Best of 2009 Part III: The Best Brains Awards for the Worst and Most Average of 2009

I have to admit, people: As sucky as last year was, I really didn't have a lot of bad dining experiences in '09. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I've just become more discerning. Or maybe it's because I just don't eat out that much anymore. Even as far as recipes go, I didn't have too many that turned out, well, bleeeeh. So, ironically, the worse the year, the better the food seems to be!

That said, '09 did not pass by with only fabulous dining experiences. Overall, the bad was more of the "below-average" variety. Mostly.

Again, to avoid talk of copyright infringement: the "Best Brains Awards" are named for those masters of silliness, Joel, Mike and the Bots, etcetera, kings and queens of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic and RiffTrax. Play us in, Gypsy...

*** Videos are linked to these titles. They elaborate on the theme of the award. Click on them. They're funny.

The Best Brains "Mayo-NAAAAAAISE!***" Award for a second-guessed dining experience

The Ambassador Dining Room (Indian - Roland Park). I almost feel bad mentioning them. Almost. Don't get me wrong: the food was spectacular, and the view was amazing. It was everything else that sucked. And by everything else, I mean the service. A handful of waiters just bizarrely standing around watching me for a good five to ten minutes after I finish one course of a Baltimore Restaurant Week prix fixe lunch. And that was about as good as the service got. A wee nitpicky, but in a posh place like the Ambassador you especially do not expect that to happen. That and my Diet Coke tasted like dish water. I mean, more so than Diet Coke usually tastes. Oh, and did I mention the waiter plunked down my check less than halfway through my dessert? I mean, they weren't filled to capacity that afternoon or anything. Honestly.

Thank you for coming to the Ambassador Dining Room. Now get out.

The Best Brains "I need some hot stuff, baby, this ev'nin'!***" Award for an exceptionally overrated dining experience - They're not all that, chips or no chips...

South of the Border (fast food, Mexican - Dillon, SC) - I know that their thing is a fun and kitschy, "tiki bar meets East Coast taquería" style sort of shopping and sleeping experience. And I know people don't go there for the food. But for God's sake, if you actually want to eat something, stop somewhere else in Dillon. Hell, even the Shoney's. Or stop in North Carolina (if heading south) for food. The shriveled up hot dog and over-salted, dried out "Mexi-fries" I got at SotB don't do Palmetto State food justice.

Less "Lowcountry" and more just plain "Low"

Millions of Milkshakes (shakes) in West Hollywood, CA, merits a dishonorable mention in this category for an allegedly standard chocolate shake that tasted like somebody dumped a gallon of gritty pound cake crumbs into it. The flavor was average at best. Should I really have tried the other 999,999 milkshakes, or instead headed to In-N-Out, who actually know how to do milkshakes?

The Best Brains "Seventh time around...***" Award for places that you just have to wonder why they're still open after all these decades

I normally might want to put the Grill Art (Hampden) here, but my friends swear that they've improved by leaps and bounds in the last year or so. As such, I am stumped for an entry here. I don't have an idea for a place that should've shut down a while ago. Ironic, considering that so many places - good, bad and mediocre - have shut down over the past year in the tsunami that was the Great Recession. Particularly surprising is the demise of the Brass Elephant, a business I didn't think would get taken down in this recession. Look in the window now and it's exactly the same as it was the day after it closed. It's almost like the "1 Day After People" sequence in the History Channel's Life After People series.

The Best Brains "NoDoz" Award for an exceptionally average dining experience - Did I eat yet?

Hello Sushi (Japanese - Redlands, CA) - If you ever have the good fortune to venture to Southern California before the state completely falls apart, there are lots of great sushi experiences to be found. Hello Sushi is not among them. They used to be good - so good they wound up in my Best Of section of 2008. But now the food is mostly tasteless, the service is lackluster, and the prices are about the same as they used to be. It's sad, because the food used to be so much better than this. Head about 20 minutes east into Yucaipa for Tokyo Restaurant's tastier, more innovative rolls, sushi and sashimi.

The Best Brains "Semi-Homemade Angel Food 'Harvest' Cake***" Award for the worst in food on television - Still bringin' on the crazy after all these years. Butter-tini time!

Chopped (Food Network) - This show should never have happened. A poor man's knock off of Top Chef, but just with quickfires that end in eliminations. And apparently about 75% of all contestants are from New York - not just working in New York, but born and raised in New York. Because the rest of America is a culinary wasteland, as well all know, right? Oh Ted, you have better taste than this.

