Will Work for Food: Some Observations

Adam Gertler is the first loser on The Next Food Network Chef to still wind up with his own Food Network show. I knew his hairy little butt would wind up in front of the Food Network cameras someday. Right now I'm sitting here, waiting for delicious deluxe white bread to bake in my bread maker, while I watch Adam live the life of a foodie from the 1830's.

• He cannot be that dumb that he doesn't know you don't tell the cow to milk.
• He looks ridiculous. But this isn't the style today anyway.
• So skim milk went to the pigs on the typical New England farm in the 1830's? Interesting.
• Watch as Adam churns butter!
• Must suck to be that chicken. Again, PETA will not be amused.
• Wow - the feathers just magically come off.
• Another interesting fact: Chicken dinners today? A few times a week. Chicken dinners in the 1830's? A few times a year.
• He knows nothing about removing innards. Adam would make one crappy zombie.
• Spit take! It's rotisserie chicken, 1830's style.
• Aha, so make the employees eat unpasteurized meat and butter with their knives. Does their union know about this?
• Hey, um, didn't Leesa on TNFNS4 have to do that wine angel thing near the finale? Now Adam gets to be the first male wine angel. Talk about a glass escalator!
• I like heights - so long as I know I won't fall...
• Hey, um, he's kinda hot in that wine angel outfit.
• An unstable red? Dunno. But if anyone knows unstable, it's Adam. HI-HO!
• So, if you drop the $10,000 bottle of wine from the third story of that mammoth wine rack, does it come out of your pay?
• Find the correct bottle in three minutes or less for every person who orders wine? Suddenly, telling a cow to milk itself doesn't sound like such a bad job.
• Wouldn't it suck if the power went out?
  
• Okay - 1-3-5-740, 1-3-5-740, 1-3-5-740...
  
• Adam, you so crazy!
• I just realized I haven't seen any ugly stereotypes in this show. So it mustn't be a Gordon Elliott production. Of course, are there really any ugly stereotypes of "wine angels" or "New England farmers of the 1830's?" How about ugly stereotypes of goofballs?
• He is not drinking 140-year old wine. He's silly.

Coming up next... Ace of Cakes - Duff does a tiki cake. Mary Alice dishes the dirt on the Duffman's "selective memory." Johnny Dollar? I hope you're watching...

Aaron McCargo: Belated Review

Once Next Food Network Star 4 ended I pretty much tuned out, and never got around to watching Aaron McCargo's new show Big Daddy's House (all manner of NFNS4-related fun can be found at Food Network Addict). So now that I'm finally catching an episode, here are a few observations as I watch. Think of this as a "semi-live-blog".

• Aaron is re-doing family recipes like fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. I like the explanations of things. I know other chefs do it but it seems so new when Aaron does it.
• Aaron's father has more hair than either of his sons. Doesn't that usually work the other way?
  
• Why rinse off that raw meat? That E. coli can be fun!
  
• "I'M Big Daddy!" Yes, sure you are.
  
• He's not scared of that big camera-shaped object anymore. That's a nice start.
• I'e neer seen anyone on the Food Network cook with soda. Nope, not even Paula Deen. Wait - I stand corrected. Does remind me of my copy of Classic Cooking with Coca-Cola, which I lent to a friend of mine, Jeffrey. He was from Atlanta - the story goes that his family had stock in the Coca-Cola corporation. The first time it came up I told him I was a much bigger fan of Pepsi. He was too good natured to be annoyed, but I think he liked my lending him the cookbook. His family has much more money than mine (which is why he had a beach house in Huntington Beach), so he could buy his own damn copy. Jeff recently got married. He didn't invite me - bastard - but in fairness, he had no way to contact me, so I doubt it was personal.
  
• Mmmm. Fried chicken. Who says people from Jersey don't eat this stuff?
• Mmmm. Macaroni salad.
• Mmmm. Flour and hot grease. Hmmm - a good technique for telling how grease is hot by sticking a wooden spoon in (if the oil bubbles, it's ready). "Don't stick your finger in". God, Aaron, I'm not stupid. I discovered that out a few years ago.
• That chicken reminds me of a batch of Maryland Fried Chicken I made a few years ago in California. Was good. I could go for some right now.
• The onions are getting to him. Good time to cut to another scene!
• Way to get your hands covered with mayo. Another clue he gives the wary cook: use cold noodles for mayo-based salads.
• Whoa! It's (the macaroni salad's) MISSING something!? That's the first time I've heard that come out of any Food Network personality's mouth. Of course, the thing it was missing was the fried chicken.
• Aaaaah, a day at the beach. Erm, um, in the back yard.
• Apple cider-buttermilk sauce? I am intrigued. It's for...
  
• The ribs do look good. Listen to him - he's giving instructions on how to remove the bone.
• Aaron has now stolen La Paula's "Butter Queen" crown with his use of four sticks of butter for that corn.
• Raw chicken they ate at the beach as kids... ew.
• Curse you, damnéd Rachael Ray! I knew it had to end.
  

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NFNS4 Live-Blogging: Finale!

I have finally come to the end of this strange live-blogging enterprise, started a few months ago. An interesting, fascinating enterprise, starting halfway through Top Chef 4. Again, I can make no predictions. but according to the latest, totally unscientific poll I've had on this site all week, most visitors to this site think that Lisa is the most likely winner tonight. I kind of think so too, so I make a prediction (that could be totally wrong): Lisa takes it all tonight. She's had some control issues, but she's not afraid of anything camera-shaped (Aaron), nor do the judges doubt her passion (Adam). And they don't hate her either.

10:00 Oh my. Do we really need the retrospective?

10:02 Still with the recap!?!?

10:03 Okay, okay. Lisa Garza, Adam Gertler, Aaron McCargo, they're all passionate and proud, yadda yadda yadda, rubber baby buggy bumpers. We get it...

10:04 So far, almost as boring as the finale of Make Me A Supermodel!

10:05 Okay, down to the nitty gritty: the final challenge!

They will be creating their own, fully-produced demo pilot of their show, doing it on Rachael Ray's set.

And their producer? Gordon Elliot, the fey, the only, the English gentleman extraordinaire!

10:06 They need to put together a pitch. How about pouring boiling pitch over them instead? Oooh, mean of me. Sorry, could not help myself.

Lisa's pitch: Beautiful Basics and Plain & Simple. Well, she did say she wasn't a one-trick pony. Pretty damn all over the place. Seems more like a herd of ponies.

Gordonizing it: Greening it up!

10:07 Aaron's pitch: Uh, I forget. Something about accessibility.

Gordonizing it: Big Daddy's Kitchen!

10:08 Not a Sunny in Philadephia reference! He talks to people live on the web about food. Aren't they debuting a show like that this week?

10:10 And we start Lisa's pilot. Black cod with zabaglione and leeks, but accessible!

Ouch! It doesn't look easy at all. She's already cursing herself for not being perfect. Dude, only Maaahtha is perfect. Don't sweat it.

10:11 Third try was the charm.

10:12 Coming up: CAMERASAAAAAAAACKOHMYGODHELPMEIT'SACAMERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

10:13 Poll just closed. Here are the results:

Aaron	5 (29%)
Adam	3 (17%)
Lisa	6 (35%)
Who cares? I hate 'em all. Just get the damn show over with alright already!	3 (17%)

Yep, Lisa has it, though she certainly doesn't have a clear majority on this. It's Leese by a C!

10;15 This Hillshire Farm ad is amusing, no? Straight men should not be allowed to dress themselves. Sorry guys, you're just not very good at it.

10:16 And Adam does his pilot next.

Wait: They don't film it in Rachael's real home? Aw, come on!

So this is like a Danny Boome-meets-live cam thing. Beer chicken and garlicky green beans.

10:17 His name is now Hungry in Philadelpia now?

10:18 This has a strange Red Dwarf sort of feel. Hello, Hilly! Now all we need is Gordon to have a big shiny H implanted on his forehead.

10:19 Terrorist fist bump!

10:20 And now we have Aaron's promo. Ooooh, watch out, man. It's a camera!

And he's making steak and honey-glazed plantains and sautéed collard greens. Yum-o! Aaaaaaaaaugh! Aaron, don't do what I just did and lapse into Ray-ness.

10:21 Aaron is 105% certain that he messed up. I probably would be too. As for Gordon? Doesn't think he did so bad. Hasn't he been doing this for a few weeks now?

10:23 More Hillshire Farminess:




Okay, most straight guys don't know how to dress themselves, not all. Heterophobic comment - I'm sorry.

10:27 Ta-daaaaa! We knew Flay would be back! But wait - what the f*ck happened to Alton Brown? Wasn't he on this show at some point?

10:28 Lisa looks dazzling!

Aaron looks like he's ready to teach some math!

Adam: I love your shirt. Are you sure you're not gay, dude? Nah, probably not.

10:29 OooooOOOOoooh, all the rejects are back!

Wait, who's Kevin again?

Kevin, Corey, Jeffrey, Nipa, Jennifer, Shane, Kelsey - it's like the season finale of Doctor Who.

