Top Chef 5 Live-Blog: Down on the Farm

It's time to get all Top Chef-y! And I'm gonna make a prediction already: It's Carla's night to go home. Yup. She's been faring pretty poorly these last few weeks, and y'all know the other cheftestants are wondering how she has been able to stick around. I don't dislike her or anything. I just think it's time to admit: it's Carla's time to pack knife and go.

Whether I'm wrong or right, I'll be drinking Harpoon Winter Warmer for my drinking game. It's got a nice flowery scent and tastes a little like allspice. It's a lovely beer.


10:00 Yep, the bald Englishman is here to stay. I dunno, he's kinda creepy.

Isn't it funny how Ariane has managed to stick around. She went from being Ms. I suck to Oh my Gawd, they LOVE what I'm doing!

10:02 Shirtless Jeff - DRINK!

Ooooh, everyone hates Stefan. Possible victim of a knife-packing accident?

10:03 And of course, TC3's winner Hung Huynh is back as guest gudge. And he and Padma get to show the arrogant ones their ingredients: make a delicious dish in only 15 minutes - with ONLY non-fresh ingredients (or as Jeff says, junk). Yeah, but what are YOU gonna eat when the zombie apocalypse happens, dude?

10:05 And the award for the douche-bags that don't realize lots of people have to subsist on canned stuff goes to: everyone on the show!

10:06 Fillet him, Hosea. Fillet him!!!

At least there were no shameless plugs. Okay, there are Spam and Cool Whip, but those are less brand names than types of food, I guess.

10:08 Hung seems more amused than appetized. But hey, the chefs thought this challenge was, well, beneath them. So you know what? Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. Except for Hosea. Jeff actually took his stuff and made it good. But the winner? Oh. Stefan. Herra Douchebag, as they might say in Finnish. Er, what's Finnish for "douchebag" again?

10:10 Oh, not the drawing knives thing again!

The elim challenge: creat a seasonal meal based on the animal whose name appeared on their knife.

Coming up: Jamie actually field dresses Stefan. You GO, girl!

10:14 So back in the loft, Ariane and the loveboids talk lamb, Carla and the hatebirds - that'd be Jamie and Stefan - discuss chicken. Stefan is trying to strong arm the ladies to do what he wants. Jamie ain't goin' for it.

Pork is what Fabio, Radhika and beach boy are doing. They agree beforehand to no Italian or Indian. Oh well. Should that be a DRINK for Fabio even saying "Italian"?

10:16 Yay, Jamie!!!

10:17 Hosea, dude, I don't know what you're freakin' about, man. Remember: Ariane could literally crap on the plate and the judges will think it's fried gold. Don't sweat it.

10:18 Dan Barber, famous farm fresh chef, is the host of the event. AND, no shopping at Whole Foods. DRINK, just because of Jeff's disgruntled, surfer-dude-haze despondance.

10:20 I love that they have to rewrite their menus on-site, to use farm-fresh ingredients. And you KNOW they'll have to catch and kill their own food. Heheheheh.

PETA will not be amused.

10:22 Speaking of PETA: Did you hear about this idiocy?

10:25 BTW: DRAIN THE GLASS every time Top Chef 5 comes back as a "break between commercials." Drain 'em now, y'all.

10:26 Also DRINK for Stefan acting, y'know, Stefanish. Actually, I should've been doing that the whole time, but one can only drink so much in one night. And I gotta get up early in the morning.

10:29 So... they didn't get to kill it?

Hey, I thought they weren't doing anything Indo-Italian!

10:30 Jamie, Girl, you KNOW Stefan's goin' out on his ego-trip. Just deal with it. Pre-emptive DRINK!

10:31 Okay - an hour to peel & greel, er, grill 10 cobs of corn? Wow.

And let's see what faces Tom makes today... a funny grin, an interested look at fried green tomatoes, nothing too worrisome yet. Much better than Whole Foods. All of a sudden, I feel the need to farmer's market hop.

