Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Top Chef 5 Live Blogging: The Today Show!

I'm giving up on rooting for anyone on this show. For one, they have eliminated to only people I really was rooting for (Jill, Richard). For two, there isn't really anyone else I'm really inspired by (yet). So Ive decided: I am no longer rooting for people that I want to see win. Instead, I will openly root for those cheftestants that I want to see booted off the show. Because when I root for someone, they are usually gone by the end of the show.

Drinking game has changed. Drink once if:

  • anyone makes a face while eating something
  • any shameless plugs are made
  • Stefan is arrogant in his Stefanish way
  • any mention of Stefan-Fabio "frenemy" feud
  • any good looking male contestant is shirtless or female contestant is scantilly clad at anytime (you do realize this is happening often now)
  • Fabio mentions something about being Italian (including everyone else not being Italian)
Drink twice if:
  • anyone cries for any reason, especially after packing his or her knives and going
Drink thrice if:
  • any mention is made of Team Rainbow. Now that it consists of one lone member - our dyke-to-watch-out-for Jamie - those mentions will be few and far between. So drink up while the drinkin's good!!!
10:01 God I f*cking HATE Vista!!!

10:02 Rich left a letter on Alex's bed? I've never seen anyone write a letter, nice or otherwise. What the hell: DRINK!

10:03 Team Rainbow mention twice: DRINK DRINK DRINK!!! DRINK DRINK DRINK!!!

10:04 today's guest chef is Rocco DiSpirito. Fabio disses his Italian-ness. Okay, dude, we know he's Italian-American. No need to be hatin'.

Ewww, Jamie ate Chef Boyardee for breakfast? :P

10:05 So the cheftestants have to do an amuse bouche breakfast bite. Stefan talking about cutting an egg in a "perfect round" - like his shiny head!

10:07 The highlights:

Melissa: her French toast is a hit. hey, wasn't she from Baltimore once? We can root for her now! Oooh, that's right Not rooting for anyone.

Radhika: No immediate reaction? At least he didn't wretch!

Ariane: stuffed French toast? Apparently it works!

Jamie: BLT Breakfast Sammich w/ balsamic syrup. Rocco is happy. Go Team Rai... oh.

Leah is whining about these amuses bouchees not being one-bites. Leah's? Now that's a tiny bite! Rocco's happy with just about everything so far.

10:09 And now Padma is hatin' on Fabio. Snap!

Ah, looks like Jeff's luck from last week is running out?

10:10 The losers: Dan "that time of the month" guy and Signore "I'm more Italian than you" Fabio .

The winners: Oh shock. Stefan and Leah. Oooh, and Jamie!

And the winner? Leah! Jamie was a close second Leah's prize? Rocco's new cookbook (in stores now - DRINK!!!)

10:12 And now for the "Next Food Network Star overlap challenge": create a dish for a 2 1/2 minute presentation on live television, and explain it. Poor Fabio. (Hey, he said it, not I.)

So Leah hates live TV. No future on the Food Network for Leah!

10:17 Just added a condition to the TC5 drinking game: drink once if Fabio mentions something about being Italian (including everyone else not being Italian).

10:18 And we're back to Whole Paycheck (WF plug: DRINK). Fabio wants to cut the tuna by himself. How silly these chefs are! Of course, Eugene is all over that sushi. Now he wants to cut it himself. What the hell - is the entire cast going behind the fishmongers' counter?

10:20 Gee, Melissa's getting a whole lot of face time tonight. I wonder if that means something?

Um, Alex, crème brûlée in 2 1/2 minutes? Do we now know who's writing the next sad letter? (Love ya, Richard!)

10:22 The first time I have ever burst out laughing: Ariane is making some "New Jersey beef steak watermelon pumpernickel creme brulee salad with a cabbage foam" or something equally confusing. And then she says it: "Y'know, gotta keep it simple!" HUH!? Did I just hear her correctly?

10:25 Oh, now I understand: Jersey beefsteak tomato salad with watermelon and feta. SIMPLE!!!

How do the rest do after Ariane? A running commentary...

Jamie: plays the fried egg on salad. Had to pull it outta the pan undone.

Alex: Again with the creme brulee. With rose water! Are they happy that he just pulled the done one out? The looks on their faces: DRINK!!!

Jeff: Malfouf roll? With muhammara? Never heard of it. The judges are actually happy about it.

