TC5 Live Blogging II: Show Your Craft

On to episode two, and I'm not sure how many people they plan to eliminate tonight. It's New York - anything can happen in New York!

Down here in Baltimore, however, I am already starting to look for stupid catchphrases and mannerisms that could magically transform into this season's live-blogging drinking game. The brew of choice tonight? That famous Austro-Mexican import Negra Modelo, that tasty, dark chilango beer brewed right in the largest city in the Western Hemisphere.


It would have been a good complement with the cochinita pibil I had tucked away in the freezer. None of this has anything to do with tonight's episode of TC5, where our hapless cheftestants prepare lunch in Tom's restaurant. Hilarity ensues!

10:00 I still think Ariane's days are numbered on this show.

Y'all might think this is the gayest season of Top Chef, but don't forget Series 3, which had two gay men and a proud dyke. And there were fewer cheftestants, too.

10:01 And our first shirtless contestant, surfer boy! Also sounds like Richard is not going to let "Team Rainbow" set with the sun. (Go, go, bear boy!)

10:04 Donatella Arpaia is the guest judge, and will judge this fave New York dish for the quickfire challenge. Hmmm, that'd be WEINER DOGS!

10:05 Ah, the best dog gets its maker immunity, too. Again, no play by play, but people are panicking over a hot dawg. Dan is gettin' all New Yawk-y now.

10:07 What? Both Eurochefs are doing panino dogs?

Jill is doing rice paper wrapped Asian dogs. Radhika? Indian kabob dogs.

Oh dear, this is just fascinating.

10:07 Ooooh, Chef Jill didn't make her dog from scratch. Are they not pleased?

10:09 Eugene's hot dog sushi is definitely a winner on the "bizzarest way to present a hot dog" award.

I must say all this is making me want a hot dog.

10:10 Oooooh, Jamie's dog has bones in it! Well, dog, bone, it really makes sense.

You can just see the condescencion in Angelina the hot dog cart person's face.

10:10 Yikes, Baltimoreans! Jill's is Donatella's least favorite. But last week's winner Stefan also ranked at the bottom so don't feel so bad.

10:12 Radhika's dog kabob is the winner! Can Jill redeem herself? Let's hope so.

10:15 And now the elim challenge: create a three-course "New American" lunch menu. Sort of nouveau American.

10:16 Jeff, duuuuuuuuuude...

10:17 And off to Whole Paycheck for the ingredients for today's challenge. $2500 should get you a few loaves of spelt bread and some good salmon.

Hosea, dude, we have perfectly good blue crab on this coast! Ah, fine use the Dungeness...

Ostrich eggs?

10:18 I'm guessing this is a group challenge. The chefs hit the pedal to the metal as they go on and cook. There are three groups: appetizers, entrées and desserts. Jill is intimidated by this big ass ostrich egg. Awww, look at Fabio helping out.

Damn! Ostrich egg?

10:19 Oh God, Tom has an announcement. The cheftestants are caught unawares that the restaurant they use is his. (Hey, DirecTV told me that.) But here's the real catch: all the guests are people who tried out for TC5 and didn't make it.

I smell blood.

10:21 And ostrich egg?

Say, uh, Fabio and Stefan: y'all want a room? Team Rainbow has some room now.

10:22 The text question should make all us rooting for the local chef nervous:

"Do you think Jill's choice of an ostrich egg was too risky?"

I can see where this is going. I'm not liking it. (Hey, I liked the risk. Especially from the only quickfire chef who didn't make her own hot dog from scratch.)

10:24 Whoa, talk about brief commercial breaks.

Wait, what the hell was that!?!?

Did they just have a ten second pause between commercials?

10:27 Yep, some of these guys are freaking. Gorgeous restaurant this Craft place.

10:29 It's not his accent at all. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell Fabio was just talking about with his olives.

Ah, an ostrich quiche is what Jill was going for.

10:30 Kitchen vignettes:

* Ariane's lemon meringue martini makes Richard wince - too sweet!!!!11 She's stuck with it.

10:31 And here are our diners, disgruntled Top Chef wannabes ready to screw someone.

Uh, dudes, I wouldn't be talking such a big game if I was y'all. I mean, you didn't even make it on the show, so...

