The Next Food Network Star Live-Blogging: FN Star on the Go

I'm still woozy from the penultimate Top Chef (live-blogging this Wednesday at 10). And as I wait for our remaining nine wannabe Sandra Lees - ? - to give us their all tonight, I'm feeling bloated from dinner. So no beer, wine or liquor to drink along with dumbass things the chefs say tonight. Nope, I'm sticking with good old-fashioned tap water.

9:49 (no it hasn't started yet) Iron Chef US is on while I wait. Whoa, isn't that Art Smith, the guy who guest-judged a few weeks ago on that episode of Top Chef with all the kids?

10:00 I don't know why, I just can't stand Bobby Flay. He strikes me as a prick and a show-off. That's all. Flay rant done.

10:01 So much less serious than that Top Chef opening. Awwwww, isnt that so cute how they're snug in bed?

10:02 WTF Adam, what they hell are you wearing in bed, Tarzan?

And Irvine is here for the second contest. the challenge: pick colors out of a pan! There are three teams: the red, green and... gray teams?

10:03 So this is an ingredient scavenger hunt then.

10:04 Dress for me, people!

Shades of Amazing Race... And already they fight each other.

Jeff, Kevin and Kelsey arrive first and answer the following wrong:

"To make white flour, what two parts of the wheat grain are removed?" (Bran and Germ)

10:05 So Kevin has to do something doughy.

Meanwhile, Adam-with-no-training answers a question about double-acting yeast correct!

Lisa, Nipa and Shane are screwed. It's not like y'all go home because of this.

10:07 A molasses-in-pumpernickel question gets the last team soaring past the early risers!

Second question is about cheese. Damn, this is the cooking show for ADD!

10:08 This is one cheesy show.

Wow, these guys know stuff I never even knew. How much can we bet this last team will get the cheese question wrong?

Oh, goodie for them! They got it right!

Lisa, Nipa and Shane have to name cuts of meat. Lisa messes it up (not like the others would've gotten it right. Come on!)

10:10 Don't fillet yourselves, folks!

10:11 Did I mention that they take a different thing with them from every scavenger place? Bread, cheese, meat and something from Jersey.

10:15 What ingredient could they possibly get in Jersey, they wonder? They wait for everybody to show up, and find Rob Irvine again.

The new challenge: prepare and serve brunch to 30 passengers... on a train... AND incorporate all your scavenged goodies (you cook in the order in which you got there - green team, y'all are last).

10:17 Aaron, Adam and Jenn go first, bringing in their ricotta, brioche and steak. Adam suggests a runny yolk for his egg, Aaron really hates this idea. Judging from the ads I saw today, I think Aaron's right.

Jenn: savory French toast rounds from the brioche...

Aaron: what is he making again?

Adam: runny poached eggs

10:19 Jen to Adam: "Don't tell me how to make French toast, bitch!" Okay, she didn't call him a bitch, but hell...

10:20 Hey, it's the Amateur Gourmet! He's advertising his FN Dish. Nice to see people not yelling at each other.

10:22 Okay, I don't know what y'all got in the rest of the country. But I just saw a Food Network "Eating Around... Houston!" immediately transition to a woman dropping her robe, opening the shower and screaming at a large man in a cockroach suit. Is this eating in Houston?

10:23 Adam: WTF are you doing to the eggs? DRINK!!!

10:24 Call me weird, but I actually regret the day that "plate" entered the common vernacular as a verb. Silly I know.

10:25 Adam wants to do a great train robbery skit. No, dude. No skit. Aaron thinks it's an especially bad idea.

Adam, you're adorable but kind of a dumbass.

10:26 Why don't the judges like their raw, runny eggs? I just don't get it. They also find the toast bland, but no problems with the steak thus far.

10:27 And it's on to team lamb / bleu cheese / baguette. Lisa and Shane look to Nipa for guidance, and Nipa takes the lamb into a South Asian direction.

Nipa: lamb in masala spices

Lisa: something under crème fraîche

Shane: I don't know. I just don't know.

10:29 The Next Food Network Chef - brought to you by the entire city of Las Vegas!

10:32 I still don't know what Shane made. He sure is nervous though. Good for laying off the "three C's", Leese.

10:33 Future notice: TRIPLE DRINK for any time Lisa mentions the "three C's" in the future.

Suzy caught onto Shane's nervousness though.

