Sunday, June 15, 2008

Next Food Network Star 4 Live-Blogging: a Jar! (or Stupid Technical Issues)

Stupid f#cking computer problems have kept me from live blogging for this first half hour. It's a bit late going in, but I'll comment on a few silly things from the first half as I live blog the second.

Five silly things about this episode, first half:

1. I wasn't really impressed by what anyone said or did for the first part - take a potato and show the audience what they could do with it in just 30 seconds. That's thirty seconds, Lisa.

2. Mashed potato pizza!?!? OMGWTFMPP

3. Juuuuuuuuuuust keep talkin', Leese.

4. Adam's fully clothed outta bed for once. Good goin', man!

5. Shane: I can show you how to make vichyssoises exciting - add mushrooms!


The crowd goes wild. Yay.

6. Mashed potato pizza!?!?

And now, part two...

10:26 The chefs du jour have to create their own packaged product. Who wouldn't want to seal these people up in a jar? Like, forever?

10:27 Nipa's is the most work? Just cayenne and sugar! Lots of work!

Don'tcha just wanna smack Kelsey? "I'm so PERKY!"

10:28 Lisa: I know the answers because I have the "three C's". C'mon, Lisa, you just know you wanted to say that.

10:29 I forget who suggested this, but they're right: Jeffrey is the token gay.

And of course the viewing audience had no clue that Martha Stewart would show up this week! Unless, of course, they saw the preview last week.

10:30 And I now officially hate Adam. Get up, boy!

10:34 Wanna pop someone's bubble? Bring in Maaaahtha!

10:35 Lisa: "I worship Martha Stewart." Yeah but will kissing up really work?

Oh God, I feel a "three C" mention coming on! Thanks for nipping that in the bud, Martha.

10:36 Martha just doesn't know how to not cut you off.

Jen: "It's a little thick." Like you? Ohhhhh, snap!

10:37 So far it's Aaron's dish she likes.

"Sloppy Jane?" Pleasepleasepleeeeeeeese smack her, Martha Stewart!!!

10:38 And Da Adam G decides to serenade Ms. Thang.

My name is A-DAM! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)
And I'm a big FOOL!

But at least he got everyone else in the room to laugh.

10:39 And Martha's assessments?

Shane: "He's a nice guy" OUCH!

Adam's song: performing was fun. Something tell s me he ain't goin' home this week.

Lisa: She sure knows her way around food!

Aaron: pleasant presenter

Nipa: I don't get it as an important product.

Jen: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jeffrey: Seasoned salt?

Kelsey: Sloppy Joe? Ick!

10:40 Coming up: GOD, people, she may be at "one name" status now, but she's not God, or Oprah!

10:44 Line up, everybody! It's chorus line time! (Oh shit, forgot about the Tonys!)

10:45 - 10:51 And now for assessments:

Shane: V
ichyssoises wallpaper paste. Mmmm. Add a lack of enthusiasm and voila! Instant failure!

Adam: Raw food is behind him. And this time they liked his food! As for the BBQ spice rub (OMGWTFBBQ?), not bad.

Jen: Another vote against mashed potato pizza, especially if you're on the Atkins Diet. Good sauce, though. Jen's sorry for saying she's sorry.

Lisa Lisa Lisa (and Cult Jam): Let's not discuss that 15 seconds of fame anymore. The jar thing? Beautiful.

Nipa: Girl, can you take criticism? The potato dish was delish, but the energy was, well, not so flavorful. The food buyers thought throwing cayenne and sugar together was too simple. Really?

Aaron: loses points for hiding his superhero identity on camera, but everyone loved his product.

Jeffrey: Girl, the home fries were forgettable! And the camera made him shrink. I hate it when that happens! (But it's cold!) The Cajun rub? Boring.

Kelsey: This week's reigning king/queen of raw food. The Sloppy Joe was tastier to everyone not named Martha Stewart.

Oh SNAP! Kelsey is annoying! Can't put anything past Suzy, can you?

10:51 Can we take that circle back thing and strangle the Food Network execs with it?

10:55 So let's see: this week they seem particularly displeased with Kelsey, Jeff, Shane and Jen. If I had to bet, I'd say...... Shane or Jen is leaving.

10:56 Hey, since when did they do quickfires on this show? Adam's on-camera presence saved his hairy little butt. For the other half, Lisa is saved by the judges, and Aaron is saved by Maaaahtha.

10:57 So it comes down to the dullness of Nipa, the passionlessness of Shane... and the two are still safe. It's down to Kelsey, Jeff and Jen. My money's on Jen going home.

Kelsey: "My passion isn't just about food. My passion is about television, too. And about food on television. And televisions shaped like food (sniffle). And preparing food on top of a television (snifflesniffle). And I just don't want to be annoying! (Waaaaaaah!) DRINK!

10:59 And Jeff gets kicked out! Ooooh, miscalled that one. I'm better with this on Top Chef. And the Cajun food guy is booted on his bland "Cajun" behind.

11:00 And it looks like Guy Fieri came to Bawlmer for tonight's ep of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Oh, it's the much loved Blue Moon Cafe!

POST-GAME ASSESSMENT: I'm too tired and sunburned from a day of walking around Hampden seeing women, girls, drag queens and the occasional man-dressed-as-a-man all in beehive hairdos, followed by my sister's Father's Day dinner for our father, her husband and her father-in-law, and fighting with the computer to write much here. Jeff's gone. Jen's staying around. And Adam has redeemed himself. Onward and upward.


roopa said...

Bobby Flay is wearing WAAAY too much makeup, he looks like an Oompa Loompa.

Lisa has a horrible haircut - doesn't she know that cuts that blunt are so 1996?

As much as I wanted to like Nipa (for obvious reasons), she's annoying.

PS - On the 11 pm episode of Diners Drive Ins and Dives, annoying Guy Fieri is in Charm City! He's at Blue Moon (which I think is gross, but oh well).

John said...

Hey you're right about Flay. He does have the lovely complexion of an employee of the Wonka Chocolate Factory. I'm finding Kelsey more irritating than Nipa, but yeah, both kind of get annoying.

I still think I'm going to try the Blue Moon at some point. But I am NOT ordering that Rice Krispie French toast - yuck!

theminx said...

That was me suggesting that Jeffrey was the token gay. Was I right or was I right? I liked him - a shame he choked so badly this week.

My name is A-DAM! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)
And I'm a big FOOL! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)
I'm trying to be (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)
The next Food Network Tool! (BwaBWAbwuBWABWA)

Bert said...