10:33 Ah, this is the second time we've seen Alex today. Probably means he's safe.

Aaaaand appetizers go first. Fan reactions?

Jamie (chilled corn soup): smooth, rich, light...

Hosea (cold Dungeness with citrus vanilla dressing): terrible, slimy, out of a can... Ooooooooo...

Leah (Yukon taters with scallops): sandy

Fabio (beef carpaccio with olives): beautiful, different. Fabio rules!

Melissa (chilled avocado etc): does not stand out, disgruntled chef bitching.

10:35 Entrees!!!

Jill (ostrich quiche): dog food, tastes like glue. It was good knowing you, Jill.

Eugene (open meatloaf): bad

Stefan (halibut): lovely, the good way to do quiche

Jeff (Southern chicken with honey mustard): they like it

Alex (pork tenderloin): not good at all, could've gotten at home

10:38 And desserts...

Radhika (avocado mousse): sweet guacamole, you can tell she has immunity

Daniel (ricotta pound cake): good job

Ariane (lemon meringue martini and cherry surprise): LOOK AT PADMA'S FACE!!! Minx had best have that up tomorrow.

Richard (what was that again?): my nieces & nephews would go crazy over this)

Carla (rustic apple tart): one of Padma's favorites

10:39 The wannabes are sickened. Tom is very disappointed. Clunky regional American food is what they gave 'em!

10:40 Coming up... the judges rip our cheftestants a new one. Maybe they wish they had been the ones eating?

10:41 Well my Negra Modelo is sitting there waiting impacientemente for me to drink it, but alas, no drinking game yet. So here's a suggestion for one: any time anyone makes a nasty face after eating something made by one of the cheftestants, DRINK!!! My first one for this season is retroactive back to Padma's priceless reaction to Ariane's sugar meringue sugartini with sugar jubilee.

10:44 The good news: the food was quick! The bad news: that's it.

Jamie, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, Jill and Hosea are summoned. I'm not sure how I feel about this pulling both the winners and losers at the same time. Kind of like Project Runway.

10:46 First the good dishes:

Carla: fabulous

Fabio: thinks they hate his dish. Silly Italian, we loved it!

Jamie's soup was a lovely dish, and the texture was good and fresh.

The winner? Fabio! Stefan isn't the only Eurochef on the fast track to the title of Top Chef, now is he? I hope Stefan doesn't headbutt Fabio or anything.

10:48 And now the bad dishes...

Hosea is surprised. He figured it was a good dish. Most of the wannabes said the crab dish was too sweet and not salty. Vanilla with crab? Oy.

Ariane: not interesting. Y'all do this at your restaurant? THIS?

Jill: The flavors did not mesh well. Jill is trying to explain why she should stick around. Hey, at least she tried something different!

10:51 Ostrich egg?

Tom thought it was odd that Hosea liked his dish. Taste issues?

As for Ariane: THAT FACE!!! She spat it out it was so bad.

Jill: her defense of her dish was the lamest in any of five seasons. Uh oh. In her defense, she did think it would make her stand out.

10:52 I'm really not feeling good about Jill's chances right now. If I had to place bets, I'd say Hosea is safe. So it's a battle between Ariane and Jill. This is Ariane's second trip in a row to the loser's group, but they really didn't like that quiche.

This is tough, but I'm going to hedge my bets and say our hometown favorite Jill is heading back to the Red Maple. But I give it slim odds: 3:2 Jill goes home. Those are pretty close odds, though (that's 1.5:1).

10:56 Top Chef viewers think the ostrich egg was too risky. Again:

Ostrich egg?

10:57 And the loser is...

DAMN! I was right, and I'm quite disappointed about that.

10:58 And the "Ariane has a low opinion of herself" meme continues.

10:59 And see what Jill misses next week: the Foo Fighters!?

POST-SHOW ANALYSIS

**SIGH** I had hoped not to post this picture for a while.

Yes, the hometown chef Jill is comin' back to Bawlmer. But we need her back in town anyway. I think now I'm even more interested in (saving up money for a while and) going to Red Maple to try out what Padma, Tom & Gail are missing out on from Chef Jill this season. It's just a damn shame she saw that big egg.

Okay, one more time for the road...

Ostrich egg!!!