Stefan's doing a soup. Tom thinks that's a bad idea. HAHAHAHAHAH

10:33 Why does Ariane look like she's channeling spirits or astral projecting? That look on her face is simply demonic!

I love lamb. The other night I made Giada's Moroccan lamb with couscous: just sprinkle lamb chops with salt n' pepper and rosemary, grill it, and douse it with a balsamic-honey-garlic-oil sauce. Mmmm.

10:35 And now the dishes: ah, they're going too fast for me. it's lamb and pork and chicken. Deal.

How do they like it?

The chicken is unimpressive - hot consomme is not good in the summer, but it WAS very tasty. The cutlets were good with the salad, though. Fried chicken is good, too.

Lamb people: "A mess." Toby: lamb dressed as mutton? Oooooo. Outta season, but the taters were good.

Oooh, didya see the look on Stefan's face?

The pork people: the pesto overpowers the pig. Pork loin needs fat. The best part? The fried green tomatoes.

Hmmm...

10:38 Dessert!

Chicken team's strawberry tart: lovely. They bided their thyme!

Pork team: creme brulee is too sweet. Ouchie. But it was small so not heavy.

Lamb team shortcake made a mess.

Soooo... someone on the lamb team is gonna be sacrificed tonight!

10:41 Oh I HATE Betty! She's so fake, y'know? Very mean to young Marcel - a little asswipe, but he didn't deserve all that hateful treatment. Dude!

Betty's Diet Dr. Pepper thing counts as a shameless plug. DRINK!!!

10:45 James, Carla and Stefan won. PLEASE don't let Stefan be THE winner!!! BTW: Carla's dessert was their fave, so I am wrong from the beginning. Girl is not goin' home at all.

Oh, COP OUT! Dan Barber tells all three that they are co-winners. How the lowly have risen.

Bad news, though: EVERYONE else has to go back. Again, ouchie.

10:46 That look on Tom's face was priceless. Ah, what the hell? DRINK!

Back-pedaling - It was Jeff's idea to remove the fat. And he says he's from the South. Right, so is Ariane.

Tom thinks Radhika didn't do damn near enough.

As for the lamb people: Why tenderize baby lamb? Ariane did that. Why did she alone do the lamb? Why do you people suck! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! (Aaaah, the grilling!)

10:49 I don't know if Hosea answered that question to their satisfaction.

10:50 I'm not sure whom they'll eliminate. Long story short: a case of ingredients in the wrong hands.

Toby: pork dish was anemic. Also DRINK since Toby just damn well ick'd me out with that "unprotected sex" with pork comment.

New drinking game rule: every pithy, bitchy thing Toby says deserves a swig. Not including the "she can't cook" comment about Ariane.

10:52 Ouch - are the judges throwing Leah under the bus for letting Ariane take the fall? Hmmm...

10:54 Yeah, and after that Slim-Fast she snarfs down five cupcakes in five minutes.

10:55 I'm getting tired. Is this show over yet?

10:56 Tom, blah blah, Earth, yadayadayada.

I don't know who's leaving. I just can't say. I'm thinking Leah or Ariane.

The lamb team is THE losing team - so it's Ariane, Leah or Hosea.

Mmm, umm, I'll flip a coin and go with Ariane.

10:58 And I was right. But y'know: a Top Chef should know how to truss up a piece o' lamb.

Coming up next week - uh-oh, it's Restaurant Wars. Do I smell a 75 minute episode next week?

Oh ICK, people. Get a frickin' room!

POST-GAME ANALYSIS -

She ain't shittin' fried gold anymore. I'm surprised Ariane lingered so long, but that first episode left a bad impression I guess. She seemed to pick up steam and could do no wrong after that. Tonight was a bad night for most of the cheftestants, and frankly, Ariane deserved to go as much as Leah or Hosea. But again: Ariane's hometown of Verona, NJ, isn't that far away, so at least it's not too far.