolate and lemon cake in layers.

Can I go to this wedding?

10:27 Dale bitches some more about his team mates. Do I have enough Leinenkugel? Oh well. DRINK!

10:31 Back from commercial. Rich is feeling pretty confident.

At the 9-hours-left mark...

God DAMN, Andrew. PLEASE stop with the sexual imagery. "Up to my elbows in spinach, I'm like Popeye's wet dream right now." That is one for the books. DRINK!

10:33 So it appears that Dale is trying to control everything, and Spike takes the sea bass for himself. Nikki is doing more homemade pasta. This is oddly interesting.

10:34 There are different philosophies about ragouts?

These people are dizzy. Andrew is crazy, crazy, crazy. Tell me something else I already know.

10:35 And a well-rested Tom Colicchio comes to mock our final eight competitors with jokes about - aaaaah - sleep. Dale's team is just out of it.

10:36 Tom, are you serious? They're actually exhausted? After not sleeping? SIGH. DRINK!

10:37 It never hit me that Southern food is so allegedly simple. Of course, that is not a dig by any means. But Southern food isn't necessarily easy, which Tom seemed to give the impression of. There's certainly an art to it. At least the variety that doesn't make it onto Paula's Party.

10:41 Out of Leinenkugel. Don't want to open another bottle. I guess I'll stick to soda.

10:43 How lovely. Even purty-er than that gay wedding from season one.

Damn, Padma is tall!

Two Gails today - our regular Gail and a Gale, pastry chef and authority Gale Gand.

10:45 Ribs and cheese in phyllo? They are popular. Pulled pork and pickle, goat cheese and prosciutto pizzas. The wedding party is pleased so far.

On the Italian side, sausage pizza and flatbread is also a winner, but did anybody else see a note of disappointment in the judges' faces?

Oh yep. "A little loud" one guest said.

10:47 And now for dinner. The bride is wearing a gorgeous... uh... screw it. It's a dress. That's all you need to know.

"Andrew's not allowed to talk to the guests" - now that is smart.

10:48 >>EXASPERATED SIGH<< I'M the only one who stays behind and cooks. I get no help. I want a divorce! - Dale. DRINK!

That brisket has not been cooking for 24 hours, dude. You didn't even know about this challenge 24 hours ago. DRINK! And EAT! These guests love this stuff. Most of it. The chicken is, as Andrew was warned, not a winner.

10:50 The groom comes by with his super-big toothy grin. All the better to eat this with, my dear!

So much going on! But the tortellini was not good (oooh Nikki-haters, your time may finally have come).

10:51 Which team is Antonia on again? Whatever, theirs is the favored team among the judges. The bride's cake is absolutely wonderful looking, the groom's, um, it looked a little messy at first but on closeup it looks just fine. Yep, good looking. The cake, I mean.

10:53 Aw damn, this is a 75 minute episode?

No I don't like her. But I love that little look that Lisa shot towards Dale. That "fuck you, you dumb little bitch" look.

10:57 Someone throw Ripa in the oven, please.

10:58 Whoa, total 80's flashback - the incidental music they came back with totally sounded like Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere". Not a big hit, but I liked it anyway.

10:59 And the bride's team is the winner... Of COURSE it is - it's the team with Richard on it. And Antonia.

11:00 Damn, Andrew is tall!

Despite winning, they didn't care for the spinach. Loved you but screw you anyway. Favorite dish? The cake: that is Steph, who made a three-day cake in 14 hours. Everything but the spinach is adored all-around.

And the winner-among-winners? Drum roll?

What. a. shock. Richard. Wow. That is original. But wait! Rich is passing the award to Steph! Hey, my respect for Richie boy just shot up a few notches.

11:02 Let's see how the groom's team defends themselves. Dale is the indignant one, as he has been all night.

Just for old time's sake - DRINK!

11:03 Lisa did the cake. It was tasty but subdued. And the groom gets the blame for much of the wedding menu. Maybe some judicious pruning of his requests was in order?

Other bad things: hard, crunchy pizza and bruschetta, flavorless horseradish sauce, etc.

And Dale shifts into bitch-mode! DRINK!

11:05 Dale is doing everything he can to say that he did everything but when Spike calls him out and demands examples, he ain't givin' em. I reiterate: I hate these people.

At least they liked the sea bass.

