Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Top Chef 5: Gail's Bridal Shower

It's weddin' season at Top Chef 5, and our hapless cheftestants have to cater Gail's bridal shower. Hopefully this means there won't be a wedding challenge later this season? Oh that we were so lucky.

For the most part, the same drinking game rules apply as last week:

Drink once if:

  • anyone makes a face while eating something
  • any shameless plugs are made (drink more and you'll be drunk before the quickfire is over)
  • Stefan is arrogant in his Stefanish way
  • any good looking male contestant is shirtless or female contestant is scantilly clad at anytime (you do realize this is happening often now)
  • Fabio mentions something about being Italian (including everyone else not being Italian)
Drink twice if:
  • anyone cries for any reason, especially after packing his or her knives and going
Drink thrice if:
  • any mention is made of Team Rainbow. Now that its sole member, Jamie, is left, mentions will be few and far between.
Take two shots/swigs if
  • your guess for who is going home is wrong! (added to this section on December 17, 2008)

Tonight's beverage of choice: Clipper City's Winter Storm "Category 5" Ale. Since it feels so wintry today that I went out in shorts. Oh, see if you can guess the TV show that's on in the background. Hiint: It's not Top Chef 5.

Let the showerin' begin.

10:01 Shirtless surfer boy again - DRINK!!!

10:02 Hmmm, Melissa is discussing how close she came to leaving last week. Will she be at Judges' Table this week?

All of a sudden, Stefan seems awfully gross. Even more so were I a lesbian.

10:03 Ah, it's the perpetual identify-that-ingredient game. This time, it's a pair challenge.

10:04 Hosea is right - Dan's mouth really overshadows the fact that he's actually got a brain, too. Wait, what?

How many ingredients can they identify in this shrimp and lobster bouillabaisse? Four each!

10:05 Y'know, there's something kind of arousing about a bald guy that identifies blind ingredients in a shrimp and lobster bouillabaisse.

Dude, crab?

10:07 Fish sauce!?!?

And now we're on to Thai green curry. Is it good or bad if it burns your mouth?

10:08 Right now I'm rootin' for Leah.

10:10 Geez, Carla, if you want to be bald just shave your head.

They're doing mole sauce.

10:11 Dude, oil? What the hell am I criticizing Hosea for, though? I was going to say "water". It's nice to see Stefan knocked down a notch though.

10:12 Playing catch-up. Stefan was so Stefanish that I have to drink half the bottle if I want to keep pace with this drinking game. That part of the game might have to go.

10:16 HIC I dunnooo if I cann sobrr up in time forr tTHix...


Okay, I'm back. I wonder who is on Stefan's team? Lucky Hosea again.

10:17 Wow, they actually like each other on this show? I figured it was more of a Paula Abdul-Simon Cowell sort of relationship.

So Gail does not want veal or black beans. Oh well, there goes that veal parmagiana with black bean sauce.

10:18 In addition, each of four groups has one of the following four things to inspire their menus: old, new. borrowed and blue. Radhika is apprehensive that she might not be able to pull off anything other than "Indian".

Heheheh, Fabio is all worked up about getting "blue". Dude, just use blueberries.

10:19 Did Ed say surf and turf sushi roll or loaf? I don't know but a surf and turf sushi loaf sounds kind of gross.

10:20 Guys, just kill Stefan. Now. DRINK!!!

10:22 Damn, Meryl Streep looks hot in Amish clothing! Even when it's an Amish Catholic nun.

10:24 And why is it always just nekkid women with, huh?

10:25 Hootie hoo: the new catch phrase of Top Chef 5. Or not.

10:27 The Borrowed Team is doing some sort of lamb. Damnit I missed it. It has a raita, that's all I can remember.

10:28 Awwww, those wonton bowls are so cute!!! Or not.

I dunno about the Blue Team's nautical theme. I still think they should've chosen something blue, like blue corn or something like that.

10:30 Ariane: "They're borrowing all my talent!" Oh, har har har! I love Tom's look when Dan describes his team's dish, though.

10:32 Yup, that Stefan's a real charmer (ask the chicks that divorced him).

10:34 OMG, Dan's workin' out. That is just too damn funny I just gotta DRINK!

10:39 And in our latest installment of the "TC5 break between commercials", Stefan tries to get it on with some hot guy-on-lesbian action. Dude, she's not interested. At all.

10:41 Aw, but Hosea, you and Leah make such a cute couple!

10:42 And we get to see all the wedding photos for these people. The cook-off can't come soon enough.

10:43 Of course, the Old Team goes out first. Really, does Gail actually have that many friends?

10:44 Fabio makes a Pope allusion. Close enough. DRINK!

10:45 And on to the competition, with guest judge Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food & Wine Magazine:

Old Course (Hosea, Jeff, Stefan)

Heirloom tomato trio: gazpacho, eggplant terrine and sorbet, all from the Old World. The terrine leaves people bored, but there is love for the sorbet.

New Course (Eugene, Dan, Carla)

It's nice when chefs don't talk to each other.