Charisma from Lisa, Nipa made the lamb hooooooot. French toast is "as it should be". Most agree: the lamb is too hot.


10:35 And we're on to team lateness

Kevbo: sexy crostini

Kelsey: duck in a champagne vinagrette

Jeff: upset because all they have is one squeeze bottle of olive oil. Thanks, Kev.

10:36 Ooooooh. They have too few plates. So everything on one plate then?

10:37 Seriously, when the hell will speed coooking be a skill these people will need on the Food Network? It's not like these clowns are going to wind up on Iron Chef.

10:38 Well, at least their presentation doesn't suck too bad.

Jeff made tough-as-nails Bourbon bread pudding. Oops.

Salad is tasty but overcooked.

Bobby-to-Kevin: change your point of view!

10:40 Okay, why is Nipa running out in the "coming up" segment? Spoilers.... not.

10:43 Aaron: And now we all hate each other. Shades of Top Chef...

10:44 Did anyone really win this challenge?

Rob: again, the eggs were raw and icky. Good ideas don't make up for reality. Sorry, Adam. But everyone loved Aaron's steak... and his entrance.

Jen: lack of authority. That's it. Go back into your corner now.

10:46 Kelsey's duck is good but overcooked, while Jeff's bread pudding was infinitesimal. Kev makes a super sweet crostini appetizer with figs and honey. Again, how are figs and honey romantic?

Kev: Of COURSE honey, figs and mozzarella are romantic!

***Crickets***

Yeah, I always use those things in the bedroom.

10:47 Lisa: "Well, we let Nipa do her Indian thing." OMFG... DRINK!

10:48 Bobby-to-Nipa: lamb is too hot, not salty enough. Are you enthusiastic about this? She don't seem to be, y'all.

Oops, "I don't know" may not have been the best way to answer that, Neep.

10:49 And Nipa rushes off in a tizzy. "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." Now everyone's confused.

10:50 I'm bringing "Circle Back"... (No!). Don't know why Nipa done stormed off the set... (No?) Takeittotheaaddddd...

10:54 What if we don't read USA Today?

10:55 Aaaah, so Nipa left so she wouldn't quit on the spot. Truly a cooling off period isn't so bad an idea. Meanwhile the others parse Nipa's decisive indecisiveness, alternatively dogging her and defending her.

Nipa, you didn't lose your temper. THIS IS F*CKING LOSING YOUR TEMPER!!!! You didn't lose your temper.

10:56 Suzy doesn't seem convinced with Nipa. I suspect she'll be in the bottom but not sent home.

10:57 And the winning finalists are Lisa and Aaron! It's not a team win thing like it always is on Top Chef.

Umm, Aaron buddy, if you really want your name out there, let everybody else buy some of those USA Today's

10:58 Whoa, Adam is staying. I figured the egg screwed him big time.

10:59 It's down to Kev and Nipa. Who's going away? I think Kevin.

And I was right! But she's on warning.

And Kevin goes home to romance his figs and honey. Honestly I don't know what he does in his pantry at night, but I can only imagine.

10:59 Next week: Invent your own packaged food product! Special guest: Martha Stewart? When did she wind up on this network? Bring Ina on or something.

POST-SHOW ANALYSIS: As I sit here getting hungry and chest-pains-y over the Neelys' spread, I can only say that I do now agree with the many folks who have said, here and on other blogs (Food Network Addict in particular) that Lisa is a big time diva. That often translates to something mean, but in her defense, she is her own best marketer. And hey, no "Three C's" this week! Good for you, Leese! (Though way to condescend to Nipa, dude...)

PEOPLE TO LOOK OUT FOR IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS:

Nipa avoided being kicked out tonight, and Kevin did not. Bob Tuschman specifically told her, "You bring something we are lacking on the Food Network". Of course, this makes one wonder why they haven't found anyone to fill that need already? Again, it isn't all about French and Italian and Southern food. I hope this is the wake-up call that Nipa needed and that she'll be around for a while.

Aaron seems to be a rising star on this show. Look at the praise for his steak! The others need to watch out for him.

Lisa, because she is, again, her own best champion.

Kelsey, because she's got pizaaaaaaaz! (JAZZ HANDS!)

I thought Adam might be one to watch out for. I may be wrong, but he does have a stand-out personality. And again, he doesn't look bad, though I totally take that back when he starts cooking in that thong thing he leapt out of bed in.

The others seem, by and large, pretty forgettable. Thoughts?