11:06 So the fish was tasty but boring, not a centerpiece. Spike's veggies were, eh.

Ego Wars! "What did Dale not do?" Gail not Gale suggests their judicious pruning.

Nikki's "Italian" food disappointed Tom especially.

11:07 Dale shut the hell up. Please.

No criticism of Lisa. That's a first. I guess Dale can't take criticism either.

11:11 Let's hurry this up, people. I got stuff to do. Yes, even at this late hour.

Which chef annoys me the most? How about Dale, Lisa and Spike all together?

11:12 Ooooooh way to burn Dale - you did the most but we didn't care for it.

And the loser is...

...Nikki. I figured it'd be her. We saw the least of her this time. And strangely, it seemed like of all the times she should have been kicked out for, it wasn't this. But whatever. Nikki is out. Let's still work on the rest of her teammates now.

11:14 And next week... WHO is trying to screw everyone else up now? Cooking for the police academy. Hmmm.

That's about it. Next week promises sabotage. I must admit: my curiosity is very aroused. But not in a "culinary boner" kind of way. Again, ick.

Top Chef 4 Live Blogging: Common Threads

Most of the bloggers I have read all seem to agree: they want Antonia and Lisa out (UPDATE: Forgot to mention Nikki). I myself would add Spike to that list. But who stays or goes depends on one little thing...

KIDDIES!!!

10:01 Steph isn't really sure why she's here. Antonia? Yep, pretty sure she should be. Mark doesn't look too bad in the mirror, now does he?

Alright folks, let's see food.

10:03 Art Smith, chef, humanitarian is our guest judge. And the quickfire challenge: create a fabulous entrée in 15 minutes, using Uncle Ben's. Nice product placement, I might add.

Too "beneath" you, Lisa?

10:05 Dale is frying it.... Steph making rice pancake... Spike fillin' maters with it... Rice and...salad? Salad with rice?!?

10:06 The rice...with salad?... actually isn't all that weird. Nikki does fried rice, not so bad. And here's rich with his haute cuisine Uncle Ben's with seared tuna. Yummy.

Steph's brown rice pancakes and scallops are pleasing, too. Is there anything this man does not like?

10:07 Spike, Lisa, Dale - he liked 'em. Mark was the first one he thought sucked. Andrew's was "crunchy but clever". Steph? I thought he liked here. And - whoa - LISA! I thought he liked hers.

The top ones? Rich (Again?), Dale (And again!) and Antonia (Not again!) Antonia's is actually the winner. isn't this the first time Rich and Dale have lost, like, anything in a while?

10:10 Make a delicious, nutritious dinner for a family of four, so simple even a child can make it. For TEN DOLLARS. Heheheh. This is beneath everyone. I love what Andrew said: something like "How can I make seared rockfish with just ten dollars? This challenge is impossible!" What makes it even tougher? They have to buy it all at Whole Foods. Come on, at least let 'em shop at Food Lion or something. Aldi? Or maybe ingredients from the Maryland Food Bank?

10:17 Is that Nikki in that Dove ad?

10:18 I'm still lovin' this challenge, except for the Whole Foods aspect. It's quite possible to make a meal for four on $10, but not if you have to shop at Whole Foods. You're looking at a block of butter and a rutabaga.

At least Antonia is getting into this.

Who has not gone over budget before? And look at Antonia wasting food in order to lop 24 cents off the price of her bok choy!

10:19 Oh. That is so cute. She is talking to her daughter. Heart string tugging ensues.

10:20 And here come the pint-size sous-chefs! These are students in the Common Threads program that Art Smith works for. This is actually a nice twist. And the kids have apparently chosen beforehand.

10:21 So is it like Project Runway where the kid gets something if their chef is the winner? Maybe a pony? No, don't want a pony.

I'm curious - how exactly did Lisa get chicken breasts and all the other things at Whole Foods for $10? Was it Whole Foods discount day?

10:23 This goes for everyone.

10:24 Much as I dislike some of these people, it is humanizing to see them interact with these kids.

I hate to admit that Lisa does bring up a not-so-bad point about a curry not being best for this challenge. I still have to disagree, in a way: lots of families with lots of kids all over the world eat curries. But in the US, children are usually not blown over by curries.

Whoa. Andrew was over 200 lbs in high school! That was his motivation for cooking healthily for himself.