10:31 Lisa's demo:

She seems to be going smoothly so far. Although this isn't important, the col,or of the dress actually works in that kitchen. Loud, fun! She's doing a good job at multitasking. Damn, it looking easy. Woooooow...

How did she prepare those leeks again? Didn't catch. too busy typing.

Lisa looks pleased.

10:33: Line of the night "Accessorize the fish!" DRINK!
'
Take home message: screw you, Ray. I'm doin' fifteen-minute meals!

She gives all the credit to Gordon. Tuschie, Suze and Bobby, however, are impressed by La Garza.

10:37 And we're back with our finalists! So far, I still think Lisa will win, but we'll see...

Adam's pilot: Hungry in Philadelpia - that's his online name, ladies. Look for him!

And that patented Adam Gertler charm and smarm are comin' out full force. Crispy skinned beercan BBQ chicken. Sounds good. Not so impressed with Adam's outfit, but again he might need something to ground him and work to balance out his off-the-wall personality.

BTW: I can totally vouch for him on that smoked paprika. It is all I use paprika-wise anymore.

Silly dancing chicken dance. Oh, Adam, you so crazy!

10:41 I hate to admit this, but I actually laughed at that last part where he ate the chicken. oh my.

Oh, and Tuschie says that he has an ease in front of the camera. The judges finally see what they were looking for from Adam.

10:42 One more commercial break...before the next two.

10:45 And finally, Aaron's pilot. Hopefully he gets over his fear of the camera. It's Big Daddy's Kitchen...

10:46 Okay, now I got it - jerk ribeye steak with plantains. missed that before. I think the shirt is a little dull but hey, it grounds him, too. I love how excited he is about this food. Damn, man, if you're ill at east in front of the camera it sure as hell doesn't seem like it. Beautiful presentation. And I like that sarcasm in front of the camera.

He's finally overcome his fear of all things camera-shaped. Does he realize that? Maybe now!

10:49 The judges are impressed with Aaron - everything they've ever loved about him are back.

So final judgment: no disasters at all. In fact, these three have made it ridiculously difficult to declare a winner.

10:50 NOT THE CIRCLEBACK!!!

MID-GAME ANALYSIS - Fifteen minutes ago I was ready to call it for Lisa hands down. Now I am just befuddled. I cannot think of any negatives from any of these people. Feel free to snark if y'all do, but I was honestly pleased with Lisa, Adam and Aaron.

• Lisa seemed very engaged, maybe less engaged than the other two, but hers is the most professional and slick, in a good way.
  
• I love Adam's funniness and the idea of literally engaging viewers. Very witty, though maybe it could come off smarmy.
  
• Aaron? He's just come back and owned it. He is excited about his food. Too excited maybe?
  

I am trying to find negatives for these three but it's kind of a stretch.

10:55 The judges' assessment:

Adam: easy to watch, much changed from episode 1's "Chaos in the Kitchen"

Aaron: so much confidence! Food credibility shows, as does the passion. flay roots for him.

Lisa: so accessible it's amazing. Intriguing, knowledgeable, Flay looks forward to watching her.

So Tuschie brings it back to the first question: who is ready to start tomorrow?

10:56 FN Prez Brooke Johnson gives congrats to all three of them. But who will it be?

I have no fucking clue. Stephanie?

10:57 If anyone cries, someone's goin' doooooowwwnnn...

10:58 And the winner is... Aaron McCargo!

Now see, Aaron's wife and sister are dazzling us with their outfits. Aaron? You should've dressed a bit more festively for this big moment, dude. Dude!

10:59 Wow, they weren't kidding when they said "Can (s)he start next week?" were they? Aaron's show premieres next week!

11:00 And Ted Allen tackles subject matter that he seems to have forgotten was already covered on MythBusters and Good Eats. Will Top Chef let him come back? Ooooh, spicy food advice. Folks, use a base like bread or milk to counter the acid of the heat! At least it's as funny as those shows.

POST-GAME ANALYSIS - As I was watching this last hour, I was feeling kind of sorry for the two inevitable losers - whose identities I did not at the time know - because I really would have enjoyed watching each person's show. Hopefully we'll see Lisa and Adam again, somewhere. Though sadly, we've never seen any also-rans from this show before, have we? It's not like this is Project Runway, whose also-rans pop up on a regular basis (Did you see Austin Scarlett as guest host for the first episode this season? He didn't even make it to the finale of that show.) Even Top Chef brings its first, second and third runners up back on a regular basis.

Anyway, good luck to Aaron! I'll be looking forward to seeing Big Daddy's Kitchen. But I'm not live-blogging it. I'm not doing anything like that til the next season of Top Chef.

NFNS4 Live-Blogging: Ultimate Vegas Buffet

Ah yes, Las Vegas. City of buffets. At least, that's how I remember the massive one they had at the Aladdin (now the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino). So much! And all for just $21 (that was Thanksgiving of 2003). And if you work there, it's probably not that much at all. Of course, now they have some cruddy, "even more overpriced than normal since it's Vegas" Planet Hollywood menu. Yekhkh.

So our final three find themselves making buffets for Vegas' many casino employees. Ooooh, I wonder what Celine Dion will be having?

How about tonight's loser's head on a stick? The way things have been going I am just clueless about anyone's chances tonight. Adam was a sure thing to leave last week - and he's one of Paula Deen's favorites! Kelsey was oooh'd and aaah'd over for the last few weeks - and then she gets booted unceremoniously.

And now it's down to Adam, Aaron and Lisa. Each has unique problems, but I'm going to go out on a limb and make some predictions (which echo the ones I made last week, about this week). I have it broken down into pros and cons:

Most likely to leave tonight:
Adam

Pros: Winning personality; usually funny; food has been tasting better lately
Cons: Food still doesn't usually taste as good as what the others make; is a goofball; Tuschie doesn't like him; possibly nuts.

Most Likely First-Runner-Up:
Aaron

Pros: Did you see him make that chicken parmigiana in just 15 minutes!?; fans seem to adore him; food is tasty; makes French food (one of the three cuisines the Food Network is allowed to showcase on a regular basis) accessible to the masses
Cons: Did you see him forget to make that chicken parmigiana for the first 60 minutes of last week's challenge?; is deathly afraid of the camera.

Least Likely to lose:
Lisa

Pros: Feisty; somewhat more interesting than her competitors; food is usually tasty; has fewer problems than the men - not afraid of the camera (Aaron?), not prone to catastrophic mess-ups due to semi-hilarious comedic entrances (Adam?)
Cons: is more of a diva than the other contestants (though still not as much of one as this yutz:

Y'all knew you'd see him again at some point;

possibly nuttier than Adam (bloggers, apparently, have it in for her); not well-liked by fans or, again, bloggers
And: The whole "Lisa-won't-blog-no-more" thing - is she just hiding something about her possible win? (Or someone else's, maybe?)

But don't ask me about the odds. I think things will play themselves out this way over the next two weeks, but I haven't had the best track record. Too bad the folks at Fivethirtyeight.com aren't calling the odds on this instead of that other big contest, President of the United States.

9:58 Just catching the Mad Men marathon before the show starts. God, these people smoke too much.

10:00 I really, really don't think I can handle an hour of Guy Fieri.

10:01 Oh, I forgot: something they've never done before. now that I think about it, they probably won't be sending anyone home tonight.

I totally forgot Kevin was on the show.

10:02 Adam is so adorable in the morning.

And our finalists head to the Venetian, which - honest to God - truly does look like daytime inside all the time. It really looks like it's natural sunlight but it's not! I'm serious - go to Vegas, check into Circus Circus, and walk over to the Venetian to see it.

10:03 Aaron: "Promos!?!?!? ***HYPERVENTILATION***" DRINK!

10:04 Wine angels?

Lisa has been dragged to the Mandalay Bay. They're putting her in a ridiculous getup and hoisting her up on cables. Apparently she is afraid of heights.

10:05 How can I cook six peas in a penguin!? - half-remembered quote from "This Year's Model," the Season 3 episode of Family Ties where Elyse is filming a frozen dinner commercial

10:06 Lisa is not happy with her performance. C'mon Leese - why WOULDN'T anyone perform normally while suspended in the air grabbing wine bottles?

Aaron is in the New York New York casino, still hyperventilating about that big camera-shaped thing.

10:07 Quest que c'est "Night of the Living Dead"?

10:08 These tourists are staring at him like he has lobsters crawling out of his shirt. The last take was better.

Lie of the night - Aaron: "I have no more fears". Yeah keep tellin' yourself that.

10:09 Bally's has a casino?

The Jubilee Theater and two gorgeous Vegas showgirls await Adam with a tux. Frankly, he'd look funnier in the showgirl costume.

10:10 Line of the night: Adam: "...my show is handmade **BLEEP**"

Adam's a bit cockier than he should've been. Dummmb, da-dummmb-dummmb-dummmmmmmmmmmb.

10:12 I knew they fired that English guy from Dinner: Impossible! I'm not going crazy after all!