A special mention for a show that seemed to get much, much better after I stopped watching. As a result, I never got see half of the quickfires or elimination challenges involving either Voltaggio brother on Top Chef 6: Bryan and Michael Do Vega$. I did see the final episode, which was much more watchable than the first five or six. Yep, the best three chefs did make it through to the end (the best four if you count the first half of the finale). But the rest of the show? I'll just let the words MinxEats put in Bryan's mouth at the end of her recap sum up my attitude for me: "You know Mom's going to make you share that money." (scroll to the end of the post for the picture. Thank you, Kathy.)

The Best Brains "Close it back up, close it back up!!!" Award for the worst packaged food of the year

These uncured Chinese candied olives I bought at a 99 Ranch (a Chinese answer to H Mart, but on the West Coast) in Monterey Park, CA. Some things were not ever meant to mix and this is one of them.

A little slice o' purgatory right in your own home!

Honorable mention goes to pretty much any beer made from sorghum that you can find in Baltimore. Redbridge is about the most drinkable among them. Others have recommended New Grist, which I just did not like. I know they're trying to find gluten-free alternatives to regular beer, and I admire their efforts. But if they want to use sorghum, it isn't working.

And speaking of sorghum...

The Best Brains "Look... At... That...***" Award for my most failed attempts at cooking

My attempts to pop sorghum never quite worked out. I haven't tried it since, especially since I now know that you can actually buy a big ol' bag of already-popped sorghum at Punjab in Waverly.

Showing here

How little did it work out? Let's see. During my kitchen experiments with sorghum, I managed to scorch it in various kinds of oil in a heavy pot, lightly toast the sorghum kernels in a pan that was vigorously shaken over a fire, and - this is my favorite method of failure - dodging the kernels while they are sprayed in a trillion directions all over my kitchen from a hot air popcorn popper. That method yielded me the most popped sorghum kernels, by the way.

Recently I bought a new package of sorghum, and it's sitting in the refrigerator. Most advice I have gotten suggests that refrigerated sorghum will pop more easily.

Though I wouldn't call it a total failure, an honorable mention goes to my attempt to make American Indian fry bread. Every bit of fry bread I have ever eaten has been wonderful and crispy. Mine turned out like little discs of hard tack. I still need to take up commenter Cassie out in Flagstaff, AZ, on her generous offer to give me some tips for making fry bread that actually tastes good!

Um, fry bread isn't supposed to chip your teeth, dude.

And of course, there was this.

But what is it?

This Poorman's Meal is less appetizing than it sounds or looks. The worst part is that, at the rate things are going, I may have to be eating more of this.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for!!!

The Best Brains Second Annual "Grill Art Cafe" Award for an exceptionally horrible dining experience

I haven't had much to criticize this year. A few average dishes here and there along I-95 or around the Beltway, but nothing truly horrible per se. So take this one with a grain of salt, unless you have "intestinal issues" in which case consider yourself warned. King's Grilled Kabob (Middle Eastern - Hampden) had some okay food. Some of my friends said they had a pretty average dining experience but nothing to get too upset about. Until I woke up the next morning with a wrenching Crohn's flare up that lasted the better part of a week. Oh what fun! This rarely happens when I eat out, and when it does it's rarely my doing. If you don't have Crohn's or colitis or anything like that, feel free to go there (some people find it hard to leave). In fact, it has apparently become a favorite of Hampden's denizens. And I'll admit the falafel actually wasn't that bad. But if you do have GI issues, please high tail it somewhere else along the Avenue. Hell, from what I hear, even the Grill Art has edible food these days.

In a bit, the final recap post of the year: my favorites of everything else for the end of the Aughties. Play us out, Gypsy, old girl.

Best of 2008 Part III: The Best Brains Awards for the Worst and Most Average of 2008

Unlike the Oscars, you won't see much here. As sucky as 2008 was (I'm thinking the economy here), food-wise it really wasn't bad, and for me I had some very nice adventures that I'm thankful for. So here they are - the somewhat sparse Second Annual Best Brains Awards for the Very Worst and Inescapably Average Food of the past year. Named for Mike, Joel, the Bots and their creative masters and mistresses, the men and women who brought us MST3K and now bring us (separately) both RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic. I've tried squeezing in cheesy production numbers like last year, but I'm tired and busy so don't expect the kind of crap you get at the Oscars each year. Servo, the envelope if you would...