10:26 Richard and his sous-chef Abigail are letting onions sweat. Adorable. Dale's little buddy likes the eating part the best.

Too bad they didn't up the cuteness factor even more by getting some of those BIG EYED kids.

Picture copied from the "Keane Eyes Gallery" website, http://www.keane-eyes.com/

10:28 Tom is critiquing the "stretchiness" of many of these dishes. Makes sense to me - how far can you stretch your increasingly worthless dollar?

10:29 They're done. High fives ensue.

10:32 I love that Corelle ad where the model falls on her ass. Because the walkway is greased.

10:33 And we are back. The kids help to serve, and guess who is eating? Yup, the sous-chefs' fellow students.

A rundown:

Rich's beets are okay, despite the fact that children are eating them.

Cute tablecloth-slash-coloring book.

10:34 Lisa does roasted chicken breast edamame and black beans with peanut butter and apple toast. Padma likes it at least. Right?

10:35 Dale has turkey sausage with apples and cabbage. Acidic and strong. Yikes.

10:36 Spike just loves soup, doesn't he? He also likes pasta puttanesca. Great way to sneak vegetables into children.

Did that kid just call it pisghetti?

Here's Nikki with roasted chicken, veggies and tomato-cuke salad. Art and the regular judges are quite happy.

Guess Nikki's sticking around for another week.

Mark and Jesucita's curry surprises the judges, especially with coconut milk and sweet potato. The judges are... ambivalent?

10:38 I missed what the last group just made, but Andrew brought out chicken paillard. Never heard of it, but the judges liked it.

10:39 Stephanie's couscous is cruddycruddy.

But on the plus side, the kids loved the experience all around!

10:40 Hmmm, they REALLY liked Nikki's dish. (Sorry to all the Nikki haters - I know that includes most of you.) Same for Antonia's. Lisa's and Stephanie's were underwhelming. Let's see how these people take the news.

10:43 God, won't these caveman commercials ever stop already?

10:44 I hate my modem, I really do.

10:46 Andrew, Nikki, Antonia are on top. Dang! I’m so used to seeing Dale and/or Richard win that I’m, I’m just. Just. Amazed.

Lisa never seems to be surprised that she isn’t on top, too. Have you noticed this?

And the winner is…

10:47 Antonia! I’m actually not surprised. I just don’t see Nikki winning, like, anything.

10:48 On the bottom are Lisa (again), Mark (haven't seen him there for a while) and Steph (isn't she immune? Oh wait - that was Antonia). Mark is there because Tom doesn't like him? Huh? They question the cuke. And Lisa's edamame was bland. Healthy and flavorless, that's the way I like it!

10:50 THANK YOU, ART! He is the very first judge to note - out loud - that Lisa cannot take criticism, like, at all.

As for the curry? Very sloppy, in a different - read: lower - league.

Steph surprised Tom: peanut butter and tomato? With couscous? Padma used the word "disgusting". Ouch. That's the first time I've heard her call anything "disgusting".

My money, however, is on Mark going home. He's usually been lackluster at best.

10:57 We're back. The one problem with all: overly complicated led to yucky. More like a third grade art project.

And the loser is...

10:58 ...Mark! I knew it! But Tom gave him a kiss and a pat on the head to let him know he didn't hate him. Okay, no he didn't. But that would've been funny, admit it!

10:59 And next week they go the other extreme - cooking for fourteen straight hours for a wedding. They did this challenge in season one. The wedding cake, at least, looks better this time around.

11:00 "I have a culinary boner right now." - Andrew. Not sure I can get that image out of my head. Gay or straight, is that really an image you want in your head? I thought not.

Final thoughts:

I need to save myself some money. So I think I may actually try to make Antonia's dish at some point in the not-so-distant future. It'll be nice to just spend $10 at the store. I might cheat and go to Super Fresh, but I think I'll have to try that soon.

Another thing to do is to avoid that runway again...

Top Chef 4 Live Blogging!!!: Improv

What better way to critique an episode involving improv than to improv a review? To wit:

10:00 Did Ryan look like a sports fan? I agree - he did not. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

10:02 Goddamn, everything Jennifer does is to avenge Zoi!

OoooOOOOOoooh! CAKE! CAKECAKECAKE NUMMNMNMNMNMN!