10:14 Damn, the Wynn is gorgeous! Another hotel I won't be staying at.

The challenge: each person must create his or her own buffet.

10:16 More to the point: cook for the employees and many Vegas chefs, in 6 hours, and a budget of $1,000. And shop at Whole Foods, which'll get them each three bags full of food!

10:17 Uh, Lisa, forgot something? Hope she caught, oh Lisa, um,... oh well.

10:18 And our sous-chefs are Mr. Lack of Personality, Ms. Perky-Personified and Jennifer. (No snappy nickname for her, already put her out of my mind.) Wait, didn't she get eliminated before Nipa? Guess somebody couldn't be bothered to come back...

10:19 Adam needs a smoker. Dude, just go to Mad Men. Even the kids smoke on that show, right?

10:20 And Lisa figures out what she left behind. It just dawned on me: couldn't the camera crew have been bothered to tell her she dropped something?

Coming up: Adam yells, Aaron laughs, Lisa sings, and some irritating kid in a tux and sneakers stands on a big red dot.

10:25 The finalists look so adorable in their dress whites!

10:26 Aaron has 100 pasta dishes on the menu?

My God, look at all this stuff they're making here. One thing is for sure: this is not Lisa's day. her pork crown is burned on the outside, but at least it ain't raw. Eggs, Adam?

10:27 Lisa's display is elegant, Adam's is over-the-top, and Aaron's... intimidated.

10:28 Pirates, drag queens, Spamalot cast, and the chefs of the Wynn Resort are all here. Folks, put on a show for 'em.

10:29 Lisa is trying out for the next Nashville Star (don't quit your day job, Wynonna). One knight is in shock. The food does look delicious.

10:30 Aaron? WTF? DRINK!

10:31 After crashing and burning, Aaron finally leaves the "comedy" to Adam, and introduces his buffet.

Aaron: Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again.

10:32 Adam could do a bag over his head and do better than that last bit (ouch). Instead Adam avoids being goofy and just yells a lot.

I wonder who got on Cher's bad side? You do not want to get on a drag queen's bad side, okay?

10:36 Wow. Vegas is weird.

God, Tony and Tina just can't stop bickering at each other even for a big buffet like this one.

Le Rêve: should anyone be forced to wear that around her neck?

A picture was linked here last night from a travel website, and the photographer was fully credited. The link has since been removed. Assuming it was done on purpose, to stop "copyright infringement" (or free publicity for the website and photographer), either the photographer or the proprietor of the website is an asshole. I have therefore happily removed the website's and the photographer's names from this blog post.

10:38 Tuschie (to Lisa): you can sing! (kinda)

Yep, I'd be most intimidated by the chefs, too.

10:39 As for the chefs assessment of the food:

Aaron's was boring.

Adam's buffet was the best, and most well-executed.

Lisa's? Did she run out?

10:40 Judges abo0ut Aaron:

Crabcake was great, but the salad was boring, strange, blah.

Magician makes cream pie disappear

10:41 Why don't you kiss them instead of talking them to death?

10:44 I'm still amazed that they want to win. I mean, who would've thought?

10:45 And now we're at Judges' Table:

Aaron: Promo had the flow, came a long way, but still some technical problems - until now

buffet: Whatever the hell that thing was before he served the meal fell hard and flat. As for the buffet? Pasta overkill, all overshadowed by those crabcakes. Not his best cooking moments tonight.

Lisa: Promo in the sky with wine! Hey, that looks like fun now that I think about it. At her best, she beams, and is her own worst competition.

As for the buffet: I'm sorry, the song annoyed me, but the buffet killed - in a good way! Guy got some of the dried pork.

Adam: Promo? Adam is pretty dashing in a tux (I bet he likes his dinner dates though). Sue thought his humor worked tonight.

And the buffet: he wasn't prepared for the presentation - he bored them. Now the food: put too much on his plate? Well, the pork and pizza worked well for him. The performers and chefs were most impressed by him of the three. Adam gets verklempt, Lisa and Aaron shoot darts at him. He feels incompetent next to Lisa and Aaron.

10:51 How much you wanna bet they send nobody home? That's what I think will happen: they send no one home. I'm just getting those Project Runway 3 vibes.

Oh, and did y'all know that the fifth season of Project Runway debuted this week? Neither did I! Now that PR is moving to Lifetime, Bravo is doing everything it can to send it out with a whimper.

10:56 Dramatic waiting scene

Judges' summary:

Lisa?
pro: confident,
con: likeable? Meh.

Aaron?

pro: you just like the guy
con: one really bad week

Adam?

pro: his food was, hands down, the favorite tonight.
con: Oh - it's Bobby that hates him. No, Tuschie. No, Guy. No, Suze.

Solution?

Frankenstar! Piece the best of each together!

10:59 I KNEW it! I just hope that none of them bitches about illegal stitch work.

POST-GAME ANALYSIS: I just knew they would do that. But I still like the idea of piecing the best of Lisa, Adam and Aaron together to create some weird Frankenchef. As long as they don't use Sandra Lee's liver - it must be shot to hell after all those "Cocktail Time" segments.

TNFNS4 Live-Blogging: Vegas Throwdown

Thunder is a-boomin' again tonight, and it's damn loud. So if there is no live-blog tonight, or if it stops abruptly midstream, you know why.

Since the judges keep pulling the rug out from under us, I'm just not bothering to predict a damn thing now. Predictions will come during the show...

10:01 Okay, yadda yadda yadda, just get it the hell over. Malaise is a-settin' in, y'all...

10:02 Talk about a red-eye flight! What,, is it 4:30 or something?

Ah, Southwest. The only airline that still doesn't even charge for two checked bags, much less one.

10:03 Uh, Kelsey, that ain't the real Caesar.

10:04 That table reminds me a wee bit of the Gershwin Hotel. Just silly fun stuff.

10:05 And fresh in from her gig in Tunica, Mississippi, is La Dean herself. Leese reminisces about her granny from the Volunteer State. DRINK if you don't know what state that is!

10:06 Paula: "Food brings people together, transcending: races, sexes, countries, religions, sexual orientations, height, even vegetarians and meat eaters!" A culinary UN. Join hands and sing "Kumbaya, My Lord!"

10:07 And El Flay makes 'em do some fucking throwdown. ***ROLLEYES***

Oh what's this? A 75 minute throwdown/interview!? Again, DRINK!

Dayna Devon, fresh in from The Soup Extra, gets ready to interview while Lisa and Adam have to make each other's dishes - Lisa makes Adam's mac and cheese, Adam makes Leese's cassoulet.

10:09 Adam = ChaOs! Lisa = Cassoulet! Mmmm, beans and sausage. Adam zhuzhes it up with several types of sausage and pestos.

Adam = Cassoul-aos?

10:10 Adam loves the boxed mac n' cheese, and so he tries to make his totally different (!?!?) DRINK! Lisa makes it her own by... um... making a goat cheese sauce with grilled poblano and tomato. Yep, SIMPLE!

10:11 And speaking of simple: Adam's making LOBSTER MAC! Sigh. DRINK!

10:16 Well, a good idea from Adam for a change: focus on the food. Hmmm, surprising.

Men can't do two things at once? Ha! Excuse me, Dayna, but... (stopping typing to look at the TV... What was I doing?

10:17 AND panko. I love panko, too, bud. I'd eat it every meal, well, cover everything I eat in it at least.

10:18 Lisa: Don't. Ever. Dance. Again.

10:19 Ooooh, NFNS4 pulls a fast one on us: Paula says she hates lobster mac n' cheese - but not YOURS, Adam!

10:20 Yikes - she really doesn't like Lisa's. Owwie.

Lisa has more luck with her cassoulet. Paula is verklempt. Ditto Bobby Flay. Northerners and Southerners love your cassoulet, Leese. It IS the meal of America! East of the Mississippi, at least.

Adam: your cassoulet sucks. Oh well!

10:22 I agree with Leese. She and Adam are on level ground - each excelled at his or her own dish, but loused up the other's.

10:26 And we are back. it's Kelsey and Aaron. Stuffed pork loin (Aaron's) and chicken parmagiana (Kelsey's). Actually, a rousing round of chess-boxing would be fun, too.

10:27 Aaron, um, buddy, don't bother with the sides. Uh, dear? Oh fuck it, he can't hear me anyway.

10:28 So, Kelsey pulls the old different-cut-of-meat trick. And Aaron further proves that ol' "men can't multitask" meme from 10:16.

10:29 wait, Aaron doesn't know what a chipotle pepper is? Well, it IS big n' bold, that's for sure. Kelsey goes for ittybitty and dainty.

10:30 Aaaand who's more annoying: Kelsey or Extra's Danya Devon?

WTF? Fifteen minutes before the end of the 75-minute challenge, and Aaron is the very last person to realize that he forgot to do the chicken. This is worth a whole page of

DRINK!!!!!

I guess men really can't multitask!

10:32 Of course, the real irony of that Budweiser ad is that the company is now owned part-and-parcel by a Belgian country. Maybe it won't taste like piss now?

