Top Chef 4 Live Blogging!!!: Improv

What better way to critique an episode involving improv than to improv a review? To wit:

10:00 Did Ryan look like a sports fan? I agree - he did not. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

10:02 Goddamn, everything Jennifer does is to avenge Zoi!

OoooOOOOOoooh! CAKE! CAKECAKECAKE NUMMNMNMNMNMN!

10:04 The guest judge is the dashing pastry chef Johnny Iuzzini. His hair is kinda like Jennifer's and Rich's, at least in the front.

I do not know why people keep coming to this competition never expecting to make a dessert, when they know damn well they're gonna have to do that at some point!

To wit: Lisa. Ass. Like Eric and his "there's nothing haute cuisiney about Mexican food" schtick.

10:05 As y'all know, I kinda sorta despise Spike. But at least the boy brought a dessert with him: a "pineapple rum raisin souflée". Banana scallops and guac is a bit more original.

10:07 One thing I just think is so cool is how folks integrate savory things into desserts - basil, guacamole, ravioli, etc. Fun stuff.

Antonia's creme brulee thing sucked. And Spike? Ooooh, the chef didn't go for it either. Third: Marc's sparse plate of - what was that again?

10:08 But Dale (again) and Lisa (again) and Rich (again) are on the top. And AGAIN Richieboy wins, for his banana scallop/guacamole thing.

10:09 The gang is headin' to Second City. What was that about these folks hanging out as "friends", Steph? I don't buy it.

10:11 Hey, now people are supposed to throw foods (the names of foods I mean) to the folks onstage. Our happy contenders think these will probably be the ingredients.

10:13 And here are the recipes they have to come up with, in teams of two:

Yellow Love Vanilla
Green Perplexed Tofu
Orange Turned On Asparagus
Plus something with bananas (DPB?) and "Magenta Deranged" Something

Oh no! Purple Depressed BACON! Ohboyohoboyohboy it's BACOOON!
And Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage

This is one of the funniest challenges I have ever seen on this show.

10:17 That commercial came at just the right time. I ran out of Hoegaarden and went for a beer. I'm as perplexed by the flavor as Dale and Rich are with their Green Perplexed Tofu.

10:19 Marinating tofu steaks in beef. Oh my.

10:20 Oh go to hell, Lisa. Cooking with beer is apparently "beneath her". Not beneath me, and many people I know. Hopefully, so is winning this competition.

10:21 So Andy and Spike are making a vanilla squash soup. This piques my interest.

10:22 Dale and Rich are doing a Green Curry Grilled Tofu. It's just too funny to cook tofu with meat. On purpose.

10:23 Ooooh, they REALLY have to improv. There is no electric equipment with which to cook. Oh tonight they're gonna cook stuff like it's 1799. Andrew has to pound squash through a ricer while Dale has to make his own curry. Again - HILARIOUS!

10:25 Okay. How daring is "roasted pork loin", Mark? As for Jenn and Steph, they
have a ménage a trois: goat, cheese and asparagus! Or is it "goat cheese" and "asparagus"? Isn't that ménage a deux?

Finally we have Lisa and Antonia. Instead of the Polish sausage, they've gone for a Spanish (maybe even a Mexican) one: chorizo with sea bass and purple potatoes. Sounds tasty, but it's not visually working for them. Didn't they have this problem before with the movie challenge?


10:26 Top Chef house is the latest venue for our judges to eat at. And everybody has to get the hell over there in twenty minutes.

10:27 I hate Jeffrey from Project Runway. The guy is a prick. There, I said it.

10:29 BEER TIME!


Perfect for drinking whenever Spike says something dumb.

10:32 The soup looks good! They may have pulled it out without so much as a food processor. What do the judges think? Spicy heat. Creme fraiche. Bite. Delicious. Spike's not going home this week. Damn.

10:33 Jennifer and Stephanie's "orange turned-on asparagus" is phallic? Don't know many lesbians who go for that, but I know a gaggle of gay men who would! And it's ORANGE, goat cheese and asparagus.

But the bread is though to cut, and Ted puts it best: This is less of a ménage a trois and more of an orgy. Oh SNAP!

10:35 Rich-who-is-immune gives the cred to Dale. Am I tofu? Am I beef? Who cares? I taste FABULOUS, sweetie! The judges are quite impressed. Not perplexed at all. And they credited each other, which impresses one comedienne.

10:37 The only two color blind chefs in the competition. How the hell is this dish magenta? And when your judges want tequila, don't tell them they don't get any. The judges have problems. It's like the challenge was more of a burden than an inspiration. Plus: Where's the "drunkenness"? Where's the Polish sausage? And of course, the gratuitous "Don't be offended, Mr. Gay Man about my Polish sausage comment" comment. Silly breeder!

10:38 Mark and Nikki make purple bacon, something with sweet potatoes, grape sauce, brussel sprouts. Ted: "The glaze on that bacon is great." Y'all heard it first.

10:40 DAMMIT! Not that stupid hair cutting show again! You can't see it but I am so rolling my eyes.

10:42 More about this ale from up at 10:29: I saw it at Wells Discount Liquors and it looked interesting. Ebulum Elderberry Black Ale from Scotland. It's very much like Guinness but more bitter. It is smooth but with a bite at the same time. It took me by surprise at first.

10:45 It's reckonin' time! The winning teams are the green and yellow teams.

They credit their success to mucho planning ahead of time. And get this: that squash soup with vanilla creme fraiche was, according to Tom, the best thing they've eaten all season. Now THAT'S a compliment!

10:46 The winning team? Dale and Richard. The others don't look pleased. I think Dale and Richard are this season's big time golden boys. They can do no wrong.

10:47 And Antonia, Lisa, Stephanie and Jennifer are on the chopping block. They don't look as surprised this time, just annoyed. Lisa is all like attitude, again. My God, she's a snob. Despite her protests, Tom and Johnny are not impressed that they didn't use Polish sausage and beer. But I think Jenn and Steph are the ones who need to worry.

10:49 Train wreck. Phallic. Not two concepts that most men like to think of together (Yikes!) Jenn did the bread and cheese, Steph did the orange vinaigrette and pretty much everything else.

10:50 Which was worse? Lisa and Antonia are snobbish about some good Polish sausage. And no, Lisa, they would not have said "What the fuck is this bar food?" had y'all done that. Sometimes bar food is what you need!

10:53 Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blanks! Sorry, an NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me flashback.

The first time I saw that Hidden Valley ad with the Ranch dressing dispenser, and those folks just gushing it on their food, it made me sick. Second time around? Yep, still sick.

10:57 Jenn and Steph impressed less'd. Uhoh.

And Jenn gets to see Zoi again! And, like most of the competitors this season, she complains about the judges' decision. What is it with these people this season? One thing's for sure: she's taking it with a bit more grace than her reaction suggested she would.

And this makes sense, Rich: "There's no room for error. Not anymore." Too true.

Next week: Top Chef with kiddie helpers! And one child cuts himself! Adorable and scary all at the same time.

So to sum up: Rich is right. NO room for error. Apparently, a lot of these people on here this season can't spot an error when they see one. That alone is a problem. And now I have no clue who will go home next week. We can only wait and see!

UPDATE: 11:06 - I still have it on in the background, and just realized: I want something with nutella in it. Right. Now.