10:04 The guest judge is the dashing pastry chef Johnny Iuzzini. His hair is kinda like Jennifer's and Rich's, at least in the front.

I do not know why people keep coming to this competition never expecting to make a dessert, when they know damn well they're gonna have to do that at some point!

To wit: Lisa. Ass. Like Eric and his "there's nothing haute cuisiney about Mexican food" schtick.

10:05 As y'all know, I kinda sorta despise Spike. But at least the boy brought a dessert with him: a "pineapple rum raisin souflée". Banana scallops and guac is a bit more original.

10:07 One thing I just think is so cool is how folks integrate savory things into desserts - basil, guacamole, ravioli, etc. Fun stuff.

Antonia's creme brulee thing sucked. And Spike? Ooooh, the chef didn't go for it either. Third: Marc's sparse plate of - what was that again?

10:08 But Dale (again) and Lisa (again) and Rich (again) are on the top. And AGAIN Richieboy wins, for his banana scallop/guacamole thing.

10:09 The gang is headin' to Second City. What was that about these folks hanging out as "friends", Steph? I don't buy it.

10:11 Hey, now people are supposed to throw foods (the names of foods I mean) to the folks onstage. Our happy contenders think these will probably be the ingredients.

10:13 And here are the recipes they have to come up with, in teams of two:

Yellow Love Vanilla
Green Perplexed Tofu
Orange Turned On Asparagus
Plus something with bananas (DPB?) and "Magenta Deranged" Something

Oh no! Purple Depressed BACON! Ohboyohoboyohboy it's BACOOON!
And Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage

This is one of the funniest challenges I have ever seen on this show.

10:17 That commercial came at just the right time. I ran out of Hoegaarden and went for a beer. I'm as perplexed by the flavor as Dale and Rich are with their Green Perplexed Tofu.

10:19 Marinating tofu steaks in beef. Oh my.

10:20 Oh go to hell, Lisa. Cooking with beer is apparently "beneath her". Not beneath me, and many people I know. Hopefully, so is winning this competition.

10:21 So Andy and Spike are making a vanilla squash soup. This piques my interest.

10:22 Dale and Rich are doing a Green Curry Grilled Tofu. It's just too funny to cook tofu with meat. On purpose.

10:23 Ooooh, they REALLY have to improv. There is no electric equipment with which to cook. Oh tonight they're gonna cook stuff like it's 1799. Andrew has to pound squash through a ricer while Dale has to make his own curry. Again - HILARIOUS!

10:25 Okay. How daring is "roasted pork loin", Mark? As for Jenn and Steph, they
have a ménage a trois: goat, cheese and asparagus! Or is it "goat cheese" and "asparagus"? Isn't that ménage a deux?

Finally we have Lisa and Antonia. Instead of the Polish sausage, they've gone for a Spanish (maybe even a Mexican) one: chorizo with sea bass and purple potatoes. Sounds tasty, but it's not visually working for them. Didn't they have this problem before with the movie challenge?


10:26 Top Chef house is the latest venue for our judges to eat at. And everybody has to get the hell over there in twenty minutes.

10:27 I hate Jeffrey from Project Runway. The guy is a prick. There, I said it.

10:29 BEER TIME!


Perfect for drinking whenever Spike says something dumb.

10:32 The soup looks good! They may have pulled it out without so much as a food processor. What do the judges think? Spicy heat. Creme fraiche. Bite. Delicious. Spike's not going home this week. Damn.

10:33 Jennifer and Stephanie's "orange turned-on asparagus" is phallic? Don't know many lesbians who go for that, but I know a gaggle of gay men who would! And it's ORANGE, goat cheese and asparagus.

But the bread is though to cut, and Ted puts it best: This is less of a ménage a trois and more of an orgy. Oh SNAP!

10:35 Rich-who-is-immune gives the cred to Dale. Am I tofu? Am I beef? Who cares? I taste FABULOUS, sweetie! The judges are quite impressed. Not perplexed at all. And they credited each other, which impresses one comedienne.

10:37 The only two color blind chefs in the competition. How the hell is this dish magenta? And when your judges want tequila, don't tell them they don't get any. The judges have problems. It's like the challenge was more of a burden than an inspiration. Plus: Where's the "drunkenness"? Where's the Polish sausage? And of course, the gratuitous "Don't be offended, Mr. Gay Man about my Polish sausage comment" comment. Silly breeder!