10:34 God puts them back on almost even footing by making Kelsey overcook her chicken parm. "LOOK BOBBY I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! ***BIG GRIN***" DRINK!

10:36 Well well well, Aaron finished the chicken in time after all!

Let's see how the judges liked the chicken parm...

Kelsey: chicken parm satay!

Aaron: garlic cream sauce chicken parm.

Kelsey's sauce pleases Bobby. Suze looks happy. Paula notes its appetizer-like ittibittiness. Aaron, on the other hand, whipped up a soul-satisfying chicken parm in just fifteen minutes! Eat that, Rachael Ray!

10:38 Kelsey's and Aaron's pork go in different directions. Aaron's is sweet and heat, Kelsey's is restauranty. Oh, was her pork what was overcooked? It's incredibly small, that's for sure.

10:39 And Kelsey's meat was fugly. Just smack her why don't ya?

10:40 Okay, so where are we now? well, let's assess:

Lisa and Adam: pretty even. Each had one fabulous dish, and one sucky dish. Paula said she hated Lisa's mac n' cheese, and everyone agreed Adam's cassoulet was "beginner-y". I'll say they're even. I just don't know how they'll be assessed on these guys' personalities.

Kelsey: Both of her dishes were weak and petite. Tasty, but...

Aaron: just wiped the floor with her. And he almost forgot one of his dishes. And that was even without multitasking. And with one hand tied behind his back! And without anyone to tell him what chipotle is!

As for personality: I don't think Aaron made a good or bad impression on the judges, but Kelsey seemed to look amateurish to them again.

So I think the likeliest to go home tonight is Kelsey, followed by either Lisa or Adam. Aaron, I think, is safest of these four, despite his forgetting the chicken parm.

10:44 And we are at judges' table...

10:45 And "Garza vs Gertzler" are up. Adam's best dish ever was his lobster mac n' cheese. Lisa's energy was very go-getter-y, but not for her mac n' cheese.

Cassoulet: represents Lisa perfectly, while Adam makes cassoulet porridge. Mmmm. Cue the rain of bears.

Personality wise? Lisa is nervous making. Adam = ungracious? I didn't get that. Well okay, he didn't look up. Ah, so his humor needed to be there.

10:47 And then they inquire about his viewpoint. And there's Tuschie's critique: you have no passion, dude.

Kelse vs Aaron: Pork-wise, Aaron's pork was beautiful, Kelsey's not so much. threw her POV out the window.

Chicken parm? Kelsey made it cooked and crispy, but the sauce didn't go with it. Aaron's? Chicken was cooked perfectly. I KNEW Aaron would be... oooooh, Aaron's performance was sucky.

Dude: talk and cook at the same time, not talk, stop, cook, stop, talk, stop, cook, stop. I'm painting my living room while I type this, man. Look at me! I'm multitasking!

10:50 Kelsey: "Well this one time? At culinary camp?" DRINK if you can't figure out that reference without cheating...

And self-critiques all around.

10:51 Let me guess: circle back.

I hate circle back.

10:52 Y'know, I'm just thinking back to Aaron's forgetting the chicken dish. It's just amazing how he not only pulled it out of the fire, but so perfectly. Of course, since he fears the camera and can't talk while cooking, it may all be for naught.

10:54 Okay, now I'm kind of clueless. I truly have no idea who is going home. I no longer think Aaron is safe, that's for sure. Nope, any one of these bozos could go bye-bye. So I'll just pick a random name and say, er, um, Kelsey!

10:55 And now the problems with our final four:

Lisa: IS LIKE ROBOT CONTROL FREAK

Aaron: Great until he's in front of a camera. What's the point of having your own TV show then?

Kelsey: PERSONALITY!!! Crispy, too.

Adam: Learning on their dime. Bob thinks he's dispassionate about food.

10:56 And Aaron is safe first, followed by Lisa. Didjeridoo music sends them off for some strange reason.

10:57 I think it might be Adam now. He's overdue and Bob don't like him.

10:58 And I shoulda stuck with my first guess. I lose whenever I play along in the car with NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! too. Kelso walks off with a perky smile and a chirpy crispiness! And hey, she got to the final four.

10:59 Aaaaand the final free, er, three, psychoanalyze themselves.

11:00 And next week our last three eliminees are brought back as sous chefs. Looks like a buffet for Vegas workers.

And a first in the history of the show? Let me guess: they're not eliminating anyone, right? Please Sue, Project Runway pulled this in Season 3.

POST-GAME ANALYSIS: Did I not say a few weeks back that Aaron was going to the finals? I did! Still not quite sure how Adam made it there. But seriously, with all the problems Aaron has on-screen, I just don't see him winning.

So my assessment for the final three is as follows:

FIRST ELIMINEE - Adam
THEN GOES - Aaron
AND OUR WINNER IS - Lisa

And she didn't even have to mention those pesky Three C's.

Now excuse me: I'm watching The Soup.

TNFNS4: Into the Studio

Or "The One Where Adam Got Sent Home" (mark my words).***

I really should have turned this into a drinking game. But I just haven't bothered to outline how! So some rough guidelines:

Once for any time somebody says something stupid (like TC4 Andrew's "culinary boner" comments)
Once for any time somebody does something stupid (like Jen's christening the one-hour turducken last week)
Thrice for any time Lisa mentions the "Three C's" (she hasn't done this since episode one, so the rare Three C reference merits that much)
Once for each time a contestant cries (It's a show, people.)

Feel free to add your own!

And now, the festivities...

10:00 BTW, I think the most likely eliminees tonight are as follows:

1. Adam
2. Aaron
3. Lisa
4. Kelsey
5. Shane

How close will I get tonight?

10:01 Uh-oh, just heard thunder. This might not get through to the end here. Stay tuned...

10:02 Whoa, Lisa, what the hell was that on your head? No drink.

OMG - Adam wants to get to the final four? You're kidding.

10:03 Bobby has a secret spy message from Agent 30, er, Rachael Ray. They are cooking for the Rachael Ray show. Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!

10:04 Captain Obvious Statement of the Show goes to Aaron: "I have a problem in front of the camera." Er, drink?

Double uh-oh: Brownie Troop 2113 is tasting tonight!

10:05 This must be these kids' wildest fantasies: make what these kids love. Er, what is with this kid that likes broccoli and pizza?

10:06 Okay Kelsey they want you to be an authority but you didn't have to call her a shrimp!

10:06 Lisa, why don't you just speak ONLY in French to the kid? Call 'em haricots verts till the cows come home, but to everybody else they are fucking green beans! DRINK! (UPDATE - Okay, to the kids at least they are. And me.)

10:07 DRINK! Adam admitted he is still mentally trapped in childhood.

Meanwhile Shane is having absolutely no luck with this kid. There goes that lucrative career as a fourth grade teacher!

10:08 Kelsey is aiming to lose the quickfire by making crap that a college student would normally eat. Didn't look appetizing. Aaron's broccoli-burger pita pizza looks better.

Adam's BBQ-packed spinach pita might actually not be a bad idea after all. The second thing that the judges don't spit out?

10:09 Flatiron steak with horseradish sauce is Lisa's choice. I totally agree that you should not dumb down your food for children. But something just tells me that these girls are not going to eat anything covered in horseradish sauce.

10:11 Coming up: Tuschie rips Lisa and Shane each a new hole - but as quietly and reservedly as possible.

10:13 I wish I had something like that Fivethirtyeight.com to tack how the different Next Food Network Star contestants were doing. And Kelsey is polling high in North Dakota, but can she pull off a win over Shane in Maryland? We'll see...

10:15 Now the gang head on over to EVOO Studios for a little pep talk and a friendly giggle.

Sweet Jesus, she has an organization called "Yum-O"!? I felt this one coming: DRINK!

10:16 Aaron, dude, everything makes you nervous. Michaela will help you though.

As much as I can't stand La Ray, I do admit this is a great idea - cook a dish in under four minutes, with a kid. Just don't keep your back to the camera. Or the kid - you should've seen the messes I made in the kitchen when I was nine!

10:17 Dang, it actually looks pretty good. I think Aaron is overcoming his on-screen jitters. That's what he needs: a Girl Scout next to him as his itty bitty sous chef. The judges agree: Aaron is in the moment, and he is back on his game. He's not going home.

10:18 Okay, I know I am not the only one thinking this will be the Battle of the Annoying Food Network Stars. I'm just sayin'.

10:19 Kelsey goes for the Paula/Ina moment with just a bit o' butter. Kelsey defers to sous chef Demetra and, er, talk her thorugh this. It would look more appetizing but the yogurt looks, um, not like yogurt to me.

Meatballs AND eggs AND bananas with yogurt? Dear Lord, it's brunch!

10:21 Well YEAH, Kelsey, delegating the cooking duties isn't the best way to do that segment.

10:22 Based on the preview of the next three contestants, if they actually air this episode of The Rachael Ray Show I might actually break down and watch it (which would be a first). More for the MST3K value of the experience, mind you.

