From the "How do you say, 'Eat THAT, Jared from Subway!" in Farsi?" Files

Perhaps you've heard about the attempt by chefs in Tehran to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by making the world's longest ostrich sub sandwich? No? Well here it is in case you missed it, courtesy of the BBC:

Cooks in Iran have tried to assemble the world's largest ostrich sandwich at a food festival in Tehran, as part of a bid to promote healthy eating.

The organisers want to promote Iran's fledgling ostrich farming business.

About 1,500 cooks used 1,000kg (2,200lbs) of ostrich meat to make the 1,500m (4,920ft) long sandwich.

The organisers hope those world-beating dimensions will be enough to earn a place in the Guinness Book of Records for the largest ostrich sandwich ever.

It took two days to prepare the sandwich, and a huge measuring tape ran the length of the table on which it was sitting.

And so on. It's much healthier than the lamb and beef riddled diet that is so common in Iran, since ostrich is leaner than either of those meats, and apparently even healthier than chicken. I had a very gamey ostrich burger at a diner rest stop outside of Cabazon, California, once. But I'm willing to give it a try. Apparently so were the onlookers, who almost devoured it too quickly for Guinness officials to even take it all in. But the video of the event was used as proof, so Guinness accepted it. Guess it's good they didn't have their heads in the sand over that one!

Exit 31A - MD-147 South (Harford Road, to Parkville)

It goes without saying that there is much to be found on Harford Road. Certainly, that's the case with the Parkville side. But it's an area I have never really explored as more than a convenient shortcut between home and work (Putty Hill takes me from Towson right into Essex). So when I got there the other day I was not sure exactly what I'd find - only that I knew I'd find it. Driving around sure didn't help: too many decisions to be made, and that's just taking Harford Road into consideration. A not-in-any-way-exhaustive list:

• Lee On Chinese Restaurant (map), the favorite of at least one plebeian reviewer, who said that this is a "carry out heaven of chinese,best pepper steak and tso's chicken around [sic]!!" I'll have to give it my egg roll and orange chicken test. And if they have dim sum, it's at least worth a look.
• Marie Conn's Italian and Tex-Mex Kitchen (map) also looked interesting, until I saw that it was empty - and even though I was just quickly passing by it looked totally empty, with nobody and nothing inside. Is it up for sale? I don't want to consign it to the "closed" category until I know for sure. I jumped the gun once and I am still a bit chagrined about it (again, El Salto is very much open for business).
• A few markets, including George's Farm Market (map), which looked more like a florist shop than a farmer's market, the Pavan Food Store (map), Parkville's own Indian-Pakistani market, and Nature's Pantry (map), selling health food since 1976.
• Of course, if healthy vegan stuff is not your cup of tea, there is the Pizza Man (map) pizza and subs place right next door. The New York Pizza and Chicken (map) is a bit further down but not an unreasonable walk.
  
• I almost stopped in the House of Kabob (map), but all they had was a buffet and I had enough food for a while (I stopped there after finding lunch -see below). The next time I'm up this way I'll stop in. If you're interested in learning Farsi, they have info posted right on the door!
• And of course, the local Irish pub, the Emerald Tavern (map). I'm not sure if they have lunch, but it definitely serves its fair share of bar food staples.
  

My head hurt because, as usual, it takes me forever to make a decision. Since I wasn't quite sure what I was looking for, and since it wasn't too miserable out, I parked in the public parking across from the former Atlantic Seafood (Is it now up for sale?) and had a walk around town.

I got as far as across the street.