Fabio: cooks for mama. Oh, and he's fresh off the boat. DRINK!!! (Though to be fair, they brought it up.)

Stefan: minestrone - because Swedes know all about Italian food.

Hosea, Eugene, and Melissa with habanero shrimp. Even heat-lovin' Padma can't take it. Tom spits it out.

The rest of them don't even finish. Sad.

10:30 On to disappointments already? Most disappoint. to wit:

Leah's collapse - lucky she has immunity;


Daniel: a mess, but he doesn't seem to realize this yet.

Stefan: being Stefan. DRINK!!!


And it seems that Ariane has had a second wind.

10:32 And their bottom three are Melissa, Jamie and Alex.

Jeff, Fabio, Ariane are at the top! Ariane!?

10:34 The show is half over, and they're setting up Alex to be the one to go home. So why do I get the feeling that our other hometown girl, Bawlmer expatriate Melissa, is the one going home?

10:36 Rude awakening: the winners have to wake up at 3:30 or so, in order to make their foods live on Today.

Wow, that John Chasteen guy has the personality of white rice.

10:37 Food stylist?

Right now I must admit I'm not paying that much attention. It's all "timey wimey wibbly wobbly" Today Show stuff going on.

10:38 Jesus no, it's KATHIE LEE!!!!!

10:40 Wanna know how to cook fast? Take it from Jolene:

10:42 Hey, that's not Kathie Lee! What the hell do I know? I watch Don & Marty and leave on the CBS Early Show. Not that I watch it too often. It's often insufferable. (the CBS Early Show, I mean.)

Lucky Ariane: Meredith Vieira hates watermelon.

Jeff: Watch Kathie Lee spit it out! DRINK!!! Strange, Kathie Lee is the one doing the gagging for a change.

Fabio: they ate his already?

10:43 Ariane's luck continues and continues... The "I'm Ariane and I suck" meme is dead.

10:44 Did this already air or something?

Ariane gets some of Rocco's favorite tools. And Rocco didn't even plug his new cookbook (in stores now)!

Also, plug for Ariane's appearance tomorrow morning (oh, that's when it airs) on the Today Show. DRINK!!!

10:45 And now for the losers. Melissa's was inedible because it was HOTHOTHAHHHHHHHHHT! They're not happy with her.

Jamie: They will send her home, because she made the simple mistake of an undercooked fried egg. Hey guys, she is admitting she made a mistake!!! She's learning from this, people! Don't send her home!

Alex: "I definitely picked the wrong dish." It was kind of dumb to pick something to demonstrate in 2 1/2 minutes that takes an hour. Again, Alex is admitting that.

Remember that, folks: a live television segment is not the time to try something new.

10:48 Melissa is practically begging to stay. Alex gives a relatively good reason for staying: "I'm a lot better than what I've shown you so far."

Let's review the notes, shall we?

Jamie's was close to being good but the execution was flawed.

Melissa still defends the amount of spice.

And Alex thinks Melissa is throwing him under the bus?

10:51 So my gut tells me that either Alex or Melissa will go home tonight. Therefore, I predict that Jamie goes home. Why? Because they usually seem to keep the person who made the worst dish, and get rid of the person with the next worst dish. So it's Jamie.

10:54 I really, REALLY f*cking HATE Vista!!!

10:57 They had a phone poll tonight? Oh, I didn't notice.

10:58 So who goes home tonight? Is my theory correct? The expat Bawlamoron, the sensitive guy-under-the-bus, or the lone member of Team Rainbow?

10:59 Ah, I was wrong again. The judges thwart my system - my non-existent system for figuring out who goes home - by sending home Alex for his shockingly bad choice of being the only person to choose something to cook in 2 1/2 minutes that normally takes an hour. Bad call, dude, bad call.

And next week: a bridal shower. Men and women invited.


Ah Alex, we hardly knew ye. I didn 't really have a stake in Alex staying or leaving. Still, as the replay kicks on in the background, his letter from Richard (actually, it's to Alex, Jamie and Carla) is a little wistful.

Ooooh damn, I missed him crying. One two for the road: DRINK DRINK!!!


theminx said...

I'm not rooting for anyone either. I thought about getting on the Melissa bandwagon, but her bangs annoy me.

Nanc Twop said...

LOL - at this rate you should get sponsored by the liquor companies... just start mentioning all the brands you're slurping down just to make it through this one hour show ;-)

Never knew who Alex was and then -zip- he and his brulee were cremed.