10:26 You're ta-kin' his, you take Shane's self-con-tro-hole... Shane is so engaged with the food - and so ignoring Francesca. She certainly looks like she's enjoying herself. I can picture him in the kitchen with his future daughter-or-son: "Okay, sweetie, come watch Daddy cook!"

10:28 Dang, Rachael really is a charmer with the kids, yes?

Francesca: "I **SNIFF** want **SNIFF** to **SNIFF** go **SNIFF** home **SNIFF**"

10:29 And now Lisa comes to teach this kid a graduate seminar on haricots verts and horseradish cream sauces. At least she prepped it before. "Kid, you just go ahead and dump it in that bowl there. Just make a big mess!"

10:30 Oh my word, that look on Lisa's face just screams "I WILL KILL YOU ALL".

10:31 Couscous really is a kid-friendly dish, no? And Lisa also made a hell of a lot of stuff. Wow.

10:33 So far I think the contestants rank like this (the first being the most likely to go home tonight:

1. Kelsey (wow, way to fall from last week, dude)
2. Shane (you too)
3. Aaron
4. Lisa

Where will Adam squeeze himself into that line-up?

10:35 Looks like Ted Allen has forsaken Bravo for an Alton Brown-esque gig on the Food Network. The man is adorable, no?

10:36 And it's Adam and Shanasia. Oh how cute - he's her sous chef. Way to blame the kid, man. Real class.

Oh my, he's engaging. And in a good way. And look how he's utilizing that sous chef. Could Adam be saving his hairy little butt tonight?

10:37 What kid likes spinach? Does Shanasia get a spinach merit badge for that?

10:38 Damn, Adam, I am amazed! This time last week if someone had told me, "No, Adam will pull it out of the fire and do well next week," I would've called you a fool. AND he made something that was edible, too!

10:39 And the next challenge will take the final four finalists to Vegas! So who ain't goin' to Vegas? Well, my money is on either Kelsey or Shane. Which surprises me, considering how much the judges ooh'd and aah'd over them these last few weeks.

Even more surprisingly, I think Adam might actually win tonight.

10:44 The judges are grinning. No, more so than normal.

10:45 And now the judges' comments:

Aaron: Turn your back on the audience and you make us MAD! At least you pulled it out in the end. He worked it like a pro, dude.

Adam: For a change, it tasted good. And Bobby still makes the "How much do you actually know about food?" comment - and everybody glances at him. Maybe it was too little too late?

Kelsey: Be more authoritative does not mean, "COOK FOR ME NOW!!!" You have all the authority of a TA on her first day of school.

Shane: If your kid was so shy, why did you feel the need to ignore her? Technical-yet-joyless. Ah, just like home, right Shane? Take-home message: technique still can't be soulless.

Lisa: Blah blah blah, something in French.

Lisa: "The kid told ME 'I want couscous' as soon as I told her to. So SNAP! back atcha, beeyatch!" **cocks head in confrontational way**

OMG the look on that Brownie's face was priceless. The one where Lisa is ranting on "I LOVE YOU!" like a deranged Barney.

I'll have to wait for Minx to put up a picture of it. Until then, here's one I have found on the internet just now to demonstrate:

Photo "buggy eyes" from Flickr user anitacanita. All rights reserved

10:54 Those guys from that TLC show are gay, aren't they?

10:55 Okay, I think Kelsey or Shane is going. Probably Shane. Yep, Shane.

Aaron and Adam are the first who are safe!

And now it's down to Lisa, Kelsey and Shane:

Kelsey: I'm empassioned? And I can inspire? (College accent, hence the question marks)

Lisa: Didn't catch that.

Shane: I have a ton of inspiration. No, really, I do!!! Why is that so hard to believe!?

10:57 Kelsey: has less authority and more passion.

Shane: Has more knowledge and zip/zero/zilch life experience.

Lisa: Apparently they think she is evil. Can she go the distance?

I still think it's Shane.

10:58 The next to move on is... Lisa. She's speechless and teary. DRINK!

And the last one to Vegas is... Kelsey.

Sorry dude. Shane seems disappointed. But I can't really tell.

10:59 And so our final four are goin' to Vegas where they meet up with Paula Deen. I was wondering when she'd show up.

11:00 What's with all the bees?

POST-GAME ANALYSIS - Wow. I was so wrong about how tonight would turn out. How I thought people would do at the beginning, from best to worst, actually wound up going the other way. Last week's Wonder Twins were this week's bottom two, while last week's guys-who-just-missed-getting-kicked-out were the first two to get the great news. I really don't know how next week will turn out. But mark my words: the person going home will be... get ready for it... a human.

Well that narrows it down to, oh, everybody. But you can't say I'm wrong, can you?

*** From the top of the post: Yes, I was wrong. Don't mark my words after all.

NFNS4 Live-Blogging: Enticing and Easy with Bon Appétit

I may be off by an ep or two, but by my estimation we're about at the halfway mark with The Next Food Network Star. Last week we lost the divalicious Nipa. Based on how our remaining lovely contestants have been doing, this is my best guess at who is ripe for elimination, starting with the most likely:

1. Jen

Oh yeah, it's time.

2. Adam

The charm is wearin' thin. Just as an aside: anyone notice how he's been fully clothed as of late?

3. Shane

It's either him or Lisa in the No. 3 spot. I still think Shane is in more danger. Lisa may have done some goofy things lately (high heels and a $300 used blouse while running around a messy kitchen), but I still get the "He's just not good enough to stick around to the end" vibe from the judges.

4. Lisa

I don't know. I just have this feeling she's less likely to go home than Shane. Call it a hunch.

5. Kelsey

Annoying, yes, but the judges have just gone apeshit over her lately!

6. Aaron

Last week was a fluke. He's going to the finale.

Another aside: when you Google "next food network star 4" (not in quotes), this blog is the sixth webpage listed, specifically my analysis of the June 22 episode. Nifty!

10:00 It still makes me squeamish to see Nipa get so grossed out over touching raw seafood. Just kidding - it's hilarious!

10:01 And Adam works out for us. It's finally hit him like a rubber chicken that he needs to go ixnay on the apstickslay

10:03 And it's Cat Cora! Today's quickfire challenge: create an original dish from the ingredients in a pic-a-nic basket in front of you and describe it on camera.

I'm not going to begin describing what they're doing and what they're doing it with - too fast!

10:04 Was Kelsey's hand bleeding into the pan? That was weird.

Ah, so these guys have to find better, more literary ways to describe their food. Is this one of those "What does purple taste like?" exercises?

10:05 I see. They're describing somebody else's dish. Evil, Cat, evil. But they get to taste it and look at it first.

10:06 Kelsey: Mmmm! It's like roast beef and mashed potatoes and gravy and blueberry pie! And why am I turning blue, er, red? And sweating like this OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!! That's habanero flank steak for ya'. DRINK!

10:07 Shane has cod and fennel. Did anyone else think it looked mucous-y to them?

10:08 Adam and Aaron do each other's dishes. Adam goes first with Aaron's delicious cake. Beautiful was a good adjective to use. No, DON'T stuff half the cake in your mouth, dude! ***EYES ROLL*** Oh, and DRINK!

10:09 Aaron's not such a big fan of Adam's Dried Shit Ache Mushrooms.

10:10 Lisa's doing well with Jen's pork and mango. She really likes it. I actually think she did okay. This is something Lisa is working on, but she strikes Cat as a phony. Like, oh ma GO-od!

10:11 Like, I think this is linguine. What the hell is this thing on my plate? Mmmm.

Yup, Jen's goin' home tonight. DRINK for every thing she does to foreshadow it.

10:12 Wow, Shane won, because he best described the ingredients.

"But wait, you have yet another challenge" - No, Chef Cora, say it ain't so!

10:16 And now the elimination challenge. Adam channel his mom for the following:

Take a gourmet dish and translate it for the average home cook, from bag to table in 45 minutes

They have to choose one of the following to make in 45 minutes, with a separate side dish:

beef wellington, coq au vin, and turducken, each of which takes a very long time to make.

Shane and Kelsey are working together, as are Adam and Aaron, and Lisa and Jen. Shane gets to choose everybody's dishes since he won the first challenge. Oh, and the winners of this challenge get their creations in Bon Appétit Magazine! (Edited, conveniently, by Cat Cora)

10:19 Lisa curses the day Shane was born. Lisa (to Shane): Bitch, you goin' doooooooooown...

Good for Adam: he plans to listen this time.

10:20 Ouchie! Lisa does not want Jen around since she sucks. "NOBODY be walkin' all over JEN!"

10:21 Fun in the kitchen! Coq au vin takes two days to make (note to self: try to make it sometime). Aaron has a sick feeling about Adam's bad timing issues, so raw chicken breast on the bone?

10:22 Guess who got it right? Yep, Aaron. Smack that man, Aaron! But only after you deal with your own polenta issues. Oops, again, the polenta was Adam's mess.

10:23 Aaron: "The plates look disgusting" as if they've been plated by a three-year old. C'mon, Aaron, be generous! That's first-grader quality you're lookin' at.

