How to Burn a Pot of Anything

I am officially incapable of cooking anything on the stove in a covered saucepan without burning the hell out of it. I do not know why this happens to me, but it does. I set the fire as low as I can, leave it like the recipe says, then come back and find a charred mess on the bottom.

This happens all the time with rice. Tonight I was trying out Lundberg's Brown Rice Couscous, which I found at the Milk & Honey in Mount Vernon. Now y'all might be wondering "Oh my God, how in the world can anyone burn couscous!?" Well, the instructions say to cook the couscous over a low flame for 15 minutes before removing from heat,so it's not conventional couscous. But still, I had to leave it, and of course, it burned.

I have a theory: my stove hates me. I mean, I can only set the flame so low before I turn it off. And still it's not enough. So screw it: I'm microwaving everything - and if not I'm throwing it in the rice-cooker.

Happy 1st Day of Christmas: Farm Journal Christmas Cookies Galore

I spent much of yesterday evening baking cookies for the family. I did intend to make those my gifts, though I did eventually break down and buy one sister a Wii game (the absolute cheapest I could find, some Looney Tunes game for $15), and before you know it I had shelled out money on gifts for several people. At least I spent no more than $10 to $15 on each person - something the retailers didn't exactly want to hear.

But I went ahead and made those cookies anyway. They are called "refrigerator cookies", not because they're no-bake (they're not no-bake) but because you chill the dough, much like those Toll House and Pillsbury pre-made doughs. This dough makes a much tastier cookie - none of that funny high fructose corn syrup aftertaste! I got this great recipe from the 1972 Farm Journal Christmas Idea Book, now out of print (duh). Still, I think the copyright police will not be happy if I type it out. I can say that they make for tastier cookies when they are just plain, instead of having stuff mixed in with them. Even better, in my novice cookie-baking career, is to slightly undercook them. Leave them in for as long as the recipe requires and you do get a tasty yet crispy cookie. I like mine a little softer.

Maybe I can get away with a narrative description of the recipe: Basically, you take four sticks of butter, cream them and blend in one cup each granulated and brown sugar, then two beaten eggs and a generous dash of vanilla, and finally four cups of flour sifted in with a teaspoon of baking soda and a little salt. Chill for half an hour before baking. The Farm Journal chefs suggest rolling it all into a long roll and just slicing off 1/8" slivers to bake whenever company drops by unexpectedly. I find it easier to just break off pieces, roll them into a ball and flatten them on the cookie sheet. And as I found out last night, it really helps to have slightly wet hands while you're doing this. It keeps the dough from sticking all over your fingers. After twelve minutes in a 375°F oven, cool them on a wire rack. The recipe says it yields 18 dozen. It does not. It's more like 6 dozen, and those are pretty thin, average diameter cookies.

The recipe calls for variations, including coconut, pecans and chocolate. I divided the dough into eighths and chose different add-ins for each eighth (they are also good plain):

• chocolate / chocolaty chocolate chip - three tablespoons of cocoa + a dash of vegetable oil makes chocolate sugar cookies, but add chocolate chips to really get a chocolaty taste.
• assorted chip cookies - roll into one eighth of the dough about an 1/8 c to a 1/4 cup of chips. Use a variety of chips - I had semisweet chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, cinnamon chips, and butterscotch chips. A thin cookie with lots of chips will need less time to cook and brown faster.
  
• chai spice cookies - I got this idea after watching Sunny Anderson of Cooking for Real on this year's Food Network Conglomeration of Stars Christmas Cooking Special. But I couldn't remember exactly what she put in, so I improvised with what I could remember: about 1/2 tablespoons of cardamom, a teaspoon of cinnamon and a few dashes of freshly ground black pepper, all ground. It still makes for a tasty cookie, even with just those spices.
• anise cookies - I never realized how well anise and cloves went together. Grind together 1/2 a teaspoon of anise seed and about 6 cloves, and add that to plain dough. Even though the anise is very subtle, it still somehow cuts through everything else.

I did have to experiment with some other flavors, just to see what would happen. The results were somewhat mixed. I tried the following add-ins on the last few bits of dough:

• balsamic and olive oil cookies - reduced balsamic vinegar on top of half the cookie, olive oil on the other half.
• cayenne cookies - cookies with a dash of cayenne pepper mixed in. I also played with the thought of mixing in some Old Bay, but that just didn't seem right.
• honey-drizzled cookies - speaks for itself
• peanut butter-jelly cookies - a cookie with a little peanut butter mixed in, topped with jelly
• smoked paprika cookies - again, self-explanatory

Some of these cookies just did not turn out. Thank God I used a silicone baking sheet, which made cleanup much easier

• The biggest failure was the balsamic-olive oil cookie (bottom two in the photo above). I made two and they turned into big , super-burnt lace cookies. Inedible to say the least.
• The honey cookies (second row from the top in the photo above) were also a big disappointment. Plus, what little I could salvage from it was absolutely inedible, with a strange flavor that tasted nothing like honey.
  
• The peppery cookies (cayenne in the second row, smoked paprika in the top left corner) turned out better. They're fine if you like spicy cookies.
• The one that turned out the best was the PBJ cookie, though I'm not the biggest fan of peanut butter in my cookies.

Ah, the wonder of accomplishment! And now I don't think I will ever want to look at another cookie again.

These are all the ones that did turn out.

OH MY GOD, BRAINS

Because it's Halloween, silly...



Now I have the urge to break out my brain-shaped Jell-o mold. Years ago, back in California, I made a brain-shaped dish for a Halloween party. It had peas, broccoli and chicken in a Jell-o-shaped mold. I called it Soylent Green, because Soylent Green is people (IT'S PEOPLE!!!!!), and people taste like chicken.

It wasn't very good.