10:38 Mark and Nikki make purple bacon, something with sweet potatoes, grape sauce, brussel sprouts. Ted: "The glaze on that bacon is great." Y'all heard it first.

10:40 DAMMIT! Not that stupid hair cutting show again! You can't see it but I am so rolling my eyes.

10:42 More about this ale from up at 10:29: I saw it at Wells Discount Liquors and it looked interesting. Ebulum Elderberry Black Ale from Scotland. It's very much like Guinness but more bitter. It is smooth but with a bite at the same time. It took me by surprise at first.

10:45 It's reckonin' time! The winning teams are the green and yellow teams.

They credit their success to mucho planning ahead of time. And get this: that squash soup with vanilla creme fraiche was, according to Tom, the best thing they've eaten all season. Now THAT'S a compliment!

10:46 The winning team? Dale and Richard. The others don't look pleased. I think Dale and Richard are this season's big time golden boys. They can do no wrong.

10:47 And Antonia, Lisa, Stephanie and Jennifer are on the chopping block. They don't look as surprised this time, just annoyed. Lisa is all like attitude, again. My God, she's a snob. Despite her protests, Tom and Johnny are not impressed that they didn't use Polish sausage and beer. But I think Jenn and Steph are the ones who need to worry.

10:49 Train wreck. Phallic. Not two concepts that most men like to think of together (Yikes!) Jenn did the bread and cheese, Steph did the orange vinaigrette and pretty much everything else.

10:50 Which was worse? Lisa and Antonia are snobbish about some good Polish sausage. And no, Lisa, they would not have said "What the fuck is this bar food?" had y'all done that. Sometimes bar food is what you need!

10:53 Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blanks! Sorry, an NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me flashback.

The first time I saw that Hidden Valley ad with the Ranch dressing dispenser, and those folks just gushing it on their food, it made me sick. Second time around? Yep, still sick.

10:57 Jenn and Steph impressed less'd. Uhoh.

And Jenn gets to see Zoi again! And, like most of the competitors this season, she complains about the judges' decision. What is it with these people this season? One thing's for sure: she's taking it with a bit more grace than her reaction suggested she would.

And this makes sense, Rich: "There's no room for error. Not anymore." Too true.

Next week: Top Chef with kiddie helpers! And one child cuts himself! Adorable and scary all at the same time.

So to sum up: Rich is right. NO room for error. Apparently, a lot of these people on here this season can't spot an error when they see one. That alone is a problem. And now I have no clue who will go home next week. We can only wait and see!

UPDATE: 11:06 - I still have it on in the background, and just realized: I want something with nutella in it. Right. Now.

TC4 Live Blogging on Wednesday - Who's Going Home?

Just a reminder: I am live-blog the next ep of Top Chef 4. Any bets on who's goin' home this week?

Based on the ads and on how people have been doing:

• Maybe Andrew - they show off a supposedly "major" "blunder" in the kitchen after their improv challenge. The boy doesn't look too happy.
• Spike - because one can hope.
• I can't think of anybody else. Ideas?
  

Five Ten things that popped in my mind about tonight's Top Chef

Of all the nights I decided to forgo the live blog thing, this was not the one to do it. Too much interesting, snark-worthy stuff happening. But I will put down ten things that jump out at me about this episode (will probably do the live-blog thing next week). To wit:

1. Oh right, Spike. Everyone is jealous of you. So that must be why you've been in the bottom three the last few weeks! Cuz everyone's jealous of you!

2. For fucksake I hate these people.

3. Mmmm. Beer. I saw Hoegaarden, one of my new favorite beers (as found in Amsterdam).

4. Awww, Jennifer dedicated her dish to her Greek goddess Zoi. How cute! Next watch as I make a dessert inspired by my cat.


5. Damn, Ryan, how sheltered a life have you led? Pears with creme fraiche? At a tailgate? Honestly, I don't tailgate, but even I know that doesn't work. (Of course, I was trying to figure out how I would've worked crabcakes or oysters into the challenge. We in the Chesapeake gotta represent!)

6. I'm starting to hate Andrew less.

7. Hey, Mark don't look too bad covered in bubbles.

8. Goddamn I hate these people!

9. Dale won again? The guy is hot! But I figured Antonia or Steph would slug him or something. At least Lisa wasn't in there.