The folks at both Baltimore Magazine and the City Paper are wild about Jerry D's (map), a Parkville staple that serves, it seems, just about everything. Seafood-wise you sure won't be hurtin' - crab meat (I saw lump from North Carolina and Alabama at $25 per pound each - what about the Chesapeake Bay?), crabcakes, crab fluffs, crab legs (the Alaskan kind), softs, hard shell crabs - just like the Crabby Cousins (map) next door - shrimp, clams, oysters (both North Carolina and Maryland), ah screw it, just look at the menu yourself. Their raw platter must serve a dozen people at least, since it's big enough to cost you a good $100 (that isn't an option for lunch, I might add). Plus, Baltimore Magazine touts its pit beef sandwich (at $5.50) as the best in Baltimore. Don't tell that to the folks at the Charcoal Grill (map) down the street, in the Putty Hill Shopping Center (also home to several other food options)

And, Jerry's serves various Sun of Italy products, 99¢ hamburgers and a dizzying variety of foot long hot dogs, none more than $4. Several are that price, including, among others, their "brat dog" (brat as in bratwurst, not as in Stop kicking me, you brat!), "kosher dog" (only Nathan's finest will do) and their "veal dog" (the weisswurst, with "tiger sauce"?). Their basic dog is their "Jerry Dog" and goes for $2. It just has mustard and onions. I went a little further and got the "Parkville Dog", with mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and grilled onion. I didn't get home for another 45 minutes, so it wasn't terribly hot, but the fact that it was still somewhat warm was enticing enough. There is just something satisfying, even sensuous (get yer mind outta the gutter) about a nicely grilled foot long hot dog. It certainly compensated for the onions, tasty though extremely stringy - one bite and three whole unseverable onions come right out of the bun. But even with that, it was tasty.

Eeeee-v'ry night he brings me FRANKfurter sandwiches FRANKfurter sandwiches

Along with the dog I started thinking ahead to dinner, and bought a quarter peck (a lilttle over 2 L, or half a dry gallon) of North Carolina oysters ($6, only because our own Chesapeake Bay urshters cost two dollars more). The big heavy bag came out with my foot long, and it took my opening the bag to realize that the peck of oysters were live oysters in the shell. Sometimes, I'm a dumbass. But keep looking for a future post to find out what I did with those oysters last night (again, mind out of gutter).

Yeah, hon, daoze 'rrr urshters!

Before heading back I looked for something to go with my foot long. Now, I rarely eat donuts. I'm very worried that may change after coming across this Fractured Prune place (map) - an Ocean City-based franchise with stores all over Maryland (13 to be exact, with three in OC - and two more in development), 22 locations in all, in such far-flung places as Pennsylvania, Delaware, Virginia and North Carolina - and as far north as Ohio, as far south as Mississippi, and soon to be in Florida.

This place, I think, really could give Krispy Kreme a run for its money if it got big enough (pace all the Krispy Kreme supporters out there - and no, Dunkin Donuts is definitely leagues behind by now). This donut - a hot (that's important) cake donut with toppings dealt out after it's freshly made - has a dizzying variety of flavors. It's almost like the donut version of Cold Stone Creamery - Hot Dough Creamery? - with various icings, toppings (peanut, chocolate chips, coconut, etc) and sugars to sprinkle onto your donut. Here's a glimpse of the variety right here.

And because this was my first time (a Fractured Prune virgin - oooh, that sounds odd), I got to try a complimentary donut, the O.C. Sand: honey glaze and cinnamon sugar (not my choice, theirs, but still). It was a very good donut, too. I kept on nibbling the three others I bought in the car (one dollar each, and already four months' worth of donuts for me):

• triple chocolate (not on their menu, but apparently a featured donut: chocolate glaze and chocolate chips on a hot chocolate donut);
  
• lemonade (just lemon glaze and sugar on a regular donut); and
• the drag-queen-sounding Ms. Prunella (mixed berry and cinnamon sugar, again on a regular donut).

Mmmm. Doooo -nut.

I took Putty Hill back towards Towson (needed to pick up an oyster shucking knife and Bed Bath and Beyond was on the way) and hardly got very far when I realized that I had eaten about half of each donut! Of course, these donuts especially are best when eaten hot. I swear, Krispy Kreme ruined me for Dunkin Donuts by making them hot. And I gotta say, Fractured Prune has now ruined me for Krispy Kreme with their "design your own donut" idea. With one exception, I might add (this would certainly win over Paula Deen): their Prunewich: a plain hot cake donut with scrambled egg, with or without cheese and/or meat. Umm, ick. That is never going into my mouth. For any reason. But the donuts, sure - I'd eat them again. I just have to force myself not to.