The Best Brains "It looked better in the dressing room" Award for a second-guessed dining experience

Essex Diner (diner - Essex) - I actually struggled to find a restaurant to put here, so the Essex Diner only half-deserves this award. Their sliders sandwiched in dinner rolls really aren't bad, their service is fine, and the photos up and down the wall are kind of homey. But in retrospect, their sliders were nothing special. But I'd still go back to try other stuff.

The Best Brains "I need some hot stuff, baby, this ev'nin'!***" Award for an exceptionally overrated dining experience - They're not all that, chips or no chips...

Tie - Benny Greengrass (deli / Kosher - Upper West Side, Manhattan, New York, NY) and Rutt's Hut (hot dogs - Clifton, NJ) - The last time I went to New York I wandered around my last day, having checked out of my hostel, er, hotel, looking for good grub. I was sure I had found it at the legendary Benny Greengrass, the "Sturgeon King". Maybe I'd be satisfied had I gotten their uber-expensive fish. But all I got for $12 were three overpriced latkes with a semi-frozen clump of sour cream and a teacup of milk with a big blob of chocolate syrup at the bottom (that last part was just shameful). I guess this is why they're not known as the "Latke King." Having made the long trip and not expecting to be back for a while, I at least wanted to make the half-hour detour from Iselin (where I parked and took the New Jersey transit into the city - yes, it was cheaper than parking in Manhattan) to Clifton, where I could find the much-raved-about Rutt's Hut. Everyone from the Travel Channel to the Food Network raved about their "rippers" - hot dogs that are juicy on the inside but cooked so that the outside is crusty and rips open when you eat it. All I got was a slightly juicy, mostly dried up crunch out of my two dried out sticks of hot dog meat. To do that to a weenie should be a crime.

Satisfying looking franks - but looks can be deceiving. The pile of fries were good though.

The Best Brains "Seventh time around...***" Award for places that you just have to wonder why they're still open after all these decades - They got away with being a local institution by serving this slop?

Tie - Avenue Diner (diner - Hampden, Baltimore) and Uncle Eddie's (American / family-style, Essex)

I'm not picking on Essex, I promise. I just didn't have the best eating experiences there this past year. Case in point: Uncle Eddie's, an area institution that recently moved into a very yellow building. I ordered dinner there for my Beltway Snacking series. The service is extremely friendly, so I felt bad writing about their "popular dish for six decades" panfried haddock. Dense, dry, bony and devoid of all flavor. They must stay open for other reasons. I didn't write about the Avenue Diner, which was actually the first place I ate out at in 2008. I can't quite remember what I had, I think it was pancakes. Or eggs. Whatever it was, it was big, forgettable and flavorless. Except for the Diet Coke, which tasted like dish water. The City Paper claims it's closed, but I won't since I've made that mistake here before.

The Best Brains "NoDoz***" Award for an exceptionally average dining experience - Quality. Yay.

Akbar Restaurant (Indian - Mount Vernon, Baltimore) - I am really befuddled as to why so many people say this is such a great place. The last time I went to Akbar - admittedly it had been a while - I went to the buffet. Yes, it was the tail-end of the buffet, but I've caught many a Baltimore-area Indian buffet just before closing, and they've all pretty much satisfied me. And it's very easy to please me with South Asian food. Akbar gave me some tasty food - the channa chaat is not to be missed - and some average food - the chicken tandoori is definitely to be missed - along with slightly crusty basmati rice (for shame). I'm glad others like it so much, but I am not impressed.

The Best Brains "Semi-Homemade Angel Food 'Harvest' Cake***" Award for the worst in food on television - She's still making new episodes, you know that, right?

Big Daddy's House - Aaron McCargo had real potential, but it's just embarrassing to watch this fourth Next Food Network Chef's new show. Thanks, Gordon Elliot >:(

Again, Jacob the Food Network Addict did this. He always has such funny illustrations!

SUPERPERKYPEOPLE!!!!! - So, Kelsey, OMGWTFBBQ?

Courtesy of MinxEats, which made TC4, TC5 and NFNS4 bearable when the live-blogging became tedious. The following TC and NFNS photos in this section are from her blog, too.

Kalamarakiaphobia - That is, fear of squid, for which Nipa is being treated.

Like, um, ewww?

You'd think I hated The Next Food Network Star and loved Top Chef. Not so!

Winning cheftestant personality of the year...

Class.

Asshats and their weird, weird buddies. That's be Spike and his man-crush Andrew

Maybe these two are off having a culinary boner or something.
Oh no, I think I'm straight now! And I'm blind!