10. Dang, Ryan, so sad to see you go - but the judges were right, your dish was kind of lame. Too bad we didn't get your ass in the bathtub covered in bubbles, heheheh.

Top Chef 4:The Elements (Live-Blogging)

Here I am, about to do this "live blog" thing for the new ep of Top Chef 4: Chicago. This week our absurdly arrogant contestants meet up with the one and only Ming Tsai himself, as they cater an event for many, many people. Who gets kicked out? How the hell should I know? We'll just have to find out.

I will be constantly updating this page, just in case you need to know that sort of thing. The entries will be posted in chronological order - in other words, what happens first will be at the top. Helps avoid spoilers, and it looks less odd.

10:01 Bye Manuel. Damn shame you're going.

10:02 Oh Ryan's so cute when he's deluded.

10:04 Testing their palates? Hey, didn't they do this in TC1? Oh wait. They do this every season. Can't wait to see what they taste (heheheheh)

Ooooh, this is an evil challenge. They aren't getting weird stuff this time. This time they get high quality vs low grade stuff. Food Lion-brand "syrup flavored product" anyone?

10:06 I guess it never dawned on me that there was low and high grade pork. I'm sad.

10:08 Ryan, Jenn and Antonia know their palates! Steph? Ahem...

10:09 Awesome! They're catering for a celebrity dinner in support of Meals on Wheels Chicago
And their dishes? Based on "Earth, Wind and Fire". Er, and "Water".

HAH! 15 minutes to develop y'all's menus!

10:11 Okay. Drinking game: every time Andrew whines or bitches about something take a shot.

Deviled eggs? For fire? Chrissakes, Dale. Something with flames for cornsake.

10:13 And we're at commercial. So some interesting ideas for their elemental dishes. The fish one on the water team is a no-brainer I guess, but it still sounds like a pretty good idea to me. This is harder than it looks. I missed about half of the teams' ideas. But deviled eggs are still a stupid idea.

10:16 So the Water Babes are going to poach salmon in a "controlled water bath". The Airheads are doing duck (yummm). It looks like the Flamers have given up on the deviled eggs and are (pardon the pun) going to get burned. Don't tell me y'all weren't thinking that.

10:17 Drink each time Spike says something stupid or "prickish"!

10:18 So the Fire Folks finally settle for... what? What the hell? They left me hangin'!

10:20 Mark's gonna have a chef-gasm. The kitchen is bigger than anything he's ever seen. It's even bigger than New Zealand!

So Team Earth is doing mushrooms and sunchokes with thinly sliced beef. It sounds good to me.

10:21 Parsnip vanilla purée? Faux-tapioca caviar? Poached salmon? Dude, you forgot the chocolate.

10:22 Prawns and bacon. Team Fire settled on shrimp and pig. With a gooey miso flavor. How is this fire-related again?

10:23 It's because she doesn't like you, Lisa. She's getting on Dale's nerves too it seems.

10:24 Ryan "seems to be getting a little frazzled". Ryan? Frazzled? Noooo.

Uh-oh. Tom is here.

10:25 Initial impressions: Team Earth isn't unimpressive so far. Water Boys? I love the look on Tom's face. Kind of a bemused Tim Gunn "I'm not wowed" sort of look. Also worried about the Airheads.

Ah, the Fireteam is making it hot. So that's how it's "fire-y".

10:29 I don't care what anybody says. That Real Housewives of New York looks stupid.

10:31 Water Boys are running behind. Tom did say they were being cocky. Tangential note: I could go for some nice salmon sashimi right about now.

10:32 And the Server-voir Dogs are in da house.

10:33 And here's what's getting out there.

Team Water: Poached salmon with faux caviar and watercress salad. The judges liked it until they got the mouth full of scales. Oooooh.

10:34 Grilled shrimp, pickled chili salad, and something with bacon. For a totally flaky team the crowd is impressed! Sure, it's fucking hot but they're happy with it.

Duck breast, pomegranite prosecco apéritif with irritating, unrendered fat. NOt fans.

10:35 Beef carpaccio with mushroom salad. Bland despite the rosemary. Ooohoohoo, I love to hear Tom bitch about what he's eating. Earth-Firsters did not please.

10:36 So I guess there's something to be said for getting your act together at the verylastmillisecond after all. Yes Lisa. Be proud. As for Rich, at least he's not blaming everybody else for his team's screw-up.