UPDATE: Baltimorediary recently posted with some very helpful information. Included are a few places I missed by not going a little bit further (they are now added at the end; links are added by me):

If you'd gone just a little further south, you'd also have struck on Fenwick Bakery, and Mastellone's, an Italian deli that is one of the best in the city. It's owned by the same people who run DiPasquale's in Highlandtown.

Now I know a good Italian deli (map to Mastellone's) on the northeast side of town. And you have to hit me with a stick to keep me away from a good bakery (map to Fenwick), y'all.

Other Photos:

Yes, it is a weird combination.

About the most literal name for a pub I have ever seen. Next to the most literally-named nail salon I have ever seen. Also nearby are the aptly named "Bank", "CD Store" and "Place to Dump Your Old Clothes and Shoes".

Places I visited:

Fractured Prune (donuts / breakfast - one of 13 locations in Maryland, 22 total locations in and around the East Coast) - 8705 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 661-9999

• Would I eat there again? I certainly would, though I must force myself to go infrequently
• Would I go out of my way to eat there again? They are now all over the place, so I don't have to.
  

Jerry D's (crabs / seafood / deli / burgers and dogs) - 7804 Harford Road, Parkville MD 21234; Phone: (410) 668-1299

• Would I eat there again? Definitely
  
• Would I go out of my way to eat there again? Sure
  

Places to look up later:

Charcoal Grill (pit beef - one of three are locations) - Putty Hill Shopping Center, 8355 Old Harford Road (next to the Liquor Pump), Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 668-9212

Crabby Cousins (crabs) - 7800 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 668-0020

Emerald Tavern (pub) - 8300 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 661-2299

Fenwick Bakery (bakery) - 7219 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 444-6410

George's Farm Market (market - produce / flowers) - 7956 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 668-3322

House of Kabob (Persian) - 8025 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 663-0211

Lee On Chinese Restaurant (Chinese) - 8402 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 663-8300

Marie Conn's Kitchen (Italian / Tex-Mex) - 8335 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 661-2200

Mastellone's (Italian / deli / pizza) - 7212 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 444-5433

Nature's Market (health food / vegetarian) - 7948 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 882-5551

New York Pizza and Chicken (pizza / fried chicken) - 7812 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (443) 384-2285

Pavan Food Store (market - Indian / Pakistani) - 8904 Harford Road, Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 663-3201

Pizza Man (pizza and subs) - 7946 Harford Road; Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 663-1200

***And here's something weird: Google "Sun of Italy", in quotation marks, and http://sunofitaly.com is the seventh link to come up. WTF?

Exits 29A & B: Cromwell Bridge Road and MD-524 South (Loch Raven Blvd)

$423 for new brake pads and a new set of calibers. And $50 for car rental fees. AND $20 more for a 1/3 tank of gas!

It was this mindset that I took with me in my zippy new, gas-guzzling "economy" car - a 2008 Chrysler Sebring from Enterprise - with less than 1,000 miles on it. The car I own and drive - and have just four more payments on before it's all mine - is a 2002 Ford Escort with over 128,000 miles on it. It's no longer a nice one, though one mechanic told me he'd love to have a hundred Ford Escorts.

But lunch still waited, and I was gonna do this anyway, so.

First I headed off the Beltway to Cromwell Bridge Road. I had that pit beef truck - at the bottom of the hill, around the intersection of Cromwell Bridge and Gleneagle (map) - in mind that I saw on my confusing excursion off of Exit 28. But I passed it up, since I had no cash on hand and kind of doubted that the pit beef folks would take a debit card. Oh well. I have to come back for it then.

After wandering up the hill, I found no food. A veterinary ER, a natural store, etc., but nothing to eat. So after a few other turns I finally went the other way, in the direction of Exit 29B, Loch Raven Blvd and that road-that-won't-let-you-escape, Joppa Road. Now I’m not ignoring the fabulous Bel-Loc Diner, a place I’ve written about before. But since I’m writing about places I haven’t written about before, you’ll hear nothing more about them. Just remember they have a pretty good hamburger, more satisfying than most area diners I’ve been to (Towson Diner – okay, Double T Diner – pass).