For our second course: cooked surf & turf sushi (with beef skewer, tempura shrimp and a granita). Padma is confused with the piece of leafy thing. Not much love for the cold shrimp fried in old oil.

Borrowed Course (Jamie, Ariane, Radhika)

Hey, that's right, Radhika. Ariane has actually been all over the place in this competition.

10:50 God damnit! This is another 75-minute episode!?!? Sure Gail is excited about her wedding but I'm not. Why the hell does it merit a 75 minute episode? Rant done.

Back to the food:

Borrowing Indian, indian spiced lamb on carrot purée with a raita and smoked almonds. Padma likes the lamb, which is well-cooked, and the spices are - real culinary phrase - "yummy". This is probably the wining dish.

Blue Course (Melissa, Fabio, Leah)

Leah tastes Fabio's fish, and is not a fan. Ditto Jamie. Is one of our European chefs going home? Nah, probably not.

***ROLLEYES*** I'm not even going there. Chilean sea bass encrusted with blue corn (they do blue corn after all). Gee, Fabio is kind of charming.

"Old people food"?

10:54 Sorry to all my straight readers, but right now I really just couldn't give a shit about another straight person's wedding (sorry, Gail - and a shout of thanks to all our hetero allies). Hey, that Milk ad is making me feel really political! What can I say? End of rant #2.

10:59 It's the Old and Borrowed teams. No best and worst this time - they were both on top!

11:00 The one person who won made the tastiest thing of the evening: Ariane (again?) OMG, the looks of shock on everyone else's faces. Did you see Jamie? Jeff? Again, that was just too funny. DRINK!

11:01 So everybody else gets to go back to face judges. Let's see why:

New: How is it new? Well, Eugene forgot to tell them it was a make-your-own-sushi thing. Plus, the rice was mooshy. Daniel was "unbelievably happy". And I'll send my "friends" to rough you up if I get sent out.

Oh, please don't send Carla oout for Dan's dumb act.

Blue: Leah's first time in the losers' group I think. The fish's texture was a little bit lacking. Tom got the blues from the plate (so it DOES work). And bad point, Fabio: it's your job to cook 45 pieces of fish perfectly, isn't it? Dude!

11:05: Take home message: the Blue dish was unimaginative, while the Old dish was subpar. Yikes! Carla's dismal dish was the one very dim point of light in this otherwise dismal meal. But wait: are they faulting Carla for maintaining team integrity?

11:06 Don't worry, y'all. Dan baffles us all.

11:07 I'm guessing it will be Dan who goes home. My second guess: Eugene. If it is Carla, I will eat my hat. Plus, as much as they disliked the Blue Team's dish, they really seemed to hate the Old Team's.

Oh, here's a new addition to the TC5 drinking game: if you incorrectly guess who packs his or her knives this episode, take two swigs or shots of whatever you're drinking.

11:10 By the way: did you know the Top Chef Cook Book is in the Baltimore County Public Library already? Yup.

11:11 As I thought, the Blue Team is in less hot water, so to speak. Correct so far.

And now for our hapless Oldsters...

11:12 And I was correct this time. Daniel is going home. Gail, Tom and Padma better watch out!

11:13 Stay tuned next week - it's Maaaahtha. And what's this about food-borne illnesses?


Sadly for fairly large Team New York, one of the tried and true New Yorkers is getting on the Subway and heading home. I poke fun at Daniel, but really, what do I know about that whole "that time of the month" thing he went on about with Jamie last week or so? Or how great the food was that everyone else hated? Ah well, I don't really have much else to say. At least home wasn't too far. That's something, right?

Totally unrelated, but wow, they're starting to run out of attractive contestants, aren't they?


Nanc Twop said...

I'm having to make do with some leftover "Sam Adams Summer Ale"...
but I'm afraid if Gene starts to cry over that sticky rice (10:33pm) we might not have enough...

/Was thinking at the 20 min mark that Carla was getting 'The Edit', guess we'll know soon. ;-)

John said...

I didn't even catch that about Carka. We'll see!

Nanc Twop said...

Carla was saved by her salad.
So close - it really did look like they could boot all three for that vile make your own cooked sushi.


And this?:
'Dude, just use blueberries.'
Exactly what we said.

Even if they were too scared to do dessert (on TC? no way) they could at least squish some bb's into the sauce...

John said...

Nanc: I don't know why every year they always find a group of chefs who are so f*cking TIMID about making desserts. It's really astounding. These people are supposed to be top chefs, and yet they always are surprised when they're told they have to do a dessert of some sort. It's like they're the governor of Illinois, they're so astounded.

frogponder said...

>10:22 Damn, Meryl Streep looks hot in Amish clothing! Even when it's an Amish Catholic nun.

10:24 And why is it always just nekkid women with, huh?<

You do commercials, too! That's what I call full service recapping.

John said...

Yes, ma'am! Hell, sometimes the commercials are funnier than the actual program, so I just figure why not?