10:38 Who should be "spanked" for being difficult: Dale, Antonia or Lisa? Change that to "smacked upside the head for being irritating" and my vote's for Zoi!!!!! Change that - Andrew. No, Spike. Damn, so many to choose from! Can I smack them all?

10:42 It's official: Team Fire is f-f-f-flamin'! Talk about a 180° turn-around! AND - Lisa is goin' to Italy. Now Dale is "bitter". Rawrrrr.

10:45 So Earth and Water is are in the bottom. Water is drowning at the deep end because of all those scales. Lots and lots of scales. Padma and Tom are not big fans of seaweed and salmon, and the caviar, though interesting, was odd. What did Mark do again? Parsnip, right. The judges are roundly befuddled.

10:47 And they now question Antonia's palate. Zoi did the salad, Spike the beef, and Antonia, she-who-is-immune, did the prep. The judges' problem? Blandness, apart from that misplaced rosemary.

And now Spike starts throwin' his mates under the bus. DRINK!

10:48 Hey, new Bravo Show, Make Me a Soup. Thanks, Ming!

And now Team Earth starts flingin' the mud.

10:50 So salmon or beef? Rich liked the texture, the others did not. But everyone hated the beef. Oooh, look at the judges - they want to kick Spike AND Zoi out. Oh please, please, pleeeeease!

10:55 Isn't that Canadian guy on Step It Up & Dance just adorable? Seriously. (UPDATE: His name is Cody, and he's from Surrey, British Columbia. I'm just sad.)

10:56 So who gets kicked out? Drumroll... Earth sucks the worst.

And Zoi is out! (No shit.) Again, Spike is in the bottom and again he weasels his way into another week.

10:58 Okay, so why did Dale storm out again? Uh-oh, Spike and Antonia are mudslinging at each other. Stupid thing Spike says - screw it, just drink the whole damn bottle.

10:59 Whoa where did this come from? Dale and Lisa won, so what the hell is this?

11:00 And they're tailgating next week. But what's this with the boys in the bath?

Final thoughts about this episode - Well, this has to be the most dramatic episode I have seen of this show. And that includes the string of "Let's-gang-up-on-Marcel" episodes from TC2 (Yes the boy was annoying, but come on, he's not Hitler. I felt sorry for the kid.). I was totally confident that someone from Team Fire would be kicked out, until I saw them pull it out of, well, the fire and get their act together. Can't say I'm sorry to see Zoi go, but I do agree: once again, it should've been Spike. Y'all can tell I don't like the boy very much. Oh well. Let's see about next week! I doubt I'll do this next week, but who knows? It does keep you on your toes, that's for damn sure.

Top Chef 4 Movie Episode - Live Blogging!

I got the idea to “live blog” Top Chef from the various political blogs that humorously did the same for the Democratic and GOP Presidential debates last year. But since I have no internet in my living room – where my TV is – and I didn’t bother to hook up the modem, I’m uploading this during the commercial breaks after the fact. As soon as the commercials hit, I save it to my flash drive, bolt to my computer, load it and put it into Blogger!

This won’t be a regular occurrence. For a much better, much more comprehensive review on tonight’s Top Chef, go to Xani and Erin’s blog. (CORRECTION: Oops, that was a typo: they aren't doing a week-by-week of TC4. Kit at Mango & Ginger is, or at least has been trying to. Definitely read her blog, and read Black Coffee & a Donut also. Lots of pictures that'll make you hungry.)

10:01 Culinary dream… title of Top Chef… blah blah blah. Still like the new opening a wee bit better, even though the chefs are supposed to act stupid.

10:03 I don’t know who he is! Should I leave? I’m bummed. Should I know Daniel Boulud?

Ooooooh, and they have to do some classic techniques for the Quickfire! Ryan? Not pleased. Glad I’m not doing this.

10:07 Oooh, Dale, vegan sashimi! Very impressive! Richard Golden Boy? Pretty presentation. Why does this remind me of TC1’s Stephen? No. Manuel’s reminds me of Stephen’s.

10:09 Sigh – Richard simply cannot fail. But Dale wins. Woo hoo, Dale!

10:10 The elimination challenge: create a dinner based on your favorite movie. I reiterate: America should be thankful I’m not on this show. How am I not going to get booted with my Dawn of the Dead-inspired masterpiece?