10:27 Aaron: "Adam and I 'reinvented' coq au vin in 45 minutes." You could say that...

10:28 So for their coq au vin, Aaron describes it and Adam talks about how he feels about it. Aaron wants to tear his head off.

10:29 Kill him, Aaron, kill him. The guest judge said that Aaron looked nervous, and the polenta looked like scrambled eggs. Kinda snotty I think. Hey, the second thing tonight that looks like mucous. DRINK!!!

10:30 Turducken in 45 minutes? Yes, when you use chicken medallions for the outside and chicken sausage inside! Jen curses over gourd medallions. Oh shoot, did she just break that bottle over the food!?!? DRINK!!!

10:31 Lisa loves that glass-coated turkey! Mmmm! Say, what's that proteiny flavor in my mouth? Tastes like blood. Sadly that's the only flavor it has.

10:32 Lisa plates aaaaaaaall byyyyy heeeeer-er-er-er-er-seeeelf!

10:33 Now this wasn't what I was thinking about Leese, but they told her that she had to be less domineering and bossy. I know what y'all must be thinking. I didn't say it! I just think that's a rude thing for the judges to say.

10:34 Damnit I have to see Adam Roberts' FN Dish some time! It's probably better than this show.

10:35 Oh, looks like the Food Network has its own little quarterlife series with Ask Aida!

10:36 Why doesn't anyone just call a fucking green bean a green bean?

10:37 And the hour turducken with squash becomes a tur-cken with green beans. Dry and boring, but it's better than bleeding all over your food.

10:38 And the young'uns attack beef wellington. Shane wrings hands over his creamed pearl onions and Kelsey annoys some roasted veggies.

Love those plates, though. And these guys actually look to be the most on top of things of anyone. Guess lack of experience doesn't necessarily mean you suck after all!

10:40 Visually disgusting, though the fillet was tasty and cooked well. Long story short: it tastes better than it looks!

10:44 I have revised my list of who's most likely to go home tonight. Based on how things are going so far:

1. Jen
2. Adam
3. Aaron
4. Lisa
5. Kelsey
6. Shane

Let's see...

10:45 So how do the judges feel?

Shane & Kelsey - For the quickfire, Kelsey only discusses the taste (you nothing, you). Kelsey is too pixie-like to be authoritative. And shut up about culinary school! You still sound like a student! For Bon Appétit, again it was ugly but delicious.

10:47 Jen & Lisa - Jen doesn't seem to know her noodles, her anything about the food. Really, does anyone want a chef that has no idea what the hell her ingredients were? And they had to throw away the duck confit, again Jen's fault. Lisa has a moment, and the judges give her that pep talk. Presentation-wise: Jen exuded confidence.

10:49 Aaron & Adam - Aaron didn't do too well describing Adam's dish, apparently. As for the coq au vin, what the hell do you think they'll do in 45 minutes with a two-day dish? Adam is still here solely on the basis of his personality. Dude, your food sucks. As for Aaron, he is self-editing. Use words that the hoity toity chefs don't understand! Even if they have to replay them during that stupid Circle Back moment.

10:52 Hmmm, I'm starting to think they'll send Adam home instead, based on that "Your food just is not good" comment that Tuschie made. Still, losing half your dish because you broke a glass bottle of juice over it? That's knuckle-headed-ry in action for ya!

10:53 Can it be said again that Duff does in fact rock? He follows this episode.

10:55 Okay, I still stand by Jen being the one kicked out this week. But if I'm wrong then it will definitely be Adam. Jen or Adam, but more likely Jen - that's my prediction.

10:56 And now the moment of truth... First, Barbara Fairchild and Chef Cora choose Team Shane and Kelsey as the winners. Did anyone not see this coming?

10:57 Lisa is also safe, as is Aaron.

10:58 And it's down to Adam who has given them one good dish. One. And to Jen, who has no expertise at all!

10:59 Wow, I was right for a change! Adam is safe for just one more week, as for once Jen is the one receiving the apologies instead of giving them.

And it really sucks for the final five, as they have to spend airtime with Rachael Ray on her syndicated show. Seriously, I'd jump out a window. Okay.

11:00 And Duff talks about Guy Fieri (pronounced the Bawlamoronic way, Fi-air-ee, instead of Guy's way, Fi-Eddie) coming to Charm City for Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, while Duff brings a massive guitar-shaped cake to Paula Deen and she... no, I'm tired of the frying jokes. She did not fry the cake. But I bet y'all could've seen that wisecrack coming! Question though: to get to Savannah's most famous chef, why does Duff have to go north?

POST-GAME ANALYSIS - I've read many a mean-spirited comment about Jen. I even got an anonymous comment that said some stuff I really didn't want to print about her (maybe if the post hadn't been anonymous, since some of you probably know my policy on negative anonymous comments*). But it was indeed time for her to go home. Her and Adam - in fact, I would've been fine with the judges kicking them both out tonight. I'm really wondering how Adam has stuck around for so long. Ah well - maybe he'll shape up by next week? Who knows?

*Negative comments are fine. Anonymous comments are fine. Negative anonymous comments are not fine - back up what you have to say with an identity!

Next Food Network Star 4 Live-Blogging: Being an Expert

Ah, settling back into the swing of live blogging, after a busy weekend of... okay, it wasn't that busy. Mostly spending quality time with my new cassette to MP3 device, though today's Charm City Pride Festival was a bit exhausting - fun, but my ears still hurt from some of the more off-key performing artists. Plus a mediorce tilapia soft taco for lunch and meeting a date for pretty decent sliders for dinner at Rocket 2 Venus all lead me to this conclusion: I'm in no mind to be an expert on food right now, but I will be anyway.

Talk about an awkward and quite forced segue.

Tonight's drink of choice: Qīngdǎo, China's most famous import to the US, Tsingtao Beer, which tastes a bit sour. I bet that miracle fruit would work wonders on it.


10:02 Adam seems surprised that Tyler Florence is in the house. This is a Food Network show, dude.

10:03 The "quickfire"-type challenge requires the boys and girls to show their culinary expertise. Adam is confronted with an artichoke and he has to do something with it on camera in 60 seconds. He he he he heh.

Wow, way to destroy that lemon. That Florence calls the technique "a little sloppy" is just, well, diplomacy in action!

10:04 Aaron is at ease with pineapple garnishes - just not quick with 'em. 0 for 2?

10:05 Great - give Miss "I'm Not Annoying" the rack of lamb to deal with in one minute.

Floboy likes her energy - the best so far!?!?

10:06 Apparently, Shane Lyone, as we know, is all about technique. I did not get this memo. But I didn't know one way or the other, y'know, so fuck it.

Yikes! Nipa gets squid, which is not exactly her area of expertise.

I could really go for some calamari right now. For someone who has never dealt with squid, I don't think she did too horribly.

10:08 Aaaaaand Lisa must truss a chicken. There are so many smart-ass remarks I could make right now, none having to do with Lisa, mind you. But I won't.

Lisa isn't engaging, it seems.

10:08 What the hell is that? Oh duh, it's an urshtur, hon!

10:09 Line of the night comes from Jen: "I'm very, very sensitive to oysters." DRINK!

Don't apologize to the camera, Jennifer!!! DRINK AGAIN!

10:10 I'd suggest she apologize to the urshtur but she seems beside herself as it is. Ah, these people take this too damn seriously.

Who won, Tyler? Based on communication with the camera, it's Miss "I'm Not Annoying"! How many of you are drinking right now?

10:11 Coming up: is Lisa drunk?

10:15 So this Cooking for Real show is all about Seven Layer Aztec Dip?

10:15 "Well you know my name is Michael Simon, and I like to cook real fast!"

10:16 Today's challenge - pick one fish to make two special menu items for the Red Lobster menu, and add icky non-seafood-y items to it, like the following (one DRINK per each):

• white chocolate
• Fruit Loops
• marshmallow creme
• caramel cubes
• etcetera, etcetera, gag, gag
  

This is a hateful challenge. Funny too!

10:18 Aren't Nipa's reactions just hilarious? She hates touching raw, dead whole fish! Any bets on her odds for making it to next week?

Shane - marshmallow creme and sole!?!?

Lisa's Arctic char and coffe beans is not as weird, though Adam's halibut and caramel cubes might be pushing it. Oh dear lord!

Kelsey's tilapia and white chocolate dish can't be much worse than that tilapia taco I had today at Pride.

Nipa mixes trout and jelly. I don't honestly think the woman will make it through filleting the fish.

10:21 While Jen preps her beer-battered mahi mahi in cereal crust, Aaron blinks his eyes and makes something perfect. Hey, I've used soda as a marinade, just not with cod.

10:26 I hate Red Lobster.

I hope none of these people gets seasick too easily. But hell, they did cook on a moving train so how bad can this be?

10:27 The Perkstress is first up! And here she is makin' tilapia and white chocolate for the judges and thirty Coast Guard members. And if she annoys them, they'll kick her ass.

I don't know why, but for some reason she's annoying me. The eaters like the dish though.

