Saturday, January 24, 2009

Top Chef 5 Late-Blogging: Restaurant Wars (or, So what's the point of live-blogging a repeat?)

I've gotten away from the cable-less-ness of home and am at the parents' house, getting ready to watch Top Chef 5's repeat of "Restaurant Wars." No beer, no up-to-the-minute updates. Just occasional observations, which may be interrupted by a spate or two of laundry.

Note: I have deliberately avoided reading summaries of this episode by others, such as Minx and Nanc Twop and, well, Bravo's website, so that I could be surprised. So if so-and-so got his or her butt kicked out, I'm blissfully unaware.

1:05 Jeff: you could sell me your body, for one. WOOF

1:07 I missed Stefan's restaurant concept. Was it Scandinavian prick?

Nope - it's Euro-American douche.

1:09 Fabio and Jeff are at the bottom (popping young Jeff's ego), while Radhika's and Leah's are the top! Funny - I wouldn't have thought of covering tempura in a wet sauce.

1:10 Oh, ick, guys, get a room already!

1:12 Mmmm, these six-minute-in-the-microwave Chow Mein containers are filling.

1:14 Anyone care to bet that Stefan is the last one chosen? Oops, I was right.

1:15 An added advantage of giving your restaurant a Sanskrit name: it sounds both cool and pretentious to anyone who knows nothing about Sanskrit. Ooooh, I didn't say it was pretentious - just that it sounds pretentious to those who like pretentious-sounding restaurants.

1:17 Again ICK!!!!!1!11!!!

1:18 Shirtless Fabio - DRINK! And correction, Hosea: you had a girlfriend. Yeah, they're not romantically involved. I've had "friends" with whom I've been so "not romantically involved" too.

1:20 It's Sahana vs the Sunset Lounge! Why does this sound like professional wrestling to me?

1:21 It looks like pan-West and South Asian vs pan-East Asian/Pacific Islands.

Oh, BTW: DRINK TWICE every time Hosea and Leah's "no-mance" is shoved down our throats. And if we can hear actual sloppy wet kissing, DRAIN THE GLASS!

1:27 It'd be even cooler if she said "Welcome to Sahana" in Sanskrit. Or barring that, Hindi. Oh, and the restaurants are set up at New York's Bridgewaters Restaurant.

1:28 God, waiters are so stupid! Whine whine whine. DRINK - just cuz Jamie is acting like a douche this time.

1:29 The soup sounds good, and the judges liked Sahana's appetizer, too. Less thrilling are the couscous and the fish. The dessert even less so.

1:32 Ouch - it tastes like lotion!? DRINK!

1:33 Sunset Lounge Time! Sunset Lounge Time!

Gratuitous "I'm Italian!" reference - DRINK!

1:34 That was the strangest look of non-displeasure I've ever seen on Tom's face. "I've had frozen eggrolls that taste better" doesn't sound very positive, though.

1:35 Not bad isn't exactly what Leah wants to hear, I guess. Kissy kissy sounds, now that's what she wants to hear!

1:36 They loved the ribs, but haaaaaaated the undercooked fish under a bed of mouthwatering salty salt doused in salt.

1:37 How'z about the desserts? They're better than the meal, and better than Sahana's.

1:38 Ooooh, look what I found on Wikipedia: this could be what they put on Sahana's sign: सहाना, or "sahānā" (only visible if your browser is Hindi-script enabled).

1:39 And everyone seems to have sucked all-around.

So Team SL may win because of Stefan's dessert and Fabio's charm? This despite Team
सहाना's less awful food.

1:40 Again people: DON'T BELIEVE THE CORN LOBBY'S LIES ABOUT HOW HEALTHY CORN SYRUP IS!!! IT'S A BIG, BIG FIB! (Again, thanks, Leslie, for offering me that info on high fructose corn syrup a while back - I really need to take you up on seeing it.)

1:43 Break-between-commercials - DRAIN THE GLASS!

1:47 DRINK anything but Diet Dr. Pepper, for that shameless-but-well-placed plug.

1:48 I'm guessing that Team Sunset Lounge won by a nose.

BUT: Leah, you and your cod suck.

And Stefan continues to annoy the home audience by making wonderful food while being a prick.

1:49 Y'know, the room just lights up when Toby smiles.

1:50 Carla's desserts were the suckiest part of
Team सहाना. Radhika takes blame for not helping out in changing the dessert from "melting ice cream" to "yogurt soup" - and she's a pastry chef! Dude! That and she wasn't the most charming of hostesses. I know - she should've done what Fabio had done and told people she was Italian.

1:53 Most of you know this already, but I'm thinking Radhika went home, no?

1:56 I spent 6 and a half years watching Jillian Barberie when I lived in Riverside and Redlands. I had no idea she either married or gained and lost weight since I had moved. Or became a brunette.

1:58 I was right - it's
नमस्ते for the head of Team Sahānā. Though Leah shouldn't quit holding her breath: it's Fabio and Stefan that helped the Sunset Lounge win. Since she made the most inedible food of the evening, she should have gone home instead!

1:59 Jeez, past season all-stars are competing against them for, I bet, the quickfire challenge.


I don't know quite what to think about Radhika. She seemed to be doing okay so it was probably inevitable that she get kicked out at some point. Though I did like the idea of a South Asian-American Top Chef. Ah, I guess that'll have to wait for the Next Food Network Chef 5. So namaste, Radhika, or as they say in her native Chicago, er, um, "I'm the victim of a plot to raise taxes?"


Nanc Twop said...

LOL @ team euro douche - aka how good desserts by Stefan totally saved Leah's philandering behind this time.

Still can't figure out how quirky Carla could let 2 bad desserts go out the door.

Finally, its not 100% bad... corn syrup, with a bit of red food coloring, makes great fake blood on Halloween. ;-)

Hope you have your cable back!

theminx said...

I find it amusing that Barberie kept that name, considering it was her first married name (her first husband was a baseball player). She looked skanky as a blonde, and even skankier as a brunette.

Now go read my recap! lol

John said...

NT: For shame, Carla.

Minx: From what I understand, she's technically going by either "Jillian Barberie Reynolds" or just "Jillian Reynolds" on Good Day LA (the LA Fox affiliate). Boy, are the folks at GDLA strange.

Dan said...

I'm not a huge fan of the RW eps. While I understand that front of house is an important aspect of a successful restaurant, especially if you're a chef/owner, but I hate seeing somebody go home because they picked smelly candles or didn't say goodbye to the judges. It's called "Top Chef" not "Top Host"... why can't they have two pro hosts so the chefs can all actually, be, um cheffing?

As for Stefan... complete douchebaggery aside he's obviously the most talented chef in the bunch and by not picking him whatsherface sealed her own fate. Guess what? You're not going to get along with everybody you work with but you might have to overlook somebody's hideous personality because of their talent or obvious contributions. Good lesson for these people to learn.

Not playing the drinking game but I will chug a Natty Boh 40 when they finally send Carla packing. How many times can you end up in front of the judges, spout your crazy nonsense, bug out your eyes, promise to do better and somehow not get sent home?