So here I found a few other places I need to go back to, past the huge and comprehensive Beltway Fine Wines & Spirits (map - I've mentioned it before but never really talked about it) most of which are on Joppa. A non-exhaustive list (that is, I left some out), amid the various Subways, McDonald'ses and Hooterses:

*Pastore's Italian Delly (map) - yes, delly - with Italian meats and cheeses, sandwiches, subs and a whole other mess of Italian products that will likely necessitate my visiting the place soon.

*Casey's Bar and Restaurant (map), which has karaoke, live music and its very own MySpace page (Casey's is 23 years old, a Libra, and straight. It currently has no children but hopes to someday.)

In addition are a few places to get a good dose of crabs - crab cakes, steamed crabs, soft crabs - etcetera. These are all pretty difficult to miss.

* Orchard Landing (map), touting itself as the finest seafood and steaks in the area. They got crabcakes, hon.

* Conrad's Crabs & Seafood Market (map), selling what else? Crabs and seafood. This will be the next one I visit when I'm in the area.

And then there was Don's Crabs (map; their "www.donscrabs.com" website is down, but check out this review from Life in Baltimore). With three locations, Don’s has been around for about 30 years, as it proudly states on its takeout menus. It is prime crab steamin’ territory, with a large area that looks sort of like the shower in a locker room, but with numbered chest-high spigots on the wall (at least fourteen). When I got there the guys behind the counter were getting ready to steam a bushel in a large metal cylindrical, er, steaming thing. (What is that called again? A steamer, right? They’re not gonna revoke my Maryland citizenship, right? Right?) On my side of the counter is a big, chair-and-table-free central are surrounded by cases of frozen and fresh seafood. Behind one freezer door lie frozen softs and quarts of delicious crab soup. I pondered a soft shell crab sandwich, but as usual I was bewildered and baffled by all the choices available to me.

Don’s sells both raw and prepared seafood, and apparently at the same prices. The menu offers up many cheap sandwiches and lunch offerings under $10, though if you’re not careful it can easily go double that. Among Don’s offerings, many available as sandwiches and entrées

• 4 and 6 oz crab cakes, less lump or backfin and more special, which I like in its own right, no too much filling, and fried (prices start around $6 for the 4 oz.)
• padded oysters – individually fried, $1.89 each
• soft shell crab sandwiches – at the market price. The day I went a soft shell crab went for $4.50 frozen (out of season, of course)
• steamed crabs, at the market price. They are not cheap anymore.
• fish galore! Flounder, catfish, lake trout (prices vary - cheaper for a sandwich, about $7 to $8 each)
• plenty of sides, including hush puppies, onion rings, fries
• they sell both Old Bay – in all sizes – and their own seasoning mix

Since I wanted to try as much as possible, I ordered a combo ($13): one 4 oz crab cake, flounder and clam strips, with two of a limited selection of sides (others are extra). My sides were small fries and cole slaw, but I wanted hush puppies, for which I had to shell out an extra $2.50 (for six). Grand total after tax: about $17! This had turned into no small lunch, but I would later find that this meal would take several days to finish (it’s Sunday as I write this, and I am getting my third meal out of this combo lunch).

The grub - and no it's not a very good picture.

Some thoughts on the grub:

• I liked the flavor and texture of the crab cake, small as it was. Even though I usually get mine broiled (it’s a little healthier in my mind than a fried one), I prefer the fried ones when I want to splurge on calories (which is rare). Again, I’m fine with special meat. Heck, sometimes I am even more in the mood for it instead of lump or backfin.
• They gave me four or five fried flounder filets, which were totally bone-free. Still they were kind of bland, and upon reheating, a little tough on the ends.
• Same with the clams – a little bland, though more flavorful than the flounder, and a little tough when reheated.
• As with most places, I found the fries to be forgettable, Maybe I should just stop ordering fries.
• The hush puppies tasted great, though they were a little doughy inside. Reheating them seems to solve that problem, if you reheat the whole plate on high for a minute.
• Don’s seems to adhere to the “little finely puréed bits of cabbage and carrots” school of cole slaw thought. It has its merits, and the flavor is nice. Still crunchy after a few days.