10:29 Adam is next, and plans to trip over that step, not realizing how bad that can be for presenting your food.

What the hell - DRINK!

10:30 This yutz is a comedian?

And Bob remarks at how fishy the fish tastes. Which is odd, since it's, y'know, fish.

10:31 Well it's too late, ba-by, no-ow it's too late... to de-sweeten the fish. Any anti-miracle fruit out there?

Imagine all the stuff the Coast Guard goes through - are these people really going to be scared by Fruit Loops?

10:33 OMG MONSTER FRUIT LOOPS INVADING FROM THE SKIES!!! CALL DOCTOR WHO!

10:35 Phew, false alarm...

10:36 It just dawned on me: since these dishes must all be Red Lobster-accessible, they don't actually have to be that good. So nobody really has anything to worry about!

Did she just say Bollywood dancing? Oh dear, she did.

Coming up: a ten-minute production number about how dry Nipa's fish is!

10:37 Lisa is funny! Even sadder when you consider that she wore expensive clothing in an environment where food is known to splatter.

10:38 Is Leese going for the sympathy-from-the-judges-and-vets vote by mentioning her brother in Iraq? Just curious.

10:39 Shane actually seems the most at ease to all the judges. Hmmm...and his food actually did go over okay.

10:40 The first time in the season where Aaron struggles in any way, shape or form.

Damn, I didn't expect them to say his cod was "a big mess" - apparently, he did...

10:44 And now it's judges table... and what do these dirty louses have to say?

10:45 And now, the judges...

Lisa: connect with the camera. Your Iron Chef moment? Not exactly "Mr. and Mrs. America" ribstickin' Red Lobster crap. Sorry, Leese. But at least you lit up the room!

Shane: convinced them that he knew he was doing. For the mains: sounds disgusting, but oh were they impressed!

Adam: OMG they liked his quickfire!?!? They had to spit out what he made for the main challenge. Bit off more than he could chew. And the presentation was abadeeabadeeabadee that's ALL folks!

Nipa: Squid is not your thing, right. So fake it! And familiarize yourself with the seafood, Neepe! Tandoori and jelly-cilantro trouts? Overcooked, though the prep offended Symon. The Bollywood bit: overreaching. Don't dance ever again.

Kelsey: We love you, girl! You da man! You da man! You da man!

Aaron: Aaron disappointed with his food. Whoa - he looks surprised, as most NFNS4 bloggers will be when I read their posts.

Jen: STOP APOLOGIZING! And stop being sorry for apologizing!

10:51 And that stupid, fucking Circle Back. I have a much meaner name for it but it'd be rude to call it that.

10:52 Station break: kittens being cute!



10:54 I apologize for that last bit. That's what a Tsingtao will do to you when you're antsy.

10:55 And the winner of the "My food made it onto Red Lobster's crappy menu!" award is Kelsey!

10:56 After Lisa and Shane are also sent off into "One More Week" land, the remaining contestants are confronted:

Jen, you are safe for now. I'm sorry.

Aaron: you sucked for once, but you get to stay, too. Aaron has his touching moment.

10:58 And it's down to Nipa and Adam. I think Nipa probably should go home - fish, eww - but I just have this feeling it's Adam.

10:59 Again, my Next Food Network Star-dar sucks. Adam is staying around. Again, his speedo-clad butt is around for one more week. But Nipa says she didn't really want to win it anyway.

11:00 And they're shilling Kelsey's dish for Red Lobster already!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS - This was a week when a few consistent duds shone - Kelsey! Shane! - while a few shining stars, well, didn't shine too bright - Aaron!?!? And then there were a few folks that are just descending into madness, like Adam and, sadly for her, Nipa. Early on this season I thought Nipa showed lots of promise, but she did some yutzy things that I only noticed after everybody else. Again, the promise of a South Asian-themed show on Food Network blinded me to Nipa's occasional flakiness and divalicousness. Sadly, it was too much to overcome.

So Bob, when are you going to have any kind of Asian-themed show on your bloody network? Don't blame it all on Nipa!

Next Food Network Star 4 Live-Blogging: You...in a Jar! (or Stupid Technical Issues)

Stupid f#cking computer problems have kept me from live blogging for this first half hour. It's a bit late going in, but I'll comment on a few silly things from the first half as I live blog the second.

Five silly things about this episode, first half:

1. I wasn't really impressed by what anyone said or did for the first part - take a potato and show the audience what they could do with it in just 30 seconds. That's thirty seconds, Lisa.

2. Mashed potato pizza!?!? OMGWTFMPP

3. Juuuuuuuuuuust keep talkin', Leese.

4. Adam's fully clothed outta bed for once. Good goin', man!

5. Shane: I can show you how to make vichyssoises exciting - add mushrooms!

?

The crowd goes wild. Yay.

6. Mashed potato pizza!?!?

And now, part two...

10:26 The chefs du jour have to create their own packaged product. Who wouldn't want to seal these people up in a jar? Like, forever?

10:27 Nipa's is the most work? Just cayenne and sugar! Lots of work!

Don'tcha just wanna smack Kelsey? "I'm so PERKY!"

10:28 Lisa: I know the answers because I have the "three C's". C'mon, Lisa, you just know you wanted to say that.

10:29 I forget who suggested this, but they're right: Jeffrey is the token gay.

And of course the viewing audience had no clue that Martha Stewart would show up this week! Unless, of course, they saw the preview last week.

10:30 And I now officially hate Adam. Get up, boy!

10:34 Wanna pop someone's bubble? Bring in Maaaahtha!

10:35 Lisa: "I worship Martha Stewart." Yeah but will kissing up really work?

Oh God, I feel a "three C" mention coming on! Thanks for nipping that in the bud, Martha.

10:36 Martha just doesn't know how to not cut you off.

Jen: "It's a little thick." Like you? Ohhhhh, snap!

10:37 So far it's Aaron's dish she likes.

"Sloppy Jane?" Pleasepleasepleeeeeeeese smack her, Martha Stewart!!!

10:38 And Da Adam G decides to serenade Ms. Thang.

My name is A-DAM! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)
And I'm a big FOOL! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)

But at least he got everyone else in the room to laugh.

10:39 And Martha's assessments?

Shane: "He's a nice guy" OUCH!

Adam's song: performing was fun. Something tell s me he ain't goin' home this week.

Lisa: She sure knows her way around food!

Aaron: pleasant presenter

Nipa: I don't get it as an important product.

Jen: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jeffrey: Seasoned salt?

Kelsey: Sloppy Joe? Ick!

10:40 Coming up: GOD, people, she may be at "one name" status now, but she's not God, or Oprah!

10:44 Line up, everybody! It's chorus line time! (Oh shit, forgot about the Tonys!)

10:45 - 10:51 And now for assessments:

Shane: Vichyssoises wallpaper paste. Mmmm. Add a lack of enthusiasm and voila! Instant failure!

Adam: Raw food is behind him. And this time they liked his food! As for the BBQ spice rub (OMGWTFBBQ?), not bad.

Jen: Another vote against mashed potato pizza, especially if you're on the Atkins Diet. Good sauce, though. Jen's sorry for saying she's sorry.

Lisa Lisa Lisa (and Cult Jam): Let's not discuss that 15 seconds of fame anymore. The jar thing? Beautiful.

Nipa: Girl, can you take criticism? The potato dish was delish, but the energy was, well, not so flavorful. The food buyers thought throwing cayenne and sugar together was too simple. Really?

Aaron: loses points for hiding his superhero identity on camera, but everyone loved his product.

Jeffrey: Girl, the home fries were forgettable! And the camera made him shrink. I hate it when that happens! (But it's cold!) The Cajun rub? Boring.

Kelsey: This week's reigning king/queen of raw food. The Sloppy Joe was tastier to everyone not named Martha Stewart.

Oh SNAP! Kelsey is annoying! Can't put anything past Suzy, can you?

10:51 Can we take that circle back thing and strangle the Food Network execs with it?

10:55 So let's see: this week they seem particularly displeased with Kelsey, Jeff, Shane and Jen. If I had to bet, I'd say...... Shane or Jen is leaving.

10:56 Hey, since when did they do quickfires on this show? Adam's on-camera presence saved his hairy little butt. For the other half, Lisa is saved by the judges, and Aaron is saved by Maaaahtha.

10:57 So it comes down to the dullness of Nipa, the passionlessness of Shane... and the two are still safe. It's down to Kelsey, Jeff and Jen. My money's on Jen going home.

Kelsey: "My passion isn't just about food. My passion is about television, too. And about food on television. And televisions shaped like food (sniffle). And preparing food on top of a television (snifflesniffle). And I just don't want to be annoying! (Waaaaaaah!) DRINK!

10:59 And Jeff gets kicked out! Ooooh, miscalled that one. I'm better with this on Top Chef. And the Cajun food guy is booted on his bland "Cajun" behind.

11:00 And it looks like Guy Fieri came to Bawlmer for tonight's ep of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Oh, it's the much loved Blue Moon Cafe!