And not to leave this season out: This season's asshat-in-training

Ah, Stefan. And he doesn't even have a hat.

The Best Brains "Ho Ho Ho... I'mmmm Aaaanndyyyy***" Award for the most disturbing food video - YouTube should have food censors.

Puss-Filled Pimples - A YouTube Halloween recipe from the Gluten Solution. Yep, that just about sums it up.




It's not such a bad recipe - until you call it "Puss-Filled Pimples." Again, ick.

The Best Brains "Marshmallows aren't supposed to be crunchy!" Award for the worst packaged food of the year - Not everything that came into my kitchen was edible.

Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper - Isn't this swill one of the signs of the Apocalypse?


SoyJoy - Fortified with bleh

Joyva Cherry-Flavored Marshmallow Twists - Kosher for what, insulating your attic?

The Best Brains "Should my oven actually be smoking?" Award for my most failed attempts at cooking - Not everything that came out of my kitchen was edible, either.

Low-fat low-taste pumpkin-instead-of-oil-and-eggs cake mix - It. Don't. Work.

And last and certainly least...

The Best Brains Second Annual "Grill Art Cafe" Award for an exceptionally horrible dining experience - Like how the GOP felt after this year's election? Yep, you'll feel like that.

Tie: La Tasca (Spanish / Mediterranean / tapas - Inner Harbor, Baltimore) and Fisherman's Wharf (seafood - Nottingham)

For competing reasons, each of these places earns the top spot among the heaping pile of mediocrity and ick that is this list.

La Tasca is more popular than it should be - and why not? It's in a prime location. It's part of a chain of several restaurants that serve the ever-popular tapa to droves of hungry diners. I went with Cathy and a few friends for January '08's Restaurant Week. And boy, were we, um, let down. Apart from the one edible thing on our table - the calamari - just recall some of the crapola that was served to us: bland meatballs in a plain, forgettable tomato sauce, a boring-ass'd plate of mussels (at least one was dead before it hit the pan), equally flavorless salmon, the driest paella one friend had ever eaten, watered-down sangría, throwaway shrimp in "butter sauce" and garden veggies from a bag. Yuck. I'm heartened to see that so many people agree with me.

The other place is at the opposite end of the spectrum from La Tasca. Fisherman's Wharf on Belair road near Rossville Blvd had okay food. So why is it on my worst of list? The service. Here's what I ordered:


That's a fried rockfish sandwich with onion rings and hush puppies (the best part of the meal). How many customers were in there? One - me. How many people were working that day? At least two. How long did I wait for my food? A whole hour.

Yes, a whole fucking hour. By the time I left they had me wondering if they'd gone out and killed the rockfish just after I put my order in. The food was tasty, but not so tasty that it merited a whole hour wait. Long story short: if I want faster service, I'll catch, clean and fry the damn rockfish myself.

And that's it, ladies and gentlemen, and not a fashion faux pas in the house. Let's hope for as little bad dining in the '09. Gypsy, play us out, would you?

Best of 2007 Part III: the Best Brains Awards for the Worst and Most Average of 2007

Here are my picks for what I will call my Best Brains Awards, named in honor of those ribald founders of the show I would most love to see on TV Land, Mystery Science Theater 3000. These awards go to the restaurants, recipes and foodie shows that are most deserving of ridicule by a human and two robots on a satellite floating around the universe.

It's even got crappy production numbers (indicated with a *** by the link)! The worst of the worst, and the most average of the most average! Tom Servo, the envelope please...***

The Best Brains "It looked better in the dressing room" Award for a second-guessed dining experience - I was wrong, baby, I was wrong.

Golden West Cafe (Western / American / eclectic / "slow food" movement, Hampden) - I admit that I was quite enchanted by the place when I first went, as you can see. So if I liked it so much, why am I listing it here? Well, it sank in: tasty as the food is, charming as the place is, a half an hour wait for a hamburger with sweet potato fries is still unreasonable, and God forbid they allowed for substitutions! I have tried to go back, yes, but there are usually shorter lines at better places than this. And I'm not a patient person. So if I have a few hours I'll go back. But the only reason I put it here is the wait. That and the slight arrogance and pretentiousness (again, no substitutions? Jeez).

The Best Brains "Bottom line? I'M the best***" Award for an exceptionally overrated dining experience - They're not really all that after all.