I’d like to stop by and try their steamed crabs at some point, though after spending so much lately on car repairs, and then almost $20 more on lunch (I should’ve gotten something smaller – something I have to do for Exit 30), I will have to put that off for now. I must mention that their service was very helpful and friendly, especially to the little old lady who came in looking for another crab place. It took her a good while to get in and out of her car. She didn't leave empty-handed, mind you; she did buy something at Don's.

UPDATE: Mark wrote me about a few good places, which you can read about in the comments section. But there was one I forgot about but I did visit a while back. The Orchard Market & Café (map) is a pretty tasty, BYOB Persian restaurant. The prices seemed pretty reasonable. I went there on a date a few months back and meant to write about it, but I just kind of forgot (too much happening, guess it got lost in the shuffle). So just to mention it: Orchard Market - tasty Persian food.

Other photos:

Orchard Landing is pretty difficult to miss. Just look for the big purple letters and the Gardiner's Furniture marquis (unless you're coming from Towson, in which case you wil have missed it if you pass Gardiner's)

Places I visited:

Beltway Fine Wines & Spirits (market - beer / wine / liquor) - 8727 Loch Raven Blvd., Towson, MD 21286; Phone: (410) 668-8884

• Would I shop there again? Probably
• Would I go out my way to shop there again? Probably not, since I live near a few good places already
  

Don's Crabs (crabs / seafood) - 1764 E. Joppa Rd., Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 661-1232

• Would I eat there again? Probably, at least to try the crabs
  
• Would I go out my way to eat there again? Maybe

Orchard Market (Persian / Iranian) - 8815 Orchard Tree Lane, Towson, MD 21286; Phone: (410) 339-7700

• Would I eat there again? Yes, I just haven't gotten around to it
• Would I go out of my way to eat there again? Yeah, I think so
  

Places to look up later:

Casey's Bar & Restaurant (bars and pubs) -1742 E. Joppa Rd., Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: 410-665-9683

Conrad's Crabs & Seafood Market (crabs / seafood) - 1720 E. Joppa Rd., Parkville, MD 21234; Phone: (410) 882-1515

Orchard Landing (American / Maryland / seafood) - 1528 E. Joppa Rd., Towson, MD 21286; Phone: (410) 823-5050

Pastore's Italian Delly (Italian / deli) - 8646 Loch Raven Boulevard, Towson, MD 21286; Phone: (410) 825-5316 and -5317

Pit beef truck (pit beef) - near the intersection of Cromwell Bridge Road and Gleneagles Court

Kabob Hut

Left work early today and headed to Timonium to take care of some business. Then I swung by Towson and the Kabob Hut. A minute walk from the York Rd. traffic circle (I'll let you figure out which direction), Kabob Hut serves some decent Middle Eastern (specifically Persian) food. This place specializes in lots and lots of kabobs - of beef, chicken, lamb, etc. You can get these kabobs in both platter and sandwich form. There are also traditional dishes of chicken, lamb, salmon, eggplant.

I didn't have much time so I just stuck with a tried and true favorite, their beef kabob (kebab-e kubideh) platter. This is specially spiced ground beef kebab, served with a generous helping of basmati rice. Kabob Hut's rice is very light, fluffy and flavorful. They sprinkle it with some of a spice that I cannot identify, but it is also in its own little shaker at each table.

Not too long after I ordered, I got my beef kabob. Along with the flavorful beef and rice came a little tub of freshly chopped tomato, onion and cucumber (not terribly stylish, and a little skimpy to be honest). There was another little tub of yogurt (not enough for my taste) and a little paper container (the kind you usually get filled with French fries) of pita. The pita was not soft, and I hardly touched it. But the kebab and rice were more than enough food to make up for the lacking condiments. Good stuff for $7.99, though they either overcharged for the fountain drink, or grossly overpriced it at around $2 - pushing the bill just over $10. Almost a cheap eat, but not close enough in my book.