And everybody’s piling on Richard.

10:12 This’ll be fun to watch. Ryan has apparently not set foot in a Blockbuster or a Loews since 2006. His partner Mark rattles off movies and Ryan looks all deer in the headlights. This is going to be a funny episode.

10:16 Geez Rich – Willy Wonka? A movie about food? Isn’t that a little, um, unoriginal. Jen & Nikki are choosing something Italian, but they’re mumbling. Oh, Il Postino. The Postman – not the sucky version by Kevin Costner.

10:18 Dumb and Dumber? Ryan, go see a fucking movie. Wait – A Christmas Story. I knew I liked this boy after all.

10:20 Steph and Lisa are fucked over with another dessert – no? A dinner for dessert? Something about a cow suit? Top Secret.

Ah, let loose with $150 at Whole Foods. That should buy you a box of spaghetti and some olives.

10:22 I so hate Anthony Andrew.

10:24 All this intense work in the kitchen. This Top Secret menu sounds delightful. I wish I knew everybody’s names. Otherwise, it’ll jus tbe Top Secret girl, Willy Wonka boy.

10:26 Richard’s smoking machine worked well for the crabcakes in Ep 1. Not so good now.

10:30 Thank God for long commercial breaks (never thought I’d say that).

10:31 The Willy Wonka dish sounds appetizing. The folks seem to like it. white chocolate fizzy drink and salmon.

10:32 Goooood MorningVietnaaaaaaam! Very sparse plate. The plates look good, but the diners are, again, underwhelmed. Gooooooooood night Vietnaaaaaaam?

10:33 Il Postino through tortellini. “It’s not GREAT, it’s good.” Less kind words have come out of Tom Colicchio’s mouth. Woman in the red shirt is duly impressed.

10:34 Oh I LOVE that scene in A Christmas Story! They’re doing the scene with the Bumpus hounds, Da-d-d-DA-d-DAAA! They are just lovin’ it all.

10:36 Talk to Her with lamb and cauliflower. I love the presentation. The diners? Eh. Aisha Tyler: not transcendant. Not what you want to hear but it won’t get you kicked out.

10:37 Top Secret – here’s the real secret: it’s more dinner for dessert. But they like it!

10:38 Ted Allen – Val Kilmer – cow suit. Y’all figure it out.

And now the judges’ assessments: Il Postino wasn’t as bella as they let on, ditto Talk to Her. As for Top Secret dinner-for-dessert? Again, very impressed.

I think the Vietnam folks are in trouble.

10:45 And we’re back. Why does Padma look so not happy? Maybe because she had to ask for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Looks like the judges were muy impressed with them and Top Secret. Willy Wonka was the weirdest, with caviar and salmon and white chocolate, Top Secret much less, um, unconventional but when Ted Allen calls your dish “harmonious” can you really complain?

10:47 Willy Wonka wins! The crowd goes wild (yay).

10:48 Oooh, Antonia rippin’ on the Willy Wonka team. Someone has a bad case of sour grapes.

10:49 Oooh, Antonia in the bottom four. Good Morning Vietnam and Talk to Her led to less-than-sensational courses.

10:50 Disjointed Swiss chard and pickle in a spring roll. Kind of boring, this dish. Tom not impressed with typical hole in the wall Vietnamese restaurant food that Spike and Manuel made. Again, these boys are in trouble, especially Spike.

10:51 I hate it when Heidi, Michael and Nina play that “Who would you pick to go home?” game. Oooh wait – wrong show. Spike don’t play that neither.

10:52 My vote is Spike.

10:56 I hope Holly wins. Damn, wrong show again!

10:57 Moment of truth – am I right? Is hat boy homebound? Well the Talk to Her gals are safe.

10:58 Oh SNAP! Manuel!? Come on folks. Sure he’s a follower, but the dish was Spike’s idea.

10:59 Next week: massive dinner, Ming Tsai (hey, recognized HIM), Richard starting to suck and looks like folks are callin’ each other out.

So this live blogging thing didn't work out the way I had hoped. And maybe I should have given people, umm, notice that I was doing this, so most of you will be reading it after the fact. Still, pretty disjointed effort on my part. I did like this episode, as well as this season. So far, count for count it is light years over the previous one.