The Grand Sichuan (Szechuan / Chinese, Manhattan, New York, NY) - All the reviews I read in my travel books simply raved about the Grand Sichuan in the Chelsea area of Manhattan. So I looked forward to it! Then I ordered the cold conch. I admit that it might've been my choice of meal - this is so far my first exposure to conch - but I was still left underwhelmed.

Double T Diner (diner, Catonsville) - Unlike the Grand Sichuan up in NYC, I knew what I was getting myself into here. Or at least I thought I did. Aren't they an area institution? If so, then the burger and fries I had there are proof that they are slacking. Edible, but that's about it.

The Best Brains "NoDoz" Award for an exceptionally average dining experience - Wake me up in 2008.

The Big Cheese (pizza / subs / Greek, Owings Mills) - A hell of a lot of food for the price. And good enough fries. But remind me: there is meat somewhere under all this tzatziki sauce, right? Right? (I admit - it's probably the type of business as a collective whole more than this one particular sub shop that deserves the criticism.)

Rose Restaurant (American, Linthicum Heights) - A truly average meal. I could've gotten a better one from the salad bar at Mars.

The Best Brains "Did I do thaaaaaat?***" Award for the recipe that got lost in translation

Potato Chip Chocolate Chip Cookies*** - I don't blame Jolene Sugarbaker (even if y'all do). Or maybe you're right - maybe it is an inherently disgusting premise for a cookie. But it probably could've been executed better on my part anyway.


The Best Brains "WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIGN!" Award for the worst in food on television - This is why I wish MST3K was still on the air.

Anthony Bourdain - Not for his food or his television show. It's only because he's a prick (and yeah you're right - he's proud of that fact). I love his show, though. Watch him in LA!*** Next time I'm in SoCal, I am so going to the Saap Noodle House in Thaitown (thanks, Noodle Whore)! And at least Bourdain doesn't have it in for food bloggers like some orange-clogged chefs do.

Iron Chef America Holiday Challenge***: Cora/Deen vs. Florence/Irvine - I think I hate sugar now. And puppies (Okay that last one was gratuitous.) On the other hand, I love this photo from the Food Network Addict. It kind of puts things in perspective.

Night of the Living Deen***

Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee*** Halloween Episode 2007 - Four words: Cleopatra makes chocolate spiders.


Top Chef Season 3*** - Season 1 was awesome. It peaked then, and it hasn't looked back since. Season 2 was okay. This season was barely watchable. There seemed to be so much more of a de-emphasis on the food on the part of Bravo, and so much more of an emphasis on the bitchiness and arguing. At least in the episodes that I watched - I really lost interest after about episode five. I tuned in on occasion to see how the chefs were doing. My word - they had to redo their restaurant challenge! Mind you, I'd probably fail the first time I tried to set up a restaurant, too. But they didn't give the first two groups that kind of a break. If I should give it a second look, please tell me so. Otherwise, I am not planning to tune in for TC4 in Chicago.

And finally...

The Best Brains "Grill Art Cafe" Award for an exceptionally horrible dining experience - If you want a wonderful and satisfying dining experience, these places and products are not for you.

Lake Trout (trout, Woodlawn) - I think I spent more time picking bones out of my teeth than I did eating. And that super intensely sweet Yankee cornbread tastes like it came out of a Hostess box.

Most hole-in-the-wall Chinese places (Chinese, just about everywhere) - There were lots of things that surprised me this year: The one and only consistent thing I found in 2007 was that you should avoid the greasy wok Chinese take-outs. Almost to a one, they are nasty. Hunan Joy, Hong Kong Restaurant and Grace Café, all in the southwest quadrant of the Beltway, are classic examples. But why single them out? I could shoot off half a dozen others that come to mind. Note that the larger ones seem to give a damn about what they serve - it's the itty-bitty Mom and Pop establishments that seem to suck, and I just don't know why. The one glaring exception: Golden Gate on Maiden Choice Lane in Arbutus. I keep going back for their General Tso's Chicken when I can.

Pre-frozen slow cooker meals - Add a stick of butter and half a bottle of wine. It still tastes like yesterday's cream of styrofoam soup. Minus the flavor.

Sonar Gaow (Indian / Bengali, Manhattan, New York, NY) - I thought it was a pretty good deal at first, but in retrospect, it just wasn't worth my time. My God, how can you mess up plain basmati rice?

That's it! The worst of the worst and the averagest of the averagest. And unlike those awards shows, I welcome any and all input you have. Cue the MST3K Satellite of Love Theme***, and Happy New Year!