POST-GAME ASSESSMENT: I'm too tired and sunburned from a day of walking around Hampden seeing women, girls, drag queens and the occasional man-dressed-as-a-man all in beehive hairdos, followed by my sister's Father's Day dinner for our father, her husband and her father-in-law, and fighting with the computer to write much here. Jeff's gone. Jen's staying around. And Adam has redeemed himself. Onward and upward.

The Next Food Network Star Live-Blogging: FN Star on the Go

I'm still woozy from the penultimate Top Chef (live-blogging this Wednesday at 10). And as I wait for our remaining nine wannabe Sandra Lees - ? - to give us their all tonight, I'm feeling bloated from dinner. So no beer, wine or liquor to drink along with dumbass things the chefs say tonight. Nope, I'm sticking with good old-fashioned tap water.

9:49 (no it hasn't started yet) Iron Chef US is on while I wait. Whoa, isn't that Art Smith, the guy who guest-judged a few weeks ago on that episode of Top Chef with all the kids?

10:00 I don't know why, I just can't stand Bobby Flay. He strikes me as a prick and a show-off. That's all. Flay rant done.

10:01 So much less serious than that Top Chef opening. Awwwww, isnt that so cute how they're snug in bed?

10:02 WTF Adam, what they hell are you wearing in bed, Tarzan?

And Irvine is here for the second contest. the challenge: pick colors out of a pan! There are three teams: the red, green and... gray teams?

10:03 So this is an ingredient scavenger hunt then.

10:04 Dress for me, people!

Shades of Amazing Race... And already they fight each other.

Jeff, Kevin and Kelsey arrive first and answer the following wrong:

"To make white flour, what two parts of the wheat grain are removed?" (Bran and Germ)

10:05 So Kevin has to do something doughy.

Meanwhile, Adam-with-no-training answers a question about double-acting yeast correct!

Lisa, Nipa and Shane are screwed. It's not like y'all go home because of this.

10:07 A molasses-in-pumpernickel question gets the last team soaring past the early risers!

Second question is about cheese. Damn, this is the cooking show for ADD!

10:08 This is one cheesy show.

Wow, these guys know stuff I never even knew. How much can we bet this last team will get the cheese question wrong?

Oh, goodie for them! They got it right!

Lisa, Nipa and Shane have to name cuts of meat. Lisa messes it up (not like the others would've gotten it right. Come on!)

10:10 Don't fillet yourselves, folks!

10:11 Did I mention that they take a different thing with them from every scavenger place? Bread, cheese, meat and something from Jersey.

10:15 What ingredient could they possibly get in Jersey, they wonder? They wait for everybody to show up, and find Rob Irvine again.

The new challenge: prepare and serve brunch to 30 passengers... on a train... AND incorporate all your scavenged goodies (you cook in the order in which you got there - green team, y'all are last).

10:17 Aaron, Adam and Jenn go first, bringing in their ricotta, brioche and steak. Adam suggests a runny yolk for his egg, Aaron really hates this idea. Judging from the ads I saw today, I think Aaron's right.

Jenn: savory French toast rounds from the brioche...

Aaron: what is he making again?

Adam: runny poached eggs

10:19 Jen to Adam: "Don't tell me how to make French toast, bitch!" Okay, she didn't call him a bitch, but hell...

10:20 Hey, it's the Amateur Gourmet! He's advertising his FN Dish. Nice to see people not yelling at each other.

10:22 Okay, I don't know what y'all got in the rest of the country. But I just saw a Food Network "Eating Around... Houston!" immediately transition to a woman dropping her robe, opening the shower and screaming at a large man in a cockroach suit. Is this eating in Houston?

10:23 Adam: WTF are you doing to the eggs? DRINK!!!

10:24 Call me weird, but I actually regret the day that "plate" entered the common vernacular as a verb. Silly I know.

10:25 Adam wants to do a great train robbery skit. No, dude. No skit. Aaron thinks it's an especially bad idea.

Adam, you're adorable but kind of a dumbass.

10:26 Why don't the judges like their raw, runny eggs? I just don't get it. They also find the toast bland, but no problems with the steak thus far.

10:27 And it's on to team lamb / bleu cheese / baguette. Lisa and Shane look to Nipa for guidance, and Nipa takes the lamb into a South Asian direction.

Nipa: lamb in masala spices

Lisa: something under crème fraîche

Shane: I don't know. I just don't know.

10:29 The Next Food Network Chef - brought to you by the entire city of Las Vegas!

10:32 I still don't know what Shane made. He sure is nervous though. Good for laying off the "three C's", Leese.

10:33 Future notice: TRIPLE DRINK for any time Lisa mentions the "three C's" in the future.

Suzy caught onto Shane's nervousness though.

Charisma from Lisa, Nipa made the lamb hooooooot. French toast is "as it should be". Most agree: the lamb is too hot.


10:35 And we're on to team lateness

Kevbo: sexy crostini

Kelsey: duck in a champagne vinagrette

Jeff: upset because all they have is one squeeze bottle of olive oil. Thanks, Kev.

10:36 Ooooooh. They have too few plates. So everything on one plate then?

10:37 Seriously, when the hell will speed coooking be a skill these people will need on the Food Network? It's not like these clowns are going to wind up on Iron Chef.

10:38 Well, at least their presentation doesn't suck too bad.

Jeff made tough-as-nails Bourbon bread pudding. Oops.

Salad is tasty but overcooked.

Bobby-to-Kevin: change your point of view!

10:40 Okay, why is Nipa running out in the "coming up" segment? Spoilers.... not.

10:43 Aaron: And now we all hate each other. Shades of Top Chef...

10:44 Did anyone really win this challenge?

Rob: again, the eggs were raw and icky. Good ideas don't make up for reality. Sorry, Adam. But everyone loved Aaron's steak... and his entrance.

Jen: lack of authority. That's it. Go back into your corner now.

10:46 Kelsey's duck is good but overcooked, while Jeff's bread pudding was infinitesimal. Kev makes a super sweet crostini appetizer with figs and honey. Again, how are figs and honey romantic?

Kev: Of COURSE honey, figs and mozzarella are romantic!

***Crickets***

Yeah, I always use those things in the bedroom.

10:47 Lisa: "Well, we let Nipa do her Indian thing." OMFG... DRINK!

10:48 Bobby-to-Nipa: lamb is too hot, not salty enough. Are you enthusiastic about this? She don't seem to be, y'all.

Oops, "I don't know" may not have been the best way to answer that, Neep.

10:49 And Nipa rushes off in a tizzy. "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." Now everyone's confused.

10:50 I'm bringing "Circle Back"... (No!). Don't know why Nipa done stormed off the set... (No?) Takeittotheaaddddd...

10:54 What if we don't read USA Today?

10:55 Aaaah, so Nipa left so she wouldn't quit on the spot. Truly a cooling off period isn't so bad an idea. Meanwhile the others parse Nipa's decisive indecisiveness, alternatively dogging her and defending her.

Nipa, you didn't lose your temper. THIS IS F*CKING LOSING YOUR TEMPER!!!! You didn't lose your temper.

10:56 Suzy doesn't seem convinced with Nipa. I suspect she'll be in the bottom but not sent home.

10:57 And the winning finalists are Lisa and Aaron! It's not a team win thing like it always is on Top Chef.

Umm, Aaron buddy, if you really want your name out there, let everybody else buy some of those USA Today's

10:58 Whoa, Adam is staying. I figured the egg screwed him big time.

10:59 It's down to Kev and Nipa. Who's going away? I think Kevin.

And I was right! But she's on warning.

And Kevin goes home to romance his figs and honey. Honestly I don't know what he does in his pantry at night, but I can only imagine.

10:59 Next week: Invent your own packaged food product! Special guest: Martha Stewart? When did she wind up on this network? Bring Ina on or something.

POST-SHOW ANALYSIS: As I sit here getting hungry and chest-pains-y over the Neelys' spread, I can only say that I do now agree with the many folks who have said, here and on other blogs (Food Network Addict in particular) that Lisa is a big time diva. That often translates to something mean, but in her defense, she is her own best marketer. And hey, no "Three C's" this week! Good for you, Leese! (Though way to condescend to Nipa, dude...)

PEOPLE TO LOOK OUT FOR IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS:

Nipa avoided being kicked out tonight, and Kevin did not. Bob Tuschman specifically told her, "You bring something we are lacking on the Food Network". Of course, this makes one wonder why they haven't found anyone to fill that need already? Again, it isn't all about French and Italian and Southern food. I hope this is the wake-up call that Nipa needed and that she'll be around for a while.

Aaron seems to be a rising star on this show. Look at the praise for his steak! The others need to watch out for him.

Lisa, because she is, again, her own best champion.

Kelsey, because she's got pizaaaaaaaz! (JAZZ HANDS!)

I thought Adam might be one to watch out for. I may be wrong, but he does have a stand-out personality. And again, he doesn't look bad, though I totally take that back when he starts cooking in that thong thing he leapt out of bed in.

The others seem, by and large, pretty